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Showing posts with label erotica. Show all posts
Showing posts with label erotica. Show all posts
Monday, December 29, 2008
Get It While It's Hot- Free Personalized Erotica!
Santa Clause-style Gwen is a little late in doling out the presents, but here comes a belated Christmas gift.
After the jump, I'll tell you a little bit more about how you can get some custom erotica made for you, plus an eye-opening list of some pretty custom erotica already out there.
For the poverty-stricken like myself, the closest we can usually get to personalized erotica is if we write it ourselves or go and beg on Literotica. I've always hungered over the professional sites- the quality of writing will undoubtedly be much higher and the action just overall hotter, but the prices always frighten me away.
And then, whaddya know, but the fantastically talented people down at Inky Blue Allusions have decided to graciously write some custom stories, for free. It won't be quite the same as when you pay, of course- the stories get published on the site instead of sent to your e-mail, and the authors aren't obligated to follow your instructions down to a T. But it's still a pretty damn good offer. It's not every day that you can write down your fantasy and get a hot story made just for you. All you need to do is fill out character names, genders, and general storyline on the form here and sit back and wait!
Of course, if you do have that Christmas bonus burning a hole in your pocket, you're more than welcome to support some of the various custom erotica writers: Custom Erotica Source, Velvet Diary, Literate Smut, Frisky Fiction, Custom Erotica Fantasies, Under The Crimson Moon, Alena (whose stories are all about you and her), Lady Mika's Menagerie, and Kustom Erotica. Heck, you can even get custom audio erotica from Sensual Words.
I will remind you, though, that if you've got a particular kink, fetish, or theme in your head, it may well already be out there. By no means completely representative of all the professionally published erotica out there, here's a little list I compiled a while ago, just to show how specific some of these anthologies can get:
Sex Acts/Body Part Fetishes Erotica
Anal: "Luscious: Stories of Anal Eroticism" by Alison Tyler
Feet: "Sexiest Soles: Erotic Stories About Feet and Shoes" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Frottage: "Cocktocock Stories, Vol. 1" by Martin Finn
Men's Butts: "Buttmen: Erotic Stories and True Confessions by Gay Men Who Love Booty: 32 Stories, 1 Obsession" by Alan Bell
Men's Feet: "Love Under Foot: An Erotic Celebration of Feet"
Spanking: "Naughty Spanking Stories From A-Z" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Threesomes: "Three-Way: Erotic Stories" by Alison Tyler
Lesbian Erotica
African-American: "Speaking in Whispers: Lesbian African-American Erotica"
Bikers: "Hard Road, Easy Riding: Lesbian Biker Erotica" by Sacchi Green
Bondage: "Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica" by Tristan Taormino
Butch-Butch: "Set In Stone: Butch-Butch Erotica" by Angela Brown
Butch-Femme: "Back To Basics: A Butch/Femme Anthology" by Therese Syzmanski
Christmas: "Dyke The Halls: Lesbian Erotic Christmas Tales" by Linda Alverez
Cowgirls: "Rode Hard, Put Away Wet: Lesbian Cowboy Erotica"
Femme-Femme: "Glamour Girls: Femme/Femme Erotica" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Jewish: "Friday the Rabbi Wore Lace: Jewish Lesbian Erotica" by Karen X. Tulchinsky
Magic: "Bell, Book, and Dyke: New Exploits of Magical Lesbians"
S/M: "No Mercy" by Pat Califia
Sports: "Body Check: Erotic Lesbian Sports Stories" by Nicole Foster
Supernatural: "Call of the Dark: Lesbian Tales of the Supernatural" by Therese Syzmanski
Tough Women "Tough Girls: Down and Dirty Dyke Erotica" by Lori Selke
Travel: "Tales of Travelrotica for Lesbians: Erotic Travel Adventures" by Simone Thorne
Vampires: "Dark Angels: Lesbian Vampire Erotica" by Pam Keesey
Gay Male Erotica
Asian: "Best Gay Asian Erotica" by Joel Barraquiel Tan
Barely Legal: "Barely Legal: A New Collection of Erotic Tales" by John Butler
Baseball: "Fast Balls: Erotic Tales of America's Favorite Pastime" by Jesse Grant
Bears: "Tales From The Bear Cult: Bearotica for Your Inner Goldilocks" by Mark Hemry
Bondage/S/M: "Roughed Up: More Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power" by Simon Sheppard
College Boys: "Dorm Porn: Steamy Tales of Boys On Campus"
Cops: "Hot Cops: Gay Erotic Stories" by Shane Allison
Cowboys: "Cowboys: Gay Erotic Tales" by Tom Graham
Daddy/Boy: "Daddy's Boys: Erotic Short Stories" by Kenneth Harrison
Exhibitionism/Voyeurism: "A View To Thrill: The World of the Voyeur and the Men Who Like To Be Watched" by Paul J. Willis
Musclemen: "Musclesex: A Collection of Erotic Short Stories" by Greg Nero
Pirates: "Treasure Trail: Erotic Tales of Pirates on the High Seas" by Jack Hart
Porn Stars: "Skinflicks: Erotic Tales From Behind the Scenes: An Anthology"
Prostitutes: "Hustlers: Erotic Stories of Sex for Hire"
Soldiers: "A Night In the Barracks: Authentic Accounts of Sex in the Armed Forces" by Alex Buchman
Sporty Men: "Full Body Contact: Sexy, Sweaty Men of Sport" by Greg Herren
Travel: "Between the Palms: A Collection of Gay Travel Erotica"
Truckers: "Truckers: True Gay Erotica" by Johnny Hansen
Twinks: "Twink" by Jack Fritscher
Vampires: "Blood Lust: Gay Erotic Vampire Tales"
Water: "Liquid Delights: Erotic Tales of Wetness" by Jardonn Smith
Bisexual: "The Best of Both Worlds: Bisexual Erotica" by Sage Vivant
Genderqueer: "Genderflex: Sexy Stories on the Edge and In-Between" by Cecilia Tan
Transgender: "Transgender Erotica: Trans Figures" by M. Christian
Themes/Fetishes/Types
Adultery: "Homewrecker: An Adultery Anthology" by Daphne Gottlieb
Aliens: "Off Limits: Tales of Alien Sex" by Ellen Datlow
Anonymous Sex: "Sex With Strangers: Wicked Words"
Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men: "Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica" by Hanne Blank
Birthdays: "The Happy Birthday Book of Erotica" by Alison Tyler
Bondage: "Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage" by Rachel Kramer Bussell
Career Women: "Bosslady" by Justus Roux
Christmas: "The Merry XXXmas Book of Erotica" by Alison Tyler
Crime: "Noirotica: An Anthology of Erotic Crime Stories" by Thomas S. Roche
Cross-Dressing: "Crossdressing: Erotic Stories" by Veronica Vera
Death: "Dying for It: Tales of Sex and Death"
Exotic Locales: "Erogenous Zones: An Anthology of Sex Abroad"
Exhibition and Voyeurism: "Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionsists"
Fairies: "Fairy Lust: Volume 1: Elvin Erotica" by Melanie Klegerman Fersko
Famous People: "Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers" by Mitzi Szereto
Female Dom/Male Sub: "She's On Top: Erotic Stories of Female Domainance and Male Submission" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Food/Cooking: "Sex in the Kitchen" by Lindsay Gordon
Fuck-Buddies: "Sex Buddies: Erotic Stories About Sex Without Strings"
Ghosts: "The Big Book of Erotic Ghost Stories" by Greg Wharton
Guilt: "Confessions: Admissions of Sexual Guilt"
Halloween: "Scary Shorts for Halloween" by Janet Sanger
Holidays: "Sex On Holiday" by Kerri Sharp
Humor: "As Cupid Cavorts: Three Short Stories of Erotic Humor" by Tom Mitchell
Internet: "Torn Shapes of Desire: Internet Erotica" by Mary Ann Mohanraj
Lingerie" by Rachel Kramer Bussel
Maids: "Maids: An Erotic Anthology"
Male Dom/Female Sub: "He's On Top: Erotic Stories of Male Dominance and Female Submission"
Mature/Elderly: "Ripe Fruit: Erotica for Well-Seasoned Lovers" by Marcy Sheiner
Myths: "Mythic Erotica: The Papyri Goddesses"
Necrophilia: "Necrophilia Variations" by Supervert
Older Women: "The MILF Anthology: Twenty-One Steamy Stories"
Offices: "Sex In The Office" by Kerri Sharp
Restraint: "Slave To Love: Sexy Tales of Erotic Restraint" by Alison Tyler
Rock 'N' Roll: "Backstage Passes: An Anthology of Rock & Roll Erotica from the Pages of Blue Blood Magazine" by Amelia G
S/M: "Things To Come: A Collection of S&M Erotica" by DJ King
Scat: "Divine Filth" by George Bataille
Shopping: "Sex and Shopping" by Lindsay Gordon
Sports: "Sex At The Sports Club" by Kerri Sharp
Strange/Different: "But I Know What You Want: 25 Sex Tales for the Different" by James Williams
Strong Women: "Amazons: Sexy Tales of Strong Women"
Technology "Technosex: Cyber Age Erotica" by Cecilia Tan
Travel: "Foreign Affairs: Erotic Travel Tales" by Mitzi Szereto
Underwear/Lingerie: "Ultimate Undies: Erotic Stories About Underwear and
Uniforms: "Sex In Uniform" by Kerri Sharp
Viagra & Women: "Viagra, Sex, and Romance: The Women Who Take It Reveal Their Erotic Tales" by Elizabeth Myles
Victorian: "Erotic Tales of the Victorian Age" by Bram Stoker
Werewolves: "The Beast Within: Erotic Tales of Werewolves" by Cecilia Tan
Water: "Aqua Erotica: 18 Stories By a Steamy Bath"
Ethnic
African-American: "Black Silk: A Collection of African-American Erotica"
Chinese: "In The Inner Quarters: Erotic Stories from Ling Mengchu's Two Slaps" by Lenny Hu
French: "Ooh La La!: Contemporary French Erotica by Women"
International: "The Erotic Planet: Sexy Stories From Around The Globe" by Jeff Laurent
Italian: "In The Forbidden City: An Anthology of Erotic Fiction by Italian Women"
Jamaican: "Erotic Jamaican Tales" by Sean Harris
Jewish: "The Oy of Sex: Jewish Women Write Erotica" by Marcy Sheiner
Latina: "Pleasure In the World: Erotic Writings by Latin American Women"
Latino: "Under The Pomegranate Tree: The Best New Latino Erotica" by Ray Gonzalez
Mediterranean: "Erotic Stories from the Portugese" by Manuel Teixeira-Gomes
Native American: "Without Reservation: Indigenous Erotica" by Kateri Akiwenzie-Damm
Russian: "Stories from the Folklore of Russia: Erotic Tales of the Cossacks"
South-East Asia: "Best of Singapore Erotica" by L.Q. Pan
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Book Review: "Amorous Woman"
I read it a while back, but I wanted to write a review for Donna George Storey's book Amorous Woman, because it's rare that an erotic book captivates me as much as this one did. I had been eagerly awaiting its release since I first heard about it, and not only did it not disappoint, but it even managed to impress this old jaded reader. And with 23 5-star reviews on Amazon- almost unheard of in terms of book reviews, especially erotica, which rarely can satisfy all the disparate predilections of its very diverse readers- it's destined to be a classic in the genre.Don't let its rather tacky cover fool you: it really should be a Caucasian woman on the cover, since that is its protagonist. As the book blurb says, "For a sum much smaller than a plane ticket an American woman can travel to a rustic hot-spring inn where anything goes after midnight, don the gorgeous kimono of a Japanese bride, romp in the dungeon rooms of tacky love hotels, act out an orgy straight from manga porn, and slip inside Kyoto’s most exclusive restaurants for exquisite dinners of seduction. The Amorous Woman experiences almost every flavor of erotic pleasure Japan has to offer—and she’s happy to take you along for the ride. Inspired by Ihara Saikaku’s 17th-century satiric novel of the pleasure quarters, this story of an American woman’s love affair with Japan— and many sexy men and women along the way— gives readers a chance to journey to a Japan few tourists ever see."
It's interesting . . . I read Amorous Woman in the same period of time that I read Sheridan Prasso's The Asian Mystique: Dragon Ladies, Geisha Girls, And Our Fantasies of the Exotic Orient (as I am wont to do . . . too ADD to focus on one at a time, I suppose), and the effect was disorienting: one book critically dissecting the racism, stereotyping, objectification, and imperialist fantasies that provide the erotic charge and fetishization of Asia, and the other blatantly encouraging it (well, not the racism- mostly just the objectification), relishing in the exoticism in what could almost be considered an affair with an entire country, and not just the men in it. And yet while she's certainly fetishizing Japan, it doesn't feel bad in any way (I wonder if I'd feel the same if it was written by a white man?). Donna's love and respect for Japan and Japanese culture comes across as strong and pure.
I'm sure, of course, that I'm bringing my own experiences to the reading. Certainly, the history-drenched Kyoto Prefecture is as different from Ibaraki Prefecture (where I stayed) as New York differs from, say, Houston. But the experiences of a foreigner in Japan seems to be mostly the same everywhere, and everything resonates beautifully, from the evocative descriptions, the perfectly selected details, even to the sex (as someone shocked by my attraction to other foreigners who I wouldn't have given a glance in America, I appreciated the gaijin-gaijin fling in the book- it rang very true for me). Those who have visited Japan will undoubtedly be instantly transported back, and those who haven't will be introduced to a rich panoply of cultural landscape.
And then there's the next best thing: straight Asian guys! Yay! They still may not have much of a/any representation in porn, but Storey definitely adds to the small but precious list of eroticized, heterosexual male Asian characters, with loving, hot descriptions that come from someone who truly 'gets it'. (For all you looking for more, I've compiled a short list of some other Asian men in erotica- got any more?: the scrumpdidilyupmtious character of Takeshi in Madelynne Ellis' Dark Designs, David Imakita of Emma Holly's In The Flesh, the unnamed lover of Marguerite Duras' The Lover, and the collection On A Bed Of Rice).
But enough discussion of the Asian/Japanese aspects of the book (since, I'm aware, there are folks out there who aren't as in love with it as I am). This book is well-written. I mean, seriously well-written. I'm not talking about your usual "hey, hot erotica without typos and grammar errors!", but about the kind of writing style, in terms both of lyricism and structuring, that almost gives you chills. Everything seems crafted to add deep layers of eroticism and emotion, from the general outlay of the narration (it takes place as Lydia's recounting of her experiences to two men preparing to go to Japan), to the clever introduction that foreshadows the tale, and the neat tricks used to jam-pack sexy action in and up its levels of heat without turning our heroine into a cliched slut or throwing away reality. And this is only the structure. The sensuality of the words, the way they flow and build- it's all very, very delicious. The entire novel has a deep mood about it that's almost haunting. And the story is good; good enough that I'd be willing to read it even with all the sexin' taken out. Not to mention that so much of the book goes back to feeling real (probably because a good deal of it was autobiographical . . . how much, I'm not sure, though I certainly am curious). I won't give away any plot points, but it's rare for an erotic book to address some of the unsexy issues here, and to do it so well- the portrayal of an entire woman, instead of just segmented-off sexuality and happy-ending-no-complications romance. But don't be fooled- the sex in here is wonderfully varied and very steamy.
So yeah. Amorous Woman gets 6 stars out of five for making me pull it out of the drawer more times than anything else- and for making me daydream about it when I'm not reading it.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Book Review: “Sex For America: Politically Inspired Erotica”
I would have liked to put in my own review of Rachel Kramer Bussel's "Spanked!", like everyone else is doing, but unfortunately, I don't have a copy handy (and really, Jiz's favorable and sexy review should be enough to convince you to buy it). So I may not have "Spanked!", but I would like to put in a review of a book I do have, Stephen Elliot's "Sex For America: Politically Inspired Erotica", especially given how appropriate politics are at this time.It's rather intriguing, I think, that Elliot also has out another book, under the title of "Even More Politically Inspired Fiction". Oddly enough, though, there is no prequel or original to this, except for "Sex For America", which bills itself not as fiction, but as erotica. This in itself might be a warning clue to what you'll find inside. Elliot, after all, is not primarily an erotica writer- though he has one erotic collection ("My Girlfriend Comes To The City And Beats Me Up"), his background is more mainstream fare. And while I want everyone to be able to break free of their molds and try out dirty writing (dirty editing?), perhaps it really ought be left to the professionals.
Most of the stories here don't register much heat- I would only go to a few as masturbatory aids. Others aren't much to write home about, and some are fabulous, but not really in the "political erotica" category. I still have high hopes for political erotica, and part of me wonders where all the expected stories might be. Were the authors so eager to go outside the box? Did Stephen Elliot pick and choose out of a bigger pool? I'm just at a loss.
But, nonetheless, here is a break-down of the book after the jump. I honestly think you can find a lot of good stories here, maybe not for your bedside drawer, but at the very least for your literary shelves.
Jerry Stahl’s “Li’l Dickens” gets points for sheer gravitas: writing erotica about Dick Cheney has got to be the most daunting task in the world. And yet . . . he nails it, perfectly. Mind you, it’s not the kind of story where you really want to be visualizing the action, but the characterization of a smirky, kinky, powerful Dick, the selection of details, and the clever, tongue-in-cheek twist on the Harry Whittington scandal all make this a true winner . . . and oddly sexy. It’s no surprise the story had previously been published- it has everything going for it. Great opener.
Michelle Tea’s “Music From Earth” is ultimately a little bit of a let-down. The premise- a San Francisco-dwelling lesbian returns home to hurricane Erica-ravaged Florida and ends up sleeping with a male friend about to ship off to war- is a good one, but in execution, it seems to lose something. I’ve felt this way before about Michelle Tea’s fiction; it’s hard to connect with the narrator, feel sympathy for the characters, and, at least here, to find much eroticism in the quick and passionless sex. The story tries- it has the sex, the politics, and a good idea- but just doesn’t push through. At the very least, I imagine it could have much more success in a different anthology, one not classified as “erotica”.
Mistress Morgana’s “An Open Letter To The Bush Administration” is probably the most brilliant piece of writing in the entire book- a letter from a professional dominatrix to the Bush administration, detailing how their S&M-esque tactics have outshone her and made it impossible for her small business to stay financially afloat. Short and well-written, smart and ironic rather than angry, it’s a gem. While not erotica per se, it deals enough with sexuality that I think it fits in quite well.
Avital Gad-Cykman’s “Tamar’s Prayers” doesn’t really make sense to me. The entire time I was reading it, I kept trying to place it in terms of locale and time and situation, and still couldn’t pinpoint it. Is this a wartime tale in a foreign country? A science fiction tale set in the future? An allegorical depiction of the U.S. as a fairytale-ish myth? Either way, I couldn’t tell, and the sadness of the tale undercut the sex, at least for me. Is it so much to ask that an erotic story actually show someone enjoying themselves?
Anthony Swofford’s “Escape and Evasion” initially gave me hope for something seriously sexy, from its opening line: “When the recruiter asked the queer questions I had a hard-on”. Unfortunately, it falls apart after that, turning into an [admittedly riveting] look into the “Ether Bandit”, a rapist who uses ether to violate men in the Army. Like many of the other stories here, it’s quite good- it was honestly a page-turner, and the ending was perfectly ironic and cinched it for me. But erotic? Not even remotely. The sex here is outright, pre-meditated rape in a way that will leave most readers cold- again, as in “My Most Memorable Encounter”, the rape is not eroticized for forced sex fantasies, and the vivid details of the bloody physical damage are disturbing, to say the least. And the political here is limited to the setting being war- beyond that, there is no discussion of it. It seems to be a trend in this book- good stories that belong somewhere else.
Jami Attenberg’s “Victory Garden” is another one of the set-in-the-future tales, but where the others portray the future as a crazy, gone-wild, topsy-turvy world, this one is refreshingly realistic and somehow subtle in the way that only great, thoughtful writing can provide. The setting is a world where the president has started four wars, and oil is now essentially gone. But life soldiers on, not in dystopian, Mad Max-style hell, but in a surprisingly old-fashioned-feeling rural kind of America. Cars are gone, both as modes of transportation and as places for sex. (And I might add that other little details- condoms being unable to be made without oil, for example, really make the story). Unfortunately, what seems to be missing from this story is an erotic encounter between the two characters. It’s like the author lost the last page he meant to submit . . . it could have been beautiful. I’m in mourning for the sex scene that never was.
Lydia Millet’s “Desert Shield” was a bit above and beyond my political knowledge. To be quite honest, I gave up on this story, which managed to be full of names I should probably know, but was also strange enough to leave me mostly unimpressed.
Daphne Gottlieb’s “Undone” hits the mark on being political with its gay marriage debate focus- definitely a hot topic right now, and still a controversial one for straights and queers alike. And while I love that it sheds some light on the emotional component of folks who never expected the offer of marriage rights, and questions the taken-for-granted belief that all GLBTQ partners would jump at marriage if only they could, I once again ask- where’s the heat? For that matter, where’s the sex? This is an erotica collection, right?
Jonathan Ames’ “Womb Shelter” tries to be provocative, but ends up stretching the word play of “womb shelter” (instead of “bomb shelter”) far too thin. Some of the writing is quite clever (the Jewish bit is great), but there isn’t much of a real story and little eroticism, particularly in his recollection of his nervous and decidedly unsexy tryst with a prostitute.
Eric Orner’s short, animated strip “Fear and Loathing In Chelsea” (I hesitate to call it ‘cartoon’ or ‘comic’) caught me off-guard, actually, and impressed me a quite a bit. I wouldn’t classify it as erotic, really, although sex plays a minor part in it. And it’s not really “political” in the traditional sense of Senators and Capitol Hill. And yet this short piece manages to hit the nail on the head perfectly, criticizing both narcissistic gay male culture and the whole “Politically Correct” movement.
Alison Tyler’s “Measure A, B, or Me?” manages to score a huge goal, as Alison Tyler always seems to do. The story is neither too long nor too short, has an explicit sexual focus, and incorporates politics quite nicely. Bonus perk: even though both protagonists are on the Left, the story doesn’t fall into a Bush-bashing or Right-vilifying mood. The story is a real winner- cute, clever, and hot. An actual erotic story, meant to turn you on, and the characters even know one another and love each other! Props, Alison, props.
James Frey’s “The Candidate’s Wife” is a tantalizing idea- a Democratic worker on the Hill sleeping with the wife of the Republican candidate. And it’s still rather sexy, but while reading it, I had to inject some of my own images, imagination, and fantasy to get “there”, mostly because the writing seems to explicitly keep away from the characters, presumably to add the naughtiness of the casual encounter, and to keep the mystery . . . but it ends up frustrating instead. It’s still good- I just wish the people weren’t held at an arm’s distance.
Charlie Ander’s “Transfixed, Helpless, and Out Of Control: Election Night 2004”, wherein someone gets topped and worked over while being told of the horrors to come in the Bush administration, isn’t a new plot (in fact, it’s essentially the same that appears in “Social Contract”), but the execution here is impeccable. Ander’s writing style feels a little like Pat Califia (the highest compliment I can give) and the story is just much more delicate and emotional than the editor’s own piece, not to mention much sexier and more erotic. Five stars for arousing both my mind and my genitals.
Nick Flynn’s “A Crystal Formed Entirely Of Holes” is a pretty damn cool story, mixing futuristic technology with popular “alt” youth culture to paint a portrait of some rather extreme new body modification. Unfortunately, the story mostly misses the mark on the political aspect, and the erotic aspects, which have so much potential, are only briefly skirted, in tantalizing little teases that never fully evolve into an actual sex scene. Don’t get me wrong- I really do adore this piece and find it smart and fantastically creative and well-written . . . but it would fit much better in a different anthology, or else by incorporating more eroticism (again, something I think could be done very easily).
Rick Moody’s “Notes Of Redevelopment” is by far the queerest, kinkiest, and naughtiest story of the bunch, even though it manages to not classify as erotica, really. Set far in a future U.S. where a lot of significant changes have taken place (part of the country has seceded, slavery exists, China and other countries are the most powerful nations, and conservatism has run rampant, including the G-Rated Only Family Film Act Of 2012), an anonymous transwoman gives some advice to the country’s leaders, mostly by the way of revitalizing the sex and porn industries in very kinky, futuristic ways. The story is just a lot of fun to read- political, but not quite erotica. Still, it gets thumbs up from me.
Tsaurah Litzky’s “Purple Tulip” is a mess. On one hand, I see quite clearly the flash of brilliance in what is otherwise the muck- the interesting concept of an angry, contemptuous Amsterdam man fucking out his aggression towards the U.S. with an American woman (with the cultures so clearly and starkly diametrical). But the rest of the pieces dangle like unfinished strings- the inexplicable addition of the one-armed hooker who is the title’s namesake, the drugs, and the fact that the main sex scene turns painful, panicked, and is essentially rape renders all of the initial eroticism null and void. It’s so jumbled and pointless that I almost wonder if it was at least semi-autobiographical for the author.
Michelle Richmond’s “Milk” actually made me gasp out loud- not something most fiction can do. The beginning had me scratching my head- another confusing tale with apparently no discernable setting and no explanation. But halfway through, everything is revealed, and the twist is SO unexpected, yet makes so much sense . . . it truly is a well-crafted story. The politics of the horrific act of sacrifice work wonderfully for the political aspect, though the erotic just isn’t really there. It, too, doesn’t really belong in an erotic collection, but I’m too in love with it to complain much.
Stephen Elliot’s “Social Contract” feels like a weaker heterosexual version of “Transfixed, Helpless, and Out Of Control: Election Night 2004” fast-forwarded past the election night. There’s great BDSM action, but without delving into any real emotion or giving us deep characterization, I can’t feel much connection with the story, and unlike Ander’s, there is no description of the feelings aroused by the physical torture/pleasuring or the mindfuck . . . it reads like a laundry list of what the dominatrix does, with no reaction, no orgasm, no pleasure. The editor’s sole piece just doesn’t measure up in my opinion.
Keith Knight’s comic strips War-gy and Energy Policy aren’t anything to write home about- essentially, they’re just dirtier versions of your average political cartoons, with lots of literal fucking as a play on words of the way the Bush administration has fucked us over. To be quite honest, while it fits in the book’s theme, it feels old and clichéd, and most certainly wouldn’t qualify as “erotic comics”. They aren’t nearly as impressive as Eric Orner’s piece.
Vanessa Norton’s “Dirty Heaven” combines an intriguing kleptomaniac narrator who gets paired up with a cute boy as she goes about making her door-to-door political spiels. The story starts out strong; the initial attraction and shy interaction was subtle enough to get me wet with anticipation of what was to come next, and I was sold by the time serious groping and kissing was going on. And then . . . it all falls apart. They go to the laundry room but there is no more sex- the narrator tries drugs for the first time, vomits, and that’s about it. Why, Vanessa Norton, why? The story had so much potential to be erotic, and ends up letting readers down tremendously.
Liz Henry’s “Capitol Punishment” isn’t a stand-out tale, but it fulfills all requirements: lots of sex, explicit political focus. The characters are a little detached and cynical in a way that makes them unappealing, although they have do have little endearing moments occasionally. And the BDSM sex can be a little sexy, although the emotional detachment, the lack of real investment in the sex, seems to rob it of some of its heat. I guess I’d just caution that it’s not an amazing story, but neither is it a poor piece of writing. It’s just so-so, but at least it fits in the parameters of the anthology, something a lot of stories here can’t claim.
Pete Orner’s “The Last Socialist” is short and pointless- a page and a half of dry intellectual dialogue exchanged between lovers, and a paragraph of two-minute sex that the narrator describes as like “two wet seals thumping” and leaves the woman [obviously] unfulfilled. Not sexy. Not that political (or at least not straightforward about it). Not worth your time.
Susan O’Doherty’s “My Most Memorable Encounter” is a shockingly good piece of fiction, and a shockingly poor piece of erotica. The story of a young, self-conscious girl thrust into an adult political party and taken advantage of rings true on every level; you feel like you’re in the story. Unfortunately, the rape and abuse at the end is not sexy or even attempting to be sexy. This is not eroticized non-consent or reluctance that a reader with a rape fantasy can enjoy. It’s a sad, bittersweet, heart-wrenching tale, but erotica- not by a long shot.
Steve Almond’s “The True Republic” is another wacky set-in-the-future piece that actually shadows a lot of the details of “Notes Of Redevelopment”, oddly enough (for example, the secession of part of the U.S.). I feel like this story is just trying too hard to push the envelope and be wild and crazy, with an ending that’s supposed to be ironic. It just feels . . . forced. It’s political, alright, and sexual (I wouldn’t go so far to call the odd synthetic virgin orgies erotic, even if I found synthetic virgin orgies erotic . . . there’s not enough description at all), but it never quite gets to the place it wants to go.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Bad News: Libido.com Calls It Quits
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Thursday, July 31, 2008
Luxe: Expensive Porn Makes Me Swoon
I am by no means a girl of extravagant tastes. More often than not, I am a cheapskate- $3 bottles of wine (hey, it's sweet and does the trick!), $10 haircuts, that sort of thing. I usually scoff at people who are preoccupied with how much they paid for the things they own and who tote and wear products solely for the well-understood price tag that goes with the brand name.
And yet, against all logic, I love porn that looks expensive.
Teaser 5 Sensual Stories by Erika Lust
Uploaded by lustfilms
And yet, against all logic, I love porn that looks expensive.
Teaser 5 Sensual Stories by Erika Lust
Uploaded by lustfilms
Luxurious. Naked bodies swaddled in mink, warm mahogany-panelled, fireplace-lit dungeons that are a far cry from the cold and barren cement rooms that usually house BDSM porn, sparkling cinematography that rivals Amelie. It's not that the porn needs to be expensive- it might as well have been shot on a shoestring budget. But that look and feel- the hardcore scene so cinematically sensual that it could follow seamlessly after the nude sketch scene from Titanic. It's a combination of content and cinematography- when there's a certain type of timeless beauty, gorgeous settings, perfect lighting, lovely costumery (if any), tasteful music, and really, really high-quality cameras and equipment. I love and enjoy my handheld-camera, shot-in-a-hotel-room look porn, too- if the content makes up for it. But I still long for that luxurious, expensive feel in my porn.
Click below for the preview of
Petra Joy's "Female Fantasies"
It's interesting, too- it seems like the folks who express this sort of aesthetic often share my same sentiments- their porn is trying to reach people on another level- it's about artistry, sex positivity, women's empowerment. Folks like Erika Lust and Lust Films, Shine Louise Houston and Pink & White Productions (who, by the way, just got some new equipment and says she finally feels "like I've produced something beautiful." . . . though c'mon, Shine, your other films weren't gorgeous?), Petra Joy and Strawberry Seductress. Their porn is drastically different than other porn out there, and while a good deal of what I'm drawn to is the fabulous cinematographic quality, it's not just the HD crystal-clear picture. It's eroticism blended with true sensuality, captured by an artist; it's a visual feast for your eyes. And it looks fucking beautiful.
Click below to see the short erotic film "French
Maid" from Coco de Mer.
For far too long, photographers have been given free license to make stunning erotica (I'm sorry, I mean, studies of artistic nudes), but people have drawn the line at video- as if you can take a picture of a naked woman with either a kodak in your basement or with a 35 millimeter camera in your studio, but when it comes down to filming her get her freak on, all possibilities of making art go out the window, replaced by the need for a money shot.
It's about time that porn started to get back some of its glamour, without having to sacrifice it all to become cheesy "softcore" that most people mock for its so-called pretentiousness ("everyone knows its just whack-off material"). Instead of trying to draw the line between art and porn- how about combining the two for the most beautiful and inspiring possibilities?
I just adore watching the artsy, avant-garde, take-me-back-in-time, Hollywood glamour and elegance and sensuality that seem to come from commercials for ultra-hip and quite expensive brands . . . particularly when they toss in a homoerotic subtext and delicious gender-bending with it. Could you imagine if the following commercials kept on going, into the realm of porn- that boy in girl drag and girl in boy drag having a pervy tryst, the lesbians adding more scratches to that back, and the sailor "boi" playing gay men with her lover. Umm. I think I'll take some time to myself.
Paul Gaultier's Le Rendez-Vous
Campari Red Passion
Campari Red's The Secret
So, honestly. I'm looking forward to more porn that looks like, well, a million bucks. Perhaps my standards are too high- particularly in a porn world that generally ignores the content I find sexy and even then, considers style secondary, if important at all. But I believe that there are gems hidden here and there- the kind of porn that lights my artistic inner romantic as well as my loins.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To Be Underage, Broke, and Horny
Turning 18 was a pretty great moment in my life.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!
3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!
Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Unfairly Villainized? (Or: My Most Controversial Blog Ever)
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Thursday, May 1, 2008
Porn Lags Behind The Genderqueer Revolution
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Thursday, April 10, 2008
You've Got Me All Wet: Underwater Porn and Erotica
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Monday, April 7, 2008
It's Tax Time . . .
My taxes are all done!Okay, so fine, you caught me. I didn't actually do my taxes; my dad and Turbo Tax took care of it. And if all things turn out well, I'll be getting back a nice $300 or so (gosh, I hope so. I really want to pay off my credit card). But it got me thinking about where all my money's been going to lately. Aside from gas to cart me to and fro and the occasional (okay, fine, more than occasional) midnight snack of nachos, it's all been ... porn.
Porn, erotica, and the odd sex toy throw in. Of course, they weren't all bought at once, but when I take a look at my collection from a financial standpoint, well, um, it's a lot.
Let's factor it all in:
* I haven't recently counted every pornographic/sex-related DVD I own lately, but a quick tally in my head gives me a conservative estimate of around 25. And unfortunately, indie porn just isn't cheap. I understand why, of course, but that doesn't make my wallet cry any less. Averaging at about $40 a pop (to take in the delightfully cheap few I got with the abnormally high prices I paid for a couple of others), that means I've spent $1,000.00 on porn. Add in a recurring website subscription at $35 a month (going on for 7 months), and things just start to look really bad.
* Picture it: I do tremendous G-spot toy research. I am like a maverick, weighing the good of each toy against the bad. I am making An Investment For My Future Sexual Pleasure. I finally decide on Fun Factory's "G-Swirl" vibrator from Good Vibrations. It's beautiful. It works quite nice. Its engine quits on me in a month's time, and I weep . . . that's $64.00 down the drain. I guess the thing could still be worth it for someone, but as a dildo, I'm just not digging it.
* I am far too much of a sucker for written erotica, and because my adamant e-mail requests that the library buy everything on my wish list go mostly unanswered, I turn to Amazon. Ever since I got my credit card and a shippable address, I've ordered some 30-odd books either about sex, gender, or full of sexy stories. While prices range, giving them a rough average of $15 each, that's $450.00 bucks for printed paper. I swear, when I become rich beyond my wildest dreams (because of course that's what will happen), I shall make sure that libraries across the country, with the help of my grants, have lots of queer and trans erotica available for the poor and horny college students.
* I love music. I love getting off. Ergo I was way too intrigued by the OhMiBod vibrator, which hooks into your mp3 player (well, your Ipod, if you're not as poor as me) and is supposed to vibrate in sync to the beats of whatever you're listening to. Except that I can't get the darned thing to work half the time, and when it does, it doesn't take kindly to my list of sexy songs, preferring instead to vibrate only to loud and relatively unsexy artists like Bowling For Soup. I've given up on the stupid thing . . . and there's another $69.00 that I'll never get back.
Altogether, that means that I've spent roughly $1,600.00 on sexy stuff. I think it's amazing, and a little scary. Happy to support indie porn. Happy to be the kind of person who knows what turns her on and can get off. But still, thank goodness nobody has thought to ask me where all my money goes.
From now on, I'm off to the land of freebies: Xtube, Literotica, taking website tours and furiously jerking off to preview videos, Google Image Search (safe search off!), and the best softcore sex and nudity that cable TV can offer (dismally less now that Nip/Tuck is over).
Final thought: I hate being broke and knowing exactly where my money went :(
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