Saturday, September 6, 2008

She's a Dirty Girl: On Being Disgusting

Warning: if you consider yourself prim, proper, clean, hygienic, and germ-free, or know you're easily squicked by the lack thereof, you might just want to skip this particular post.

Yes, I've finally come to embrace it instead of feel shame: I'm just pretty dang disgusting. Nobody has ever accused me of being a germaphobe- no, far from it. And while I love being clean and fresh from a shower, I'm just as comfortable being, um, not-so-clean-and-fresh. I can roll happy like a pig in my own filth.

I'm the one you'll catch scratch-'n-sniffing my various body parts (even if I know my own reaction will be "Ugh!"), joyfully playing with the tacky, globulous clots of menstrual blood collected in my Kotex, scraping plaque off my teeth only to eat it (well, it was already in my mouth, right?), passing gas and then, to quote Fat Bastard, "liking my own brand", curiously tasting my own urine (curiosity sated: it's hot and super salty), French-kissing my Cocker Spaniel, and picking my nose every minute I have alone with utter abandonment. I'm the one who has extended the five-second rule to one of minutes (famous family story: my mother discovers my young toddler self on the ground licking a Sugar Daddy stuck to the kitchen floor), and, while it hurts to admit it, my best friend and I once "pulled a George Costanza" and ate a chicken sandwich from the garbage can in high school . . . but c'mon- it was nestled safely on the tray, right on top, completely uncontaminated! I subscribe to the whole "you must expose your baby to germs in order for them to develop immunities" school of thought. And sure, I'm the one peeing in the shower much to the horror of the other gym visitors (if they knew, that is). I double-dip chips and drink from an offered cup without a care as to whose lips have been on it or how much saliva content composes the backwash. I have had stretches where it's been a while since I showered. And I love smelling my oft-potent vaginal secretions or a pair of dirty undies.

Okay, so it's not sexy. I know I won't increase my odds of getting laid by divulging such information and painting these mental images. And yet, I don't exactly want to censor this part of myself, either. While other folks might not be quite so nasty as I am, I know the grossness exists in other people, usually hidden away and reserved for quiet private moments. I want to see it.

This is my first semester with a stranger for a roommate instead of my best friend- a friend who kindly put up with and didn't mind too much my grody idiosyncracies. Suddenly I am again hyper-aware of my actions in my own room- oh no, did I just scratch behind my ear and then delightedly smell it? How sad, right? I mean, I'm all for keeping a little bit of the mystery alive between friends and lovers, but I can't help thinking that the mystery translates to a distance and fakeness that is just sad.

On my latest trip to Japan, an adorably funky girl named Tomomi accidentally passed gas in front of me (or, Nihon-go de: onara shita) and dissolved into a mess of giggles as she eagerly told me "Now we're best friends." Do it twice, we're family, three times, love birds, four times, inseparable. That's a philosophy I can get behind.

So if we happen to be chillin' together and I do something gross, just understand: I feel so comfortable with you that I can be myself. It's a sign of love, okay? And if you're looking at me from across the room, thinking I'd be the perfect girlfriend/fuckbuddy/one night stand, be ready to take all of me- not just the perfume prettiness you expecting on the first date, but the buttscratching, embraces-her-natural-scent "dirty girl" you weren't ready for. You might kiss her after she ate a God-knows-how-old M&M from between the couch cushions. You definitely want her to don some latex gloves before she sexes ya up- because you never know where her fingers have been.

But Xtube's awesome Sapphix put it best, under the "Turn-Offs" section of her profile:

And seriously, guys, can't you all PLEASE TRY to think of something more imaginative to put in this category than the likes of "people who smell bad" and "poor hygiene"? It depresses me bottomlessly that so many of the xtube users i otherwise admire hum the same utterly brain-dead melody here. if you can't get turned on by someone's really STRONG-smelling, crusty underwear, then, honey, you mght as well go back to okcupid, cuz you're REALLY a fuckin lightweight.

If you appreciate, or can learn to appreciate, so-called "smelly" cheeses — Pont L'Eveque, Munster, Limburger, Epoisses, etc.— then you can appreciate ALL human smells -- genitals, assholes, & feet.

Word, girl, word.

No comments: