Monday, December 29, 2008

Get It While It's Hot- Free Personalized Erotica!

Santa Clause-style Gwen is a little late in doling out the presents, but here comes a belated Christmas gift.

After the jump, I'll tell you a little bit more about how you can get some custom erotica made for you, plus an eye-opening list of some pretty custom erotica already out there.

For the poverty-stricken like myself, the closest we can usually get to personalized erotica is if we write it ourselves or go and beg on Literotica. I've always hungered over the professional sites- the quality of writing will undoubtedly be much higher and the action just overall hotter, but the prices always frighten me away.

And then, whaddya know, but the fantastically talented people down at Inky Blue Allusions have decided to graciously write some custom stories, for free. It won't be quite the same as when you pay, of course- the stories get published on the site instead of sent to your e-mail, and the authors aren't obligated to follow your instructions down to a T. But it's still a pretty damn good offer. It's not every day that you can write down your fantasy and get a hot story made just for you. All you need to do is fill out character names, genders, and general storyline on the form here and sit back and wait!

Of course, if you do have that Christmas bonus burning a hole in your pocket, you're more than welcome to support some of the various custom erotica writers: Custom Erotica Source, Velvet Diary, Literate Smut, Frisky Fiction, Custom Erotica Fantasies, Under The Crimson Moon, Alena (whose stories are all about you and her), Lady Mika's Menagerie, and Kustom Erotica. Heck, you can even get custom audio erotica from Sensual Words.

I will remind you, though, that if you've got a particular kink, fetish, or theme in your head, it may well already be out there. By no means completely representative of all the professionally published erotica out there, here's a little list I compiled a while ago, just to show how specific some of these anthologies can get:

Sex Acts/Body Part Fetishes Erotica

Anal: "Luscious: Stories of Anal Eroticism" by Alison Tyler
Feet: "Sexiest Soles: Erotic Stories About Feet and Shoes" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Frottage: "Cocktocock Stories, Vol. 1" by Martin Finn
Men's Butts: "Buttmen: Erotic Stories and True Confessions by Gay Men Who Love Booty: 32 Stories, 1 Obsession" by Alan Bell
Men's Feet: "Love Under Foot: An Erotic Celebration of Feet"
Spanking: "Naughty Spanking Stories From A-Z" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Threesomes: "Three-Way: Erotic Stories" by Alison Tyler

Lesbian Erotica

African-American: "Speaking in Whispers: Lesbian African-American Erotica"
Bikers: "Hard Road, Easy Riding: Lesbian Biker Erotica" by Sacchi Green
Bondage: "Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica" by Tristan Taormino
Butch-Butch: "Set In Stone: Butch-Butch Erotica" by Angela Brown
Butch-Femme: "Back To Basics: A Butch/Femme Anthology" by Therese Syzmanski
Christmas: "Dyke The Halls: Lesbian Erotic Christmas Tales" by Linda Alverez
Cowgirls: "Rode Hard, Put Away Wet: Lesbian Cowboy Erotica"
Femme-Femme: "Glamour Girls: Femme/Femme Erotica" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Jewish: "Friday the Rabbi Wore Lace: Jewish Lesbian Erotica" by Karen X. Tulchinsky
Magic: "Bell, Book, and Dyke: New Exploits of Magical Lesbians"
S/M: "No Mercy" by Pat Califia
Sports: "Body Check: Erotic Lesbian Sports Stories" by Nicole Foster
Supernatural: "Call of the Dark: Lesbian Tales of the Supernatural" by Therese Syzmanski
Tough Women "Tough Girls: Down and Dirty Dyke Erotica" by Lori Selke
Travel: "Tales of Travelrotica for Lesbians: Erotic Travel Adventures" by Simone Thorne
Vampires: "Dark Angels: Lesbian Vampire Erotica" by Pam Keesey

Gay Male Erotica

Asian: "Best Gay Asian Erotica" by Joel Barraquiel Tan
Barely Legal: "Barely Legal: A New Collection of Erotic Tales" by John Butler
Baseball: "Fast Balls: Erotic Tales of America's Favorite Pastime" by Jesse Grant
Bears: "Tales From The Bear Cult: Bearotica for Your Inner Goldilocks" by Mark Hemry
Bondage/S/M: "Roughed Up: More Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power" by Simon Sheppard
College Boys: "Dorm Porn: Steamy Tales of Boys On Campus"
Cops: "Hot Cops: Gay Erotic Stories" by Shane Allison
Cowboys: "Cowboys: Gay Erotic Tales" by Tom Graham
Daddy/Boy: "Daddy's Boys: Erotic Short Stories" by Kenneth Harrison
Exhibitionism/Voyeurism: "A View To Thrill: The World of the Voyeur and the Men Who Like To Be Watched" by Paul J. Willis
Musclemen: "Musclesex: A Collection of Erotic Short Stories" by Greg Nero
Pirates: "Treasure Trail: Erotic Tales of Pirates on the High Seas" by Jack Hart
Porn Stars: "Skinflicks: Erotic Tales From Behind the Scenes: An Anthology"
Prostitutes: "Hustlers: Erotic Stories of Sex for Hire"
Soldiers: "A Night In the Barracks: Authentic Accounts of Sex in the Armed Forces" by Alex Buchman
Sporty Men: "Full Body Contact: Sexy, Sweaty Men of Sport" by Greg Herren
Travel: "Between the Palms: A Collection of Gay Travel Erotica"
Truckers: "Truckers: True Gay Erotica" by Johnny Hansen
Twinks: "Twink" by Jack Fritscher
Vampires: "Blood Lust: Gay Erotic Vampire Tales"
Water: "Liquid Delights: Erotic Tales of Wetness" by Jardonn Smith

Bisexual: "The Best of Both Worlds: Bisexual Erotica" by Sage Vivant
Genderqueer: "Genderflex: Sexy Stories on the Edge and In-Between" by Cecilia Tan
Transgender: "Transgender Erotica: Trans Figures" by M. Christian


Adultery: "Homewrecker: An Adultery Anthology" by Daphne Gottlieb
Aliens: "Off Limits: Tales of Alien Sex" by Ellen Datlow
Anonymous Sex: "Sex With Strangers: Wicked Words"
Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men: "Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica" by Hanne Blank
Birthdays: "The Happy Birthday Book of Erotica" by Alison Tyler
Bondage: "Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage" by Rachel Kramer Bussell
Career Women: "Bosslady" by Justus Roux
Christmas: "The Merry XXXmas Book of Erotica" by Alison Tyler
Crime: "Noirotica: An Anthology of Erotic Crime Stories" by Thomas S. Roche
Cross-Dressing: "Crossdressing: Erotic Stories" by Veronica Vera
Death: "Dying for It: Tales of Sex and Death"
Exotic Locales: "Erogenous Zones: An Anthology of Sex Abroad"
Exhibition and Voyeurism: "Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionsists"
Fairies: "Fairy Lust: Volume 1: Elvin Erotica" by Melanie Klegerman Fersko
Famous People: "Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers" by Mitzi Szereto
Female Dom/Male Sub: "She's On Top: Erotic Stories of Female Domainance and Male Submission" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Food/Cooking: "Sex in the Kitchen" by Lindsay Gordon
Fuck-Buddies: "Sex Buddies: Erotic Stories About Sex Without Strings"
Ghosts: "The Big Book of Erotic Ghost Stories" by Greg Wharton
Guilt: "Confessions: Admissions of Sexual Guilt"
Halloween: "Scary Shorts for Halloween" by Janet Sanger
Holidays: "Sex On Holiday" by Kerri Sharp
Humor: "As Cupid Cavorts: Three Short Stories of Erotic Humor" by Tom Mitchell
Internet: "Torn Shapes of Desire: Internet Erotica" by Mary Ann Mohanraj
Lingerie" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Maids: "Maids: An Erotic Anthology"
Male Dom/Female Sub: "He's On Top: Erotic Stories of Male Dominance and Female Submission"
Mature/Elderly: "Ripe Fruit: Erotica for Well-Seasoned Lovers" by Marcy Sheiner
Myths: "Mythic Erotica: The Papyri Goddesses"
Necrophilia: "Necrophilia Variations" by Supervert
Older Women: "The MILF Anthology: Twenty-One Steamy Stories"
Offices: "Sex In The Office" by Kerri Sharp
Restraint: "Slave To Love: Sexy Tales of Erotic Restraint" by Alison Tyler
Rock 'N' Roll: "Backstage Passes: An Anthology of Rock & Roll Erotica from the Pages of Blue Blood Magazine" by Amelia G
S/M: "Things To Come: A Collection of S&M Erotica" by DJ King
Scat: "Divine Filth" by George Bataille
Shopping: "Sex and Shopping" by Lindsay Gordon
Sports: "Sex At The Sports Club" by Kerri Sharp
Strange/Different: "But I Know What You Want: 25 Sex Tales for the Different" by James Williams
Strong Women: "Amazons: Sexy Tales of Strong Women"
Technology "Technosex: Cyber Age Erotica" by Cecilia Tan
Travel: "Foreign Affairs: Erotic Travel Tales" by Mitzi Szereto
Underwear/Lingerie: "Ultimate Undies: Erotic Stories About Underwear and
Uniforms: "Sex In Uniform" by Kerri Sharp
Viagra & Women: "Viagra, Sex, and Romance: The Women Who Take It Reveal Their Erotic Tales" by Elizabeth Myles
Victorian: "Erotic Tales of the Victorian Age" by Bram Stoker
Werewolves: "The Beast Within: Erotic Tales of Werewolves" by Cecilia Tan
Water: "Aqua Erotica: 18 Stories By a Steamy Bath"


African-American: "Black Silk: A Collection of African-American Erotica"
Chinese: "In The Inner Quarters: Erotic Stories from Ling Mengchu's Two Slaps" by Lenny Hu
French: "Ooh La La!: Contemporary French Erotica by Women"
International: "The Erotic Planet: Sexy Stories From Around The Globe" by Jeff Laurent
Italian: "In The Forbidden City: An Anthology of Erotic Fiction by Italian Women"
Jamaican: "Erotic Jamaican Tales" by Sean Harris
Jewish: "The Oy of Sex: Jewish Women Write Erotica" by Marcy Sheiner
Latina: "Pleasure In the World: Erotic Writings by Latin American Women"
Latino: "Under The Pomegranate Tree: The Best New Latino Erotica" by Ray Gonzalez
Mediterranean: "Erotic Stories from the Portugese" by Manuel Teixeira-Gomes
Native American: "Without Reservation: Indigenous Erotica" by Kateri Akiwenzie-Damm
Russian: "Stories from the Folklore of Russia: Erotic Tales of the Cossacks"
South-East Asia: "Best of Singapore Erotica" by L.Q. Pan

Click here to read the rest!

Sunday, December 28, 2008


Because 1) I'm feeling silly, 2) they're cute as hell, and 3) I've just realized I wouldn't have a mouth full of silver fillings if I had a girlfriend who would brush her teeth with me, kisses included.

Click here to read the rest!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Dick Singalong

And now here's the boys' turn, with some phallic musicality.

1) The wonderful "Penis Song" from "Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life".

2) Hilarious country singer-comedian Rodney Carrington just won me over with his "Dear Penis":

3) From the same Da Vinci's Notebook who sang the lovely song about Internet porn, here's an equally hilarious and joyful tribute to well-endowed men in "Enormous Penis" . . . although let's remember that you can still be happy if you're average!

4) Case in point: lukaduka sings about wishing they had a smaller penis in "The Penis Song".

5) Mickey Avalon and DJ Kris P.'s "My Dick"- a repetitive, silly song that nonetheless is completely addictive.

6) "The Sweetest Thing" bored me in every part except the silly looks-like-she's-going-down-in-the-car scene, but "The Penis Song" is pretty remarkable in its own way.

7) Here comes the rude dude, Jonathan Fin's "Ten Inch Cock":

8) Because I still love "Fight Club" so much (whose writer has a new set-in-the-porn-world book out), and I want to jump Edward Norton's bones almost as much as Helena Bonham Carter's, here's his and Brad Pitt's tribute to that ol' goddess of love, the penis.

9) "The Penis Song" by Stoned Laughter. Although it's more of a video saga than a song, it's still pretty awesome. Especially the video.

10) Who says dick songs only have to be sung by those with dicks? Here's a very funny 'if I had a penis' song "Penis Envy" by Uncle Bonsai.

Click here to read the rest!

Screw The AVN . . .

I'm far more interested in the upcoming Tranny Awards.

I mean, sure, the AVN is incredible, what with its 100 categories . . . but they only offer one trans award- Transsexual Performer Of The Year. Ahem, excuse me, but are you serious?

I've been spending a lot of time lately on the Hung Angels Board, and there is some serious lacking in trans porn, from repetitive male performers (no more Christian XXX!), a lack of specialization or fetishes, and stereotypical pitfalls (if you're a transwoman interested in BDSM, you better be a top, because T-girls being bound and lovingly tortured is almost impossible to find). And that's not even beginning to address the other, unspoken problems in porn- the way that, for instance, many genetic female porn stars refuse to work with TS performers or men who have been with TS performers, for unsubstantiated fears of disease. In short, the "shemale" or "tranny" porn genre is riddled with stereotypes and is really one-dimensional, missing out on the creativity and diversity that marks more mainstream porn.

Just like the paltry gay awards given at the AVN weren't enough, and it spawned its own GAYVN Awards, I'm excited about the Tranny Awards. I'm a firm believer in incentives, and what could inspire better trans porn than cash prizes totaling over $10,000, plus the fame and recognition that comes with being an award winner? The Feminist Porn Awards has brought a lot of cool flicks, performers, and filmmakers to my attention. I'm looking forward to the same happening with the Tranny Awards.

Of course, this is the first year and, as it stands now, the Tranny Awards isn't a real, tangible event that you can dress up (or undress down, rather) for . . . yet. It is online only now, but "depending on the demand and popularity of the award, we may consider future awards to be held at a live venue." I can only hope! (And we can only hope that it shows itself to be honest and forthright, not a scam like what Erika Lust experienced).

But seriously. Despite being hosted by the ever-cool Belladonna (who, and I just have to sneak this in here, OMG might be working with Jiz Lee!), the idea of the AVN just kind of bores me. But the Tranny Awards have got me excited. Check back with the website on January 9th to find out the winners, and see if nominee and Crush Object Mandy Mitchell made the cut!

Click here to read the rest!

Goodbye, Xtube, Hello Dyketube!

R.I.P. Queerchick.

Well, then. If you haven't already noticed, Queerchick, a.k.a. yours truly, has been kicked off of my favorite adult social networking and video and image sharing site, Xtube. It happened quite out of the blue, too, almost as if planned: finals were finally over, school was let out, and I was gearing up to devote all of this free time to participating more. I adore the site, as I hope is obvious from my various posts about it. So I was reasonably upset as I logged in to see small green font proclaiming me "BANNED". No e-mails telling me of my fate. No explanation, and no opportunity for an appeal. Not that I needed an explanation or chance for appeal; I've known from the start that my existence there was gracious oversight. I blatantly disregarded the rules (that, unless I owned the rights to the material, I could only show 20 seconds of it) and uploaded my own videos. I worked off of my own moral code, one not in line with copyright law but respectful of the production companies I so admire. I explained in my profiles that my intentions were promotional in nature; I wanted to show people that real dyke or real trans porn did exist, and to garner more customers and a bigger audience for these porn companies. I gave credit to the source, places where the product could be bought, and always strove to make my videos little more than teasers, not freebies. And as far as I knew, the efforts were appreciated. Pink & White Productions had their own Xtube profile and befriended me, apparently without a problem of my using some of their material. Ian Sparks of Trannywood Pictures not only had no problem with my videos, but left a comment joking about my choice of clips (of his smiling face rather than his ass dripping lube). And yet still I was removed. I'd experienced it before- not with my profile, but with individual videos being taken off Xtube for violations. I contested a few, but ultimately gave up and let it be; I did not re-upload banned videos. Xtube, like other video sharing sites, has such high traffic that it cannot automatically screen uploaded content, and instead it relies on users to voluntarily report violations. Which means, of course, that all it takes it someone to feel I am abusing the system to report me and get me banned. Add in that Xtube is revamping itself, Xtube 2.0, if you will, and I was certainly due to go quite soon.

When I first discovered my banishment, I immediately started up a new profile, started uploading my videos and requesting all my old friends. Yes, I was pissed and saddened that all of my carefully accumulated favorite images and videos had been wiped away, and my friends, but I would rebuild, better, stronger, faster. Except that . . . half a day later, I was banned yet again. I determined from that moment on to not waste my time and energy creating new profiles only to be torn down. I didn't want to disappoint my many fans, and I knew they weren't to blame, but Xtube was, and is, no longer a viable option for this queer chick.

But now that I'm gone, I feel a little emptiness. So I went out searching for a new site, and I think I've found one that fits most of my criteria. I don't just want to put my videos on any site, like or, not only because you usually have to have a premium membership to upload content, but also because they rarely have resources with which to talk extensively about yourself and network. I want my porn to have a context, a purpose, and I want to communicate what I'm all about, along with making sure it is part of promoting queer indie porn. And the site that I've come to is Dyke Tube.

Dyke Tube does have some pitfalls. Not only is it much smaller and with less traffic and far less user interaction than Xtube, but it is also very restrictive in terms of content. It is meant to feature only women and lesbian content- no men and no man junk, in other words. But it goes even further than that- "Outlying fetishes, while respected, are not permitted here. These fetishes include grossly obese women, overly mature women, transgendered materials, urination/defecation fantasies, etc.". I still don't know exactly what the weight cut-off is . . . would the gorgeous zaftig April Flores be welcome? What is "grossly obese"? And forget it if you're a lesbian of 50 . . . you are far too old for Dyke Tube. Sigh.

But the site still seems like a good basic premise, and it's my new home, for now, at least. I'll be uploading my videos, expanding my profile, and getting to work on spreading the word and turning Dyke Tube into what it seems to want to be- a place "where the girls cum". So get a profile, get active on the forums, and add me as a friend. See you there!
Click here to read the rest!

Friday, December 26, 2008

When Girs Will Be Boys

As reported last month, Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, of Twilight fame, are going to be starring together yet again in 2009, this time not as snooty vampire and human vampire wannabe/love interest, but rather as- and please, prepare yourselves-dudes.

It's kind of news, I guess, since Shakespeare's name isn't anywhere near it. The girls aren't just dressing up as boys, Amanda Bynes in She's The Man-style, but they'll be playing male characters. And, given the incredibly hype about Twilight and these two new(ish) actresses, a lot of people are scratching their heads in confusion. K-11's mysterious plot (is it comedy? drama? dramedy?) doesn't offer any more clues: the girls will be gay inmates, separated from the general prison population, in a Los Angeles jail. Stewart's set to play young, and presumably more innocent, in comparison with Reed's character, a 30-year old tatted-up meth addict. No mention if they'll be playing lovers.

I think it's pretty cool. A couple of years ago I wrote this Myspace blog about how cool cross-gender casting is. Not only does it directly engage my love of drag, cross-dressing, and genderqueerness, but it also strikes me as much more egalitarian and equal opportunity than our current policy that reinforces the belief that gender is so biologically essential that it can't be performed believably by someone of the opposite sex. I do wonder, of course, if that was the reason for the casting was truly "They would make the best gay prison inmates, I know it!", or if it's meant to be gimmicky, a way to catch viewers by throwing out two big names and the expected freakishness of girls playing boys. I guess time will tell, although I am rather excited about the movie itself.

But this blog is a little look into the past. Stewart and Reed are not the first to be cast as men, not by a long shot. So let's take a look at those who came before:

Film: Ein Mann wie EVA

Actress: Eva Mattes

Character: EVA (Rainer Werner Fassbinder)

The 1984 film Ein Mann wie EVA chronicles but one crazy filming in the career of the legendary German director/screenwriter Rainer Werner Fassbinder, the man whose avant-garde work epitomized New German Cinema and whose turbulent life spawned seven documentaries (not counting this biopic).

Of course, this is all rather unimportant- what we want to focus on is who ended up playing Fassbinder (a.k.a. EVA). The role went to Eva Mattes, who played in many of Rainer's films. Perhaps this is the rationale for the choice in casting- letting someone close to him portray him on-screen. Perhaps it was simply the most avant-garde choice for an avant-garde director.

Whatever the reason, she donned Rainer's trademark black leather jacket, battered hat, dark glasses, scruffy face, and "perennial scowl", and played the hell out of him. Of course, the cross-gender casting is not only old and foreign, but also with some pretty obscure subject matter, it didn't get much press or acclaim in the U.S.. Indie films have the luxury of making such fun and interesting choices, but that unfortunately doesn't exactly leave anybody with new impressions about the feasibility of cross-gender casting.

Film: Hook

Actress: Glenn Close

Character: Gutless The Pirate

I can think of no logical explanation for the appearance of Glenn Close in serious disguise (i.e. not just a man, but an older, heavily bearded pirate man) for less than five minutes' time in the movie. For those who never got to experience the whimsical Robin William's flick ("Ru-fi-o!"), Gutless the pirate appears as a random pirate and then begs and pleads a little bit (apparently as testament to that gutlessness) for not being tossed into a chest full of crabs (I think? or else something that will be quite bite-y). Never appears again. How's that for random?

Maybe Glenn was trying to audition and show off her versatile skills to Disney in an audition for 101 Dalmations. I just don't know. Or maybe it's the name of the character-acting game, wherein actors take the small parts as license to really stretch themselves in fun ways- something that might not be possible as leading or main roles that will be scrutinized and will affect their marketability and the roles and salaries they're offered in the future. Or maybe it's a way to attach yourself to a film that you are really interested in. I mean, let's face it- there aren't many female roles on a pirate ship (at least, not if we're being historically accurate . . . in which case the ladies would at least have been dressedin male disguise, Anne Bonny and Mary Read-style). So who knows why Glenn decided to put on a beard and play a guy . . . it's an interesting fact, at the very least.

Film: Angels In America

Actress: Meryl Streep

Character: Old Rabbi

If Glenn Close as Gutless was an example of equal opportunity casting- anybody can play a role-then Meryl Streep's cameo in Angels In America is what I'm going to deem "actor recycling". Streep's main role was as Ethel Rosenberg, but alongside that, she also got to play the small role of a very, very wizened rabbi right in the beginning.

So what could possibly be the rationale here? Meryl's got plenty of screen time for all those Golden Globe awards. I presume that old, wrinkled, liver-spotted actors are not that hard to come by. We might say it was an attempt at stretching one's resources- using the same actors and actresses for multiple roles as a way to save money and time- but I have a feeling that all the makeup artistry at work here would take much more time and more helpers and equipment to get her looking like that than simply hiring an old guy. So we'll chalk it up to, perhaps, the designated actor not showing up and Meryl being the only one around. Or maybe a joke. Or her desire to, as I mentioned above, try something she probably wouldn't get to do otherwise. All I can say is, it's quite a transformation.

Film: The Year Of Living Dangerously

Actress: Linda Hunt

Character: Billy Kwan

One of the cooler examples of women portraying male characters on-screen comes from Peter Weir's 1982 film The Year Of Living Dangerously, adapted from the fiction novel of the same name. Linda plays one of the major characters. And, most awesome is the lack of crazy makeup effects to turn Linda male; she's not hidden away under a mountain of fake facial hair that seems to question why they would have cast a woman in the first place.

I'm not saying that all women cast as men must be masculine . . . certainly not. I've seen some spectacular drag kings who are quite femme in real life- and they don't need slabs of makeup and prosthetics to achieve it. But Linda looks the part, easily, and moreover, her casting seems genuine: according to Weir, he had great difficulty finding someone appropriate for the role of Billy Kwan and, unable to recreate the character in his film, he wanted to find a way of equaling the originality of the character, accomplished by casting Linda Hunt in the role. And, even cooler is that she got some recognition, winning an Oscar for the role. I've still yet to find another similar situation- where a woman was cast as a main character in a fictional story.

Film: Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Actress: Miriam Shor

Character: Yitzhak

One of my favorite movies of all time, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, has quite a lot of gender-bending going on with its main character (the incredible John Cameron Mitchell as Hedwig, of course), but second favorite is Miriam Shor as Hedwig's self-proclaimed "man Friday", Yitzhak. I watched the movie half a dozen times without realizing that the character was played by a woman, and even now, it amazes me- her acting is spot-on.

The rationale for casting Shor is probably two-fold. On one hand, it certainly is in line with the film's theme of gender queering and ambiguity. (Although I do not, as I have heard discussed, proscribe to the theory that Yitzhak is in fact female and in drag, either voluntarily for Hedwig's sake or forced by her). But the main reason is practical: it's mostly women who can hit those beautiful high notes in Stephen Trask's music. Miriam also starred in the stage production for that exact reason, and the transfer over to film caused no problems. Even now, this portrayal is visually one of my favorites- where good acting and some facial hair create a great effect (and also a testament to how women do not need bald caps or male wigs to transform themselves, and can keep their long hair and still look male).

Film: I'm Not There

Actress: Cate Blanchett

Character: Jude a.k.a. Bob Dylan

And finally we come to the most recent of cross-gender casting, with Cate Blanchett playing Jude, the 60's incarnation of Bob Dylan in Todd Haynes' 2007 film I'm Not There. She won several awards for the portrayal, and it was indeed pretty hyped up (to the point where some people think it overshadowed the wonderful performances of guys cast to cover the other various incarnations of Dylan). But it is still quite remarkable that a woman was chosen amongst many men to hold her own- not the main actor, but one of many.

One of the main reasons for casting Blanchett, of course, is probably just plain looks. Any casting director with a good eye can see that her face lends itself well to masculinity and especially androgyny with the right help, and moreover, she looks a helluva lot like Bob Dylan. But of course it also added a lot of interest to the film- still hot off The Lord Of The Rings and with other good movies only adding to her repertoire- her mention, along with the eye-catching line about her doing a male role- certainly would attract more viewers, particularly of a youthful audience not that into or knowledgeable about Bob Dylan. Add in her strength as an actress, and her willingness (she "viewed it as a challenge"), and there you go. A great example for current times, a call for a more gender-neutral approach to casting.

Is it in Haynes' footsteps, then, that K-11 director Jules Mann-Stewart is doing cross-gender casting? Or was it perhaps the only way she could offer her daughter and daughter's close friend a role in a film about gay men? Or is it all about stirring up some hype? Only time will tell, I suppose. But for anybody who is shocked, I just want to point it out- Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed and certainly not the first to play men, and hopefully, they won't be the last!
Click here to read the rest!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

One Cum Smoothie, Cumming Up

No, no, no, silly dears, get *that* image out of your head and keep reading after the jump.

I, for one, really can't stand the idea of cum consumption that seems to be the fantasy of so many men. It's one thing to take a little bit of your lover's juices down the gullet; it's quite another to drink it from a martini glass, pass it back and forth with my best gal pal, or, for heaven's sake, cook with it. No thanks. I will make an exception for girl cum- I'd gladly gulp at her loins Crash Pad-style- but even then, it's not like I'd store the stuff in my fridge for a refreshing summer drink.

When push comes to shove, I'd rather be looked down on as a spitter- or worse, the "Not in my mouth!" kinda girl- than have to make the same awkward face as when I am forced to eat cauliflower at a dinner party: "Oh, mmm, it's very good." and trying not to gag.

But then I stumbled over Jamie's Jizz Juice Recipe over at Forced Bi Academy (a very nifty and fun website, I might add), and got all kinds of curious. It's not that I haven't heard it before- you can barely Google the words "cum taste" without a mention of pineapple juice. But since I've recently been dabbling in taking tastes after playing with myself, I'm significantly more interested, especially since Jamie's Jizz Juice Recipe is said to be just as successful for the ladies. (It's rather odd how there's widespread joking about fishy taste, and yet the number of online sources devoted to the question and solution are dwarfed by questions about man juice). Plus I always read lists of flavor-enhancing foods, but finally here's a recipe that puts them all together for you. And I loves me some smoothies that don't come with a Jamba Juice price tag. Here's Jamie's concoction, reprinted:

1 cup fresh pineapple
1 cup fresh mango
1 banana
1 cup apple juice
1/4 cup pure cranberry juice
1 500 mg capsule of Fenugreek (open the pill and pour it inside)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp fresh ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 tbsp of organic maple syrup or honey or stevia

One of my New Year's Resolutions is, like always, to start eating healthier. It always falls through, but maybe what I've been missing is a make-your-excretions-taste-better! impetus. So I'm going to go ahead with a little experiment- one month to see if a good diet and Jamie's magic fruity cocktail, taken twice daily, can result in some sweetness between my thighs. I actually am really excited about it . . . will I notice any difference?

Of course, it's not just about eating the good stuff, but about cutting out the bad. Following this comprehensive list, I'll try to avoid the worst offenders. I'm a little sad that I'll have to say goodbye to alcohol, garlic, and onions. I mean, I can let go of red meat, cheese, and yummy veggies like asparagus and broccoli . . . but garlic and onions? They're my mainstay! There's literally no savory dish that I cook that doesn't at least have some garlic and onions! Woe is me. But cutting out on the alcohol will probably do me good; it's all empty calories anyways.

So if any of my readers want to give it a shot and report back, that'd be pretty cool. C'mon, what have you got to lose? And even if you don't, look for updates from me. I'll show you some pictures of the "cum smoothie" and report on first, second, and third tastes!
Click here to read the rest!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"The Crash Pad" Online . . . Finally!

Now you really have no excuse to not own it. Also, other secret goodies after the jump!

I've always puzzled over the fact that you couldn't get Pink & White Productions' phenomenal debut film "The Crash Pad" online anywhere. Even though Crash Pad Series came to provide the online porn, the actual movie itself was nowhere to be found, not even on sites like Hot Movies For Her, who continue to amaze me with their massive, comprehensive collections of all sorts of obscure porn. I just couldn't figure out why P&W weren't taking advantage of the wider exposure and audience that could be garnered from going online- since so many people nowadays just cannot be bothered with actual tangible product and the ordering and buying and waiting for the shipping . . . why not instant downloads?

Well, it's here! Now, with Kink On Demand's new buy-shoots-by-themselves system, you can also buy other movies, like scenes from "The Crash Pad". Yes, you can watch Shawn fuck that insane cumshot right outta Jiz- just click and buy! (And, lest we forget, you can also see so many visitors there, including Shawn domming on Wired Pussy and kicking ass on Ultimate Surrender, Vai bottoming, Dylan abusing boys, and Princess Donna doing a lil' bit of everything!)

I'll also take this moment to be all promotional-y and tell you about "Champion"- it's out! It's here! Oh . . . wait, you don't remember "Champion", despite all my numerous posts? Then just check out the new, updated website!. We can finally order and buy! And Jiz Lee has all sorts of special codes and secrets to get you it cheaper. Gotta love cheating the system!

But seriously. Porn, people. Buy it. Christmas is coming up, after all!
Click here to read the rest!

Some Butchies On The Big Screen

They're rare, but occasionally you get some unexpected butch yumminess from your local Blockbuster.

So, who's with me? How hot and cute was Kat Dennings in "The House Bunny"? (An underrated movie, by the way- it was funny, despite being formulaic). I am talking, of course, about her in the first half of the movie, before she became quote-unquote "pretty". The makeover pretty much destroyed all of her dykey appeal. In fact, the movie on a whole got a lot more boring once they turned into fembots. At least "Sorority Boys" left the so-called "ugly girls" as is and gave me boys in drag.

(Side note: what the hell was up with her going from short hair to long hair in her makeover? Does that mean she's wearing a wig? And what are they trying to say about femininity and sexiness? Can no woman look hot and/or girly with shorter hair? I mean, I know that the whole movie's concept is pretty stupid- you have to be pretty slutty, looks-obsessed, and dumb to get a boy and be cool!- but really? You're only smoking hot if you have tresses swinging down to your shoulders? Guh. But I digress.)

She was just so cute before- all angry and cynical in her laid-back flannel shirt and adorable hair. Looks like a mini-Shane McCutcheon, the little baby dyke before she grew up. And did she really bite a stupid frat boy on the arm and then grin from ear to ear and preen proudly? Swoon. Her feministy attitude was just icing on the cake. What a delicious unexpected treat! I was drooling.

I haven't been this happy about a butch sighting since Margarita Levieva's yummy boyish Annie Newton in "The Invisible". (Not the best picture . . . or maybe she just made a bigger impression on me in the film, what with all that badass bravado and carrying a knife and being hardcore). Too bad the film left me more than a little bored.

I'm sure I've missed some cuties. Anybody got some more butchies in recent film?
Click here to read the rest!

Monday, December 15, 2008

On The [Straight] Edge

I don't think anybody could call me 'straight edge' (or, symbolically, sXe), that phrase used to describe all them hardcore partying punks who don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have casual sex, and maybe, depending on who you ask, consume caffeine or modern medication. For one thing, I'm probably not really part of the hardcore punk scene. Okay, not at all. And secondly, I really like alcohol. Like, a lot. Yum. Ooh, I think I'll go pour myself a glass of wine and settle in to write this blog!

It's not that I have a problem with people living clean lives. I actually think it rocks, a lot. Alcohol, drugs, and mindless promiscuity all have their hand in creating serious problems in our nation. It can devastate lives. And let's face it- in a world where those are often the norm, people choosing to take the road less travelled is pretty inspiring. I like people who go against the grain. Abstaining in this way is just cool.

So why do I cringe when I hear it? It turns out that I have a lot of beefs with this subculture, and in fact, they have nothing to do with the murmurs that straight edge is a cult, that it's been connected in several cases to violence, arson, and even murder, or the enormous backlash against it, usually to the not-so-eloquent tune of "wussy faggots". Without further ado, a break-down of my criticisms, after the jump.

* "Moderation? What Moderation?"

Straight edge makes a big deal out of the dangers of drug and alcohol consumption as risky, self-damaging actions. Which is good; it needs to be pointed out. People need to bring attention to this phenomenon. Punk identity and the musical scene need to deal with the disturbing trends of blackout drinking and dangerous drug consumption. And therefore straight edge, with its pledge against all this, is great.

Except . . . where is the place for moderation? What ends up happening is that all of those hardcore folks who do engage in dangerous behavior laugh and mock our straight edge kiddies, said straight edge kiddies often get all snooty and self-righteous (though, to their credit, I will note that there's a strong and reassuring trend of straight edgers who stress the very opposite), and like with anything that is avoided completely, if the straight edge kiddies slip, they'll tend to fall hard. In our society, curiosity reigns king, particularly with those taboo things like sex and drugs. And the choices that greet the curious are either complete abstinence or going overboard. I'm not saying that straight edgers are stupid or weak for not engaging moderately in alcohol, drugs, or sex. Please. Some of us are cut out for these vices, and others, for whatever reason, were not made to do moderation. If you have the power to figure out that you can't cut it off at two drinks and therefore decide to abstain, more frickin' power to you. I don't have a problem with the choices the straight edgers make; I have a problem with the fact that the picture painted of the punk landscape by straight edgers is a cliff- you're either on the edge, having fun but safe, or you've crashed and burned by going over. In reality, isn't it far more likely to be a slope? There's the high level spot of pure safety, a little lower down where there may be a danger of slipping if you're not careful, and the bottom. But people who want to engage moderately are not addressed by anybody. Want to know a little bit more about how much alcohol is good for you to have a nice time but not become sick or seriously impair your judgement? What about figuring out how to safely hook up with a stranger, including navigating safe sex and not being robbed, raped, or murdered by a serial killer? What if you want to better understand your own personal limits for doing drugs safely, or not contracting diseases through dirty needles? Too bad. The straight edge movement has nothing for you.

* "At Least I'm Not Some Loser Druggie Slut!"

I've talked about it before in my other blog, "I Smoked Marijuana Once" . . . weed snobs. Or, in this case, snobs against any type of behavior non-sanctioned behavior. I'm getting tired of people's mindless separatism and using others to make themselves feel superior. It used to come from the people mocking those who didn't do drugs, alcohol, or casual sex, throwing names like "nerd" or even the old-fashioned "goody two-shoes". Now, as retaliation, it comes from the other side, as they smirk, brag about their pure, untainted bodies, crticize the mental health and decisions of those who do choose to indulge, and otherwise create this divide. It doesn't even have to be so outright as the above quote. Often, it's this smugness that translates through their words that seem kind on the outside, but have these hidden barbs as the straight edge individual sweetly flashes you a patronizing smile, condescenion dripping. "Of course everyone has the choice to live their lives like they want. It's just that I'd rather live healthy, you know, be a good person." It's just not impressive. You know what will really impress me? When people stop characterizing others in this ridiculously shallow way and stop stroking their egos by creating moralistic divides.

* "C'mon, Don't Be A Dork, Just Don't Do It!"

One term I hear bandied about in promotion of straight edge is "positive peer pressure", which, to me, seems like an oxymoron. It's like "positive racism". Peer pressure is not bad because your peers are egging you on to do bad things. In my mind, at least, peer pressure is bad because it's somebody else pressuring you. It robs you of your individual powers to think, to reason logically, to listen to yourself, to be independent, and to suffer the consequences or enjoy the rewards of your actions (not to mention that it's bad because your so-called friends don't respect your wishes and instead try to impose something on you). But of course the term 'positive peer pressure' is the key word for parents, who heave big sighs of relief and shell out money so that their sons and daughters can wear the sXe sweat shirts and go to the straight edge bands to rock out. I can almost hear them now. Thank God our children have peers who will pressure them to do healthy, safe things! That way, when our children inevitably meet people who are not so healthy and safe, they will be just as malleable to that similar pressure! Yay! Who knew raising kids and lemers was so similar? (Note: my obvious sarcasm may taste bitter to unaccustomed readers).

* "As I was saying, drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't do drugs. If you do them, you are bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay."

Casual sex, alcohol, and drugs are suddenly, wholely bad. Every time I hear somebody bad-mouthing alcohol, drugs, or sex as some sort of evils, I have to laugh. All three have such long, esteemed histories, not only in our own culture, but in the world. Alcohol has long been hailed as a part of social gatherings. Granted, it doesn't- and shouldn't- have to be imbibed to have a good time. Of course not. But it brings people together, acts as social lube, greasing the wheels of conversation. I have some of my best memories of occasions with alcohol . . . and I'm not talking about the times I've went overboard into stupidity (though those are fun to look back on, too, in a different way). It's a rite of passage, and you find it in all sorts of happy memories- that glass of champagne at your wedding, the buddy-bonding beer at the game, that first ushering into adulthood at 21 (or, more likely, the giddy feel of trespass earlier). And the same goes with casual sex- it's a common and rather natural occurrence in our society, a time-honored tradition. And yet there is still a surprising condemnation of casual sex. First it was the morality crowd, condemning casual sex as immoral, a sin against God. And then, when that wore out, the pscyhologist's side has come in- telling us these casual hookups are either the cause or the symptom of emotional disconnectedness, lack of self-esteem and worth, and self-destruction (in itself a blog I'd like to pen later). Nevermind that there are millions of young men and women who enjoy casual sex without any bad effects, and, in many cases, positive feelings. That doesn't fit in with our preconceptions. Straight edge is just another in the growing list of people who have no room for nuance in their discussions. Sex, drugs, and alcohol are harmful activities. Period. Anyone who does them, even with a great deal of forethought, discussion, and a healthy emotional outlook, are harming themselves. I'm sorry, but I'm just not buying it.

* "It's A Lifestyle, You Know!"

And lastly, the whole thing just feels kind of pathetic and purposeless to me. For those who are in the punk/hardcore scene and aren't straight edge, there is no marker. They do not wear shirts that proclaim that they don't drink, do drugs, or have casual sex. This is a province of the straight edgers, who seem to feel that their choices must be made public. Why does the drug/alcohol-free lifestyle have to be proclaimed at every turn? More importantly, why does it need a label? And, indeed, the fact that there is a label then leads to huge controversies- people fighting over the purity of the straight edge identity, and whether being vegan or getting a tattooo will invalidate your straight edginess. I guess that when I hear about straight edge, it kind of reminds me of those previously-blogged-about g0ys, a separate subculture that puts down and condemns the larger culture from which it branched in order to make its members feel cool and normal. Straight edge is less about the choices of the lifestyle and more about, again, fitting in and getting attention. It feels like banging on your chest and screaming "Look, look how wonderful I am! Look what I'm doing! I'm different! I'm rebellious! Ha ha!". Nothing about straight edge has a message of responsibility and common sense; instead, it's another fad. The minute you start proclaiming yourself straight edge, in my opinion, you've taken a step down, even if you haven't changed a bit of your action.

So that's it. For now, at least. It's been pretty interesting avoiding my final projects to troll around the internet as witness to the fight between the sXE crazies and the druggie crazies. In the end, I suppose it's a fight waged not in the mainstream world, but supposedly in the mosh pits of the punk scene. And yet it calls to me because so many of the pitfalls befall its system as do the mainstream system: nobody wants to think or allow for complexity. Black and white is much simpler, is it not? As is rejecting everyone not like you and justifying it in your mind. Whatever. Time for another glass of wine ;)
Click here to read the rest!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

We Are NOT A Couple!

Who's your daddy? Disturbing details after the jump.

My mom's birthday is today. So, happy birthday, momma! (Even though she doesn't read the blog). I shopped for her early- and baked a chocolate cherry devil's food cake- but of course my dad was a procrastinator and dragged me out to go shopping with him. Not too much of a problem, right? I'm soooo not a shopper, and I tire of it quickly, but it has been a while since I've been to the mall.

We decide to go for some champange flukes, as she loves all china and glassware, and had announced this morning that she'd like some champagne to celebrate. So there we are, strolling around the houseware section of Macy's, and ask a question of the older saleslady there. She smiles, ushers us to sit down as she starts investigating on the computer, and then asks "Are you two reigstered here?"

My mind went into such shock that I couldn't even register the question, except for a slow "Nooo." as my dad said "Oh no, that's my daughter."

Yeah. She covered up quickly, only slightly flustered as she talked about some good friends of hers in a May-December relationship, and we moved on, but boy, talk about disturbing. It simultaneously makes me laugh and shudder. I don't even care if it was because she thought I looked old . . . I know that in the wrong light, I don't look like the spring chicken that I am. It's just the idea of it!

And here's the kicker . . . for the rest of the day, it kept haunting me. We go to Carl's Jr. for a burger; and whoa, why does this resemble a date? I've probably been reading too much incest erotica; I can't help it, I love the dynamics of angry fathers punishing their sons and daughters! But applying it to my own life is just very very uncomfortable. No thanks.

So, that was my shocker for the weekend. I certainly hadn't expected to have to tell somebody that me and my dad were not a couple!
Click here to read the rest!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Pussy Singalong

Songs about your kitty kat.

1) Julie Rae's "The Vagina Song":

2) Inspired by Mickey Avalon's "My Dick" (which shall be showcased in a blog about penis songs, of course), Maureen and Angela, along with a bevy of other talented ladies like Margaret Cho, wrote this equally fun and silly "My Puss".

3) I don't take much enjoyment out of hearing Jessy Delfino sing, but her lyrics do make me laugh, with "My Pu55y Is Magic":

4) And ah, yes, the mac daddy of them all- Pig Vomit's (oh, what a band name!) "Vagina Song".

5) Seems like Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" is ripe for parodies of all kinds, as we saw in the list of sex toys songs. So here is Pyscho Mike's version "Hey There Vagina".

6) The catchiest song about lower lips, ever. "The Labia Song" from the show "Drawn Together".

7) Again, from "Kama Sutra: The Musical", here is a funny little introduction to your love button. What, you've never said the words "Meet My Clitoris"?

8) Oh, those cheeky Brits. Ivor Biggun is back yet again, teasing us with "Pussy".

9) I don't think this song should really count, because, c'mon, it really has no content. But with a title like "Moist Vagina", it can't NOT be on the list.

10) 80's synth pop and some lovely imagery with Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls".

Click here to read the rest!

OMG Blog Redesign!

You can read about it after the jump, or just use your eyeballs. What do you think? Leave me comments!

Well, maybe you don't think it warrants an "OMG", but if you'd spent as much time navigating the Interwebs and fiddling around as I did, you'd realize that it's frickin' huge.

So I've went in a, shall we say, different direction. The new look is obviously a lot more sophisticated (i.e. it doesn't just look like a blogger template), but it's also perhaps a little less "cheery" and maybe a little more "dramatic" (I can't help it, I love burgundy and gold!). Also new are pictorial links to sites (not yet finished, mind you . . . hey pornographers, long horizontal banners don't fit well into sidebars!), a "Current Crush" feature that'll introduce you to someone who's on my mind and should be on yours, and a big old top header so you know just who exactly is doing the blogging, lol.

So what do you think? Is it better, or worse? (Or do you not even care?)

Also, much, much love must be given to Vin at Blog Doctor, without whose helpful site I'd be very, very lost.
Click here to read the rest!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Forgot I Was A Pervert

It's late, and my roommate and I are lying in our respective beds, she reading, me wasting time on the Internet (as always, yes?). Out of the blue, Sara (a pseudoynm, of course), asks me if I've ever read a romance novel.

The closest thing that I have would be the massive "Phyllida and the Brotherhood of Philander", which has all the trappings of historical Regency romance except, of course, because I'm reading it, also features a gay-leaning bisexual protagonist and a menage-a-trois theme running through the whole thing. Why would I waste time reading anything else? I decided to mention it anyways, and even threw in there that it was a bit sexy.

I'm still unsure of her reason for wanting to read a romance novel, though she tried to express it to me: she rarely read anything other than murder mysteries, and she felt she'd like to have a romance novel on her shelf, have that experience, I guess you could say. We giggled, I counted off the things I disliked about the cliched romance novels that have Fabio on the cover- the bodice-ripping alpha male, the predictable gender roles (I love butch/femme, of course, but give it to me queer or fetishy!), the awful purple prose. Well, weren't they sexy? She asked. In my opinion, no, they weren't. They might have sex in them, and a good deal more than a lot of other books, but the whole thing was intended to make you sigh and your heart swell with that lovin' feeling. If you wanted sexy, I maintained, it was called erotica. And then we were on the topic of erotica, me clumsily fumbling around trying to act like I don't know pretty much everything about erotica.

More back and forth, I suggested she try some light chick lit, which she promptly rejected when I read some of the titles and their synopses. So I finally said a mental "fuck it" and offered up one of the books in my collection, the previously blogged Amorous Woman. I mean, it was sexy but also romantic and sad and funny, truly a tale of a modern woman. Of course, the first thing my roommate's eyes latched on was the girl in her underwear on the cover, and the emblazoned words "adults only". Eeek.

But why should that be a problem? This girl is no virginal thing. Why, it was only last week that she'd gleefully shown me the new piece of lingerie she'd bought to surprise her boyfriend for his birthday. We'd talked fairly frankly about sex.

And yet I lay there listening to her squeal in shock and disgust, and silently cursed the fact that I'd handed out my secrets. I mean, I guess I've always believed that everyone was secretly pretty pervy. We don't usually talk about it, but everybody masturbates, everyone has some form of erotica, whether it's their fantasies or something more explicit. I keep my kinky stuff to myself; I know enough to not nonchalantly talk about BDSM and genderqueerness. But a little plain ol' vanilla sexin'? C'mon!

So, yes. I've introduced my roommate to erotica, outed myself as a pervert, and I stupidly feel guilty about it. Why can't I just say, all smiley and sassy "Girl, I love me some sex! There ain't nothin' wrong with it, you should give it a try!" and finish with a wink? Why must I stammer and laugh to cover it up?

Huh. I seriously need to remember that not everybody is coming from the same mindset as me. I mean, I've had a long, long time to become acquainted with porn and erotica . . . other people, Sara included, probably needed something gentle, and I offered up hardcore. D'oh!
Click here to read the rest!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Blogging For Dummies Me

Okay, so I like to think that it's been established that I am just not tech-savvy. I am able to continue thinking that I am solely by the fact that I am surrounded by those who are even more technologically lame than I am- people who blink their eyes in confusion at words like 'server', 'HTML', and 'blogging'. "You're so awesome!", they proclaim as I show them my website or find a solution. And yet, compared to the real experts, I am lamer than lame. I've even chosen the simplest blogging medium, Blogger/Blogspot, made particularly for newbs like moi.

But despite Blogger being pretty easy-to-use (just register and start posting!), any time you want to get the littlest bit sophisticated, you WILL be bombarded with strings of code and talk about CSS and javascript and other words that make me cringe. It took me about a week to figure out how to create expandabe post summaries- you know, that nice feature that shortens my ridiculously long posts to a little sentence with a clickable link to read the rest, because I graciously want to keep my page short, easily navigable, and with short load times. And that was with a lot of help from Internet sources and Googling to try to get it down. Even now problems plague me- you've probably noticed the "Click Here To Read More" link appearing even at the bottom of posts where there is no more to read- but I'm satisfied enough to not tinker with it, lest it all fall apart.

So, having said that, I don't know why I thought I could even attempt Google Analytics. The service is free, provided by Google, and it basically allows you to track who visits your site, when they do, how long they stay, what patterns they follow through your hyperlinks, and how they stumbled upon your site. Sounds pretty cool, right? I'd enviously read someone else's blog about the funny search terms that would lead people to their blogs (and more serious discussions about how Google directs web traffic can always be found at Tony Comstock's blog). And while I suspect most, if not all, of my traffic is the result of Jiz Lee graciously linking me, I still wanted to know for sure.

It might sound like an exercise in vanity, but gosh darnit, I would also like to brag about how people looking for "goat ball sack" get me as a result. And maybe I'd even figure out how to get some better traffic and more visitors (not that I'm obsessed with it . . . I'd write this even if I had no readers, although it'd probably become less about promoting cool sites/stuff and more about whining about my life). So I set about applying it to my blog . . .

. . . and wouldn't you know it- I run into problems. converts the quotations marks in my HTML code into &quote notations. I'm told there is no way around this. I soldier on, find a loophole dealing with javascript and HTML and XML and Google's code and all other sorts of things I barely understand. I'm still told that things are going wrong- tags left floating, something not closed, I'm not sure. Sigh. Why must I always come up against the problems, the bugs, the troubleshooting?

But I triumphed- as I always do, yay!- and finally got it to work. Or rather, got it to say it's working. It will still be another 24-48 hours before I know if the whole shebang is functioning correctly and accurately reporting. But I finally transformed the "Error" message into "Receiving Data", which means Google is at least recognizing the HTML I've put in. Success!

So, because it took me forever to figure it all out, and it was in different places, I want to put up what I did for anybody else to use. Hopefully it helps my fellow Luddites.

1) Get your Google Analytics profile and code, as described here.
2) If you follow all the directions and have no problem, well, lucky you. If, however, you click "Save Changes" and the new code has transformed the quotation marks in your template to &quote, and your Google Analytics account says your status is anything other than "Receiving Data", here's what ya gotta do:
3) Go to, a.k.a. your Dashboard.
4) Click "Layout".
5) Click "Add A Gadget"; it can be anywhere, but near the bottom is preferable, for some reason (not that I tried it elsewhere).
6) Choose "HTML/JavaScript".
7) Leave the title blank, and in the text area, copy and paste the following (presuming I've transcribed it correctly):

<script type="text/javascript">
var gaJsHost = (("https:" ==
<script type="text/javascript">
var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");
document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E"));
<script type="text/javascript">
try {
var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-6495752-1");
} catch(err) {}</script>

<script type="’text/javascript’">
var + \><script src=" http://www. );
//]]" type="text/javascript">\<\/script> : https://ssl.
?" gajshost="((" gajshost
+ );

<script type="’text/javascript’">
var pagetracker="_gat._getTracker(" ua-6495752-1 );

8) Be sure to change the Blog # (designated by the UA-6495752-1 on mine) to whatever yours happens to be. Otherwise it won't work- it'll be reporting on my blog, not yours!
9) Click "Save", which should close out the small window.
10) Click "Save" on the main page, and check to see if it's working with Google Analytics.

And it if doesn't work, well, what can I say . . . I'm horrible at this stuff! But maybe, just maybe I'll help one person, and that's enough for me.

Oh, and if you want to repost these instructions, or better ones you've found elsewhere, remember that all you have to do is replace < with &lt; and > with &gt;. It should all come out right!

So here's to hoping I'll be reporting back to you with all sorts of info from Google Analytics!

Oh, and you might have noticed some new "Digg" buttons at the bottom of my posts. Yeah, I'm trying it out. I'm still not sure if Digg is cool or has gone the way of the dodo, to be replaced by stuff like Stumbleupon or Reddit. I'm just not up-to-date on this stuff. But there it is. If you use it, and like what I've written, please, click away. Otherwise, ignore it. I won't be offended, I swear!
Click here to read the rest!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

100th Post: A Look Back (and Forward)

Well, here it's finally come . . . my 100th post! And I have no idea what I could write that would befit the occasion.

Ever since I started this blog in March (gosh, has it only been nine months?), I've reviewed books and toys and porn, compiled various lists, informed you to nice offers, filled heads with countless dirty ditties, asked questions to which I have no answers, whined about made suggestions for porn, done some detective sleuthing, discussed my personal life, encouraged activism for important causes, alerted you to some really cool sites, discussed porny news, offered my commentary, and, of course, made some LOLporn (by far my most linked blog ever, by the way).

I've strived to write posts that are not, as a creative writing teacher once described it, literary masturbation (his words: "It's fun and you like doing it, and people who love you might appreciate it, but everyone else just kind of thinks it's boring and maybe a little gross"). Although I've said before that I'd keep writing with or without an audience, the fact that people appear to be reading my blog means I want to offer something. Things could change, but I know that, at least in the near future, I won't be the kind of blog to break news (I'll leave that to AVN) or feature interviews and the like. Reposting links always feels like blatant stealing from other, better and more well-trafficked blogs. I don't want to say the obvious ("Oh, homophobia sucks." or "Censorship of free speech is a problem!"). I want, in other words, to offer something that can't be found elsewhere, uniquely me, and worth somebody's time. I don't know if I've done a good job of sticking to these principles, but it continues to be my goal.

Arianna Huffington was on The Daily Show a couple of nights ago, and she and Jon Stewart clashed [in a friendly manner, of course] about blogs, and I have to say that her words somewhat revitalized me for a new year and another round of a hundred blogs. Whether I'm blogging about cheese (oh, Arianna, I love cheese, too!), politics, or sex, I feel it's important and rewarding for me. I'm putting the video here so that you can see it (and also because I have a major girl crush on Arianna).

So look forward to more posts, hopefully a bit more in-depth and maybe even a bit more personal, as I'll have a bunch more time not taken up by school to pursue dating, sex, activism, and all that fun stuff. And maybe even delving into technical upgrades, yikes!
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All You Will Get Is Fake Peen

It's not that I'm dying to see flaccid penises on the big screen, you understand. I like 'em fine enough, but 1) if it's a porn, I'm going to expect to see it get hard, 2) if it's a mainstream film, I'm going to expect it to be either very brief and thus unimportant or unnecessary and distracting from the plot, or 3) if I'm hunting for celebrity masturbatory fodder, more non-genital nudity would go further than the peen, which I can construct just fine in my mind. So following that logic, I really shouldn't be so upset at the fact that I won't be seeing Sean Penn or James Franco's penises in the upcoming movie "Milk".

And yet I am, and I'll tell you why.

(On a side note, I am sooo excited about "Milk", the biopic about the first openly gay politican Harvey Milk. I have to admit it- I'm not that much a fan of Sean Penn. Others love him, tell me he's great, but I just don't care for his personality. But just watching the preview, I'm super-stoked, not only because it looks tremendously well-made, but because I really think it has the potential to rally people. Think about it- angry GLBTQ folks fresh off of being denied marriage + a moving portrayal of political activism + newly politically mobilized youth = a new revolution. Maybe? I don't know. But I'm still excited.)

Anyways, back on topic. When the two characters shimmy down to nothing, their penises are going to be fake prosthetics, as James Franco told Jimmy Kimmel. The question I have, though, and which doesn't seemed to be addressed in any of the other blogs posting the news, is: "Why?"

The last two big prosthetic penises I remember seeing on-screen belonged to Transamerica's Felicity Huffman and Boogie Night's Mark Walhberg- one for the actress who didn't have one herself, and one for the man needing to portray some hefty porno endowment. Both of these were exceptional cases, ones that I just don't think are present in the case of "Milk". I don't remember hearing any rumor that Milk or his lover were hung like horses, thereby requiring filmmakers to provide historical accuracy by means of plastic genitals.

Mind you, I'm not faulting Penn or Franco. Not only must it be incredibly difficult to expose yourself to millions of strangers, making yourself vulnerable through the removal of protective clothes, but it also opens up the wide and ridiculous arena of penis commentary that is sure to follow. Anybody not swinging an enormous club is immediately subject to intense discussion and criticism- all we have to do is look at what happened to poor Jude Law. One outside changing of clothes and boom! everybody is talking about how small the guy is, despite the fact that he appears more than average to moi. (And I've read countless articles in "defense" of Jude Law's penis- from claims of shrinkage in the pool, a hairy bush hiding and diminishing the goods, all the way to the hydraulics of his crouching stance). Dropping trow is a huge risk to one's career, and if I were an agent, I wouldn't be recommending my male talent to be flopping freely in front of cameras, either. And who wouldn't rather put on a fake and let it take all the heat? Penn and Franco, it turns out, are victims of our size-obsessed culture.

I'm just very tired of penis size being yakked about so much. Even after Enzyte has been sued for its false claims and lack of peer-reviewed evidence (even though c'mon, anybody who bought it was an idiot!), I still have to see Bob's damn smiling face while a cheery announcer tells me all about natural male enhancement. Guys are incredibly worried about their size and national male anxiety increases tenfold. But there's little men can do about penis size without dropping serious cash or risking lumpiness (eek!). It truly is the most ridiculous thing to worry about- it just ain't changing. Best learn to love your penis (why are women encouraged to love their bodies, but men rarely are?), learn to modify your lovemaking skills and tool box if your lady/man says size is causing you to lack, and stop stressing.

But unfortunately, watching "Milk" will make sweat break out on your forehead all over again. You might feel better, having heard Franco regale audiences with his humorous tale, as you remind yourself that they're fake, and even Sean Penn, who bedded the eminently beddable Madonna, worried about his own size. Or not. Nobody seems to be calling out the fake penises for what it says about our culture and our sexual anxieties, and I don't care if it's been talked about to death. Somebody should say it and put it on the table, at the very least.

Until then, though, expect a new trend- Judd Apatow be damned- of the dicks being larger than life, because all you're getting is fake peen.

Ah, well. Go and see "Milk" when it comes out- for the story, instead.
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Sunday, November 23, 2008


So, in an attempt to get free sex toys help diversify my blog and offer even more to my readers, I was working on becoming a reviwer for

All was going well . . . and then I was [politely] told that my blog was not yet established enough. Which led to a very calm response on my part:

Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm not that hard up. I still have my trusty G-Force, after all. And it is warranted; my blog hasn't been around that long, I'm not even 100 posts in, and my readership, while more than I ever expected (thanks, Jiz!), is too small to be profitable.

But it's still kind of demoralizing and sad. Will my blog ever be big enough for companies to want to send me their products for free so I will review them? Do I even want that responsibility? (Yes, yes I do!). Oh well. I'll just keep trucking along and see what happens.

But for right now, all I can say is: DE-NIED!
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

If They Were Boys

What's up with all these girls singing hypothetical songs about being guys? It's not that I'm opposed to the gender-bending, but these songs tend to forget all the wonderful things about being boys, or the wonderful things they'd lose about being girls, and instead focus on- what else?- their menfolk cheating and being playas. I'm all for feminist anthems and calling the boys out and pointing out double standards, but I'd like to see us get past this a little bit. With Dar Williams' song being the only exception, the others paint guys as callous cheating jerks, and little more. It's rather insulting, really. Beyonce's new song is being played everywhere, getting stuck in my head (which I hate doubly because CIARA did it first!), and thus this post was born.

* Ciara's "Like A Boy", which gets major props from Ciara's actually butching it up (if the whole superstar thing falls through, she could make a great drag king!) in the video (unfortunately not here, since they all disabled embedding):

* Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy", which is actually a cover of BC Jean's original. Once again, it's essentially man-bashing (not that it isn't true, though), and Jenton Lee calls it out with its female equivalent, If I Were A Girl.

* Fefe Dobson's "If I Was A Guy" (more of the guys sexin' and then being jerks):

* Dar Williams' "When I Was A Boy", which actually manages to be quite sweet and deep.

What do you guys think? Legitimate songs, or boring shit trying to pass for revolutionary feminist calling out of double standards?
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