Friday, March 21, 2008

Bisexual Star Fucker: Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert

"Bisexual Star Fucker" is my new (hopefully, if I stay on-schedule) weekly blog where I lust after, drool over, post deliciously salacious pictures of, extol the virtues of, and otherwise pimp out two stars (one female, one male) who get me hot. Looking for David Beckham and Posh Spice? Go somewhere else, because mainstream stars that everyone else is salivating for just aren't my thing. Seriously- crushing on Johnny Depp is so boring. But now, the girl or guy who tells me they get all squirmy when Steve Buscemi comes onscreen, well, that's someone I want to talk to and get to know.

And, in honor of really good segues, here come two more people I want you to meet: Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert. Chances are you've heard of them, particularly if you like wacky black humor or political satire. And if you haven't, well, here's your chance. I've presented these two together because, if you know anything about them, you'll know that they're peas in a pod, longtime buddies, co-stars, co-authors, 2/3 of a threesome rounded out by Paul Dinello. It just feels right.


I don't know what photographer decided to give Amy a can of whipped cream and multicolored sprinkles, but I'd like to say, right now: Thank You.

If the above pictures haven't clued you in, Amy Sedaris is hot. Not only is she hot, though; she's also funny, zany, ecclectic, openly weird, smart, witty, talented out the wazoo, and uber-cute. And she has that brazen, in-your-face sort of attitude where you just know (or hope?) that she'd be wildly crazy and inventive in bed . . . the sort of girl who unexpectedly shoves a finger up an unsuspecting asshole, or comes at you from the bedroom wearing a full-body squirrel suit as she asks "Wanna bust a nut?" (And, for record, I do!).

I even love these pictures of a bruised-and-beaten naked Amy with a shiner, messily gorging on a pile of snack cakes. I swear, I don't have a wet and messy fetish. She just looks so dang good all smeared up, don't you agree?

No, I'm not an acrotomophiliac (yet?), but there's something so very deliciously wrong, and, yes, sexy, about a perfectly healthy lady strapping on a prostethic hook-ended arm the way another woman might don, oh, say, pearls. I'm not sure if anything explains Amy's quirky personality better than these pictures.


And Amy with a killer smile and massive, outta-control pubic hair. It's stuff like this that makes me want to fuck Ms. Sedaris- she unabashedly takes something ugly and deemed non-sexy and turns it into pure raunch, made all the more awesome because you know that she could be made up conventially sexy enough to rival Playboy covers . . . but she won't.

And this handsome man caught with his hand in the cookie jar ...

. . . is Stephen Colbert. Oh, yes. (Special quiz: What's wrong with this picture? Answer: It's these three blond Patriotic chicks with him instead of me with a flag poking out of my bra). He's smart, hilarious, sharp-witted, politically aware, has a fantastic smile, and he is just so very sexy. I want to seduce his nerdy Colbert Report alter-ego (or, alternatively, be bent over and spanked as the recipient of all that righteous anger). Oh yes, I'm proud to be part of the Colbert Nation!

If you think he's just a funny guy and more goofball than sex symbol, take a look at these photos! Rrrawr! This first picture makes me want to fill that wide open void between his legs, very much.

So that's the first edition of "Bisexual Star Fucker". Hope you enjoyed! I'm still trying to get the hang of blog formatting, so bear with me. Happy celebrity daydreaming!

(Comments and feedback are quite welcome).

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