Posts
Showing posts with label dildo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dildo. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Yes, I Would Like A Bumpy Glass Dildo, Please
And really, who wouldn't? They're solid and heavy and require less lube and make cleanup a breeze- and I've never had a toy with bumps! Which is why I'm throwing my hat into the ring for Epiphora's little Twitter giveaway contest. (Speaking of which, apparently Twitter giveaways are really popular right now- Tony Comstock just gave away one of his movies!).
And yes, I know that I really shouldn't be entering any more contests, what with my recent winnings- I should be happy with my lovely little prize. But those glass dildos are pretty. And I'm greedy. Add 'em together, and what do you get? One active little contest whore. :D
So go ahead and enter the contest, too- the deadline is June 12th. Good luck!
And yes, I know that I really shouldn't be entering any more contests, what with my recent winnings- I should be happy with my lovely little prize. But those glass dildos are pretty. And I'm greedy. Add 'em together, and what do you get? One active little contest whore. :D
So go ahead and enter the contest, too- the deadline is June 12th. Good luck!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sex Toy Singalong
Another collection of songs, dedicated to all those inanimate objects we put near our nether parts. Enjoy, after the jump!
1) The most famous song of all! A great viral video and a supremely catchy song you'll be humming all over the place. And it's a PSA about how sex toys are for girls AND guys! Enjoy "The Dildo Song":
2) "Vibrator" by Motorhead. I think it's great that somebody finally wrote a song from a vibrator's first-person perspective. That story definitely needed to be told ;)
3) "My Wife's Vibrator" by Dos Gringos. Pretty funny and cute . . . and accurately depicts a lot of men's fears and feelings of inadequacy regarding their female partners' sex toys.
4) Desperatehousewife72 has a lovely little parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" with "Hey There Dildo". And the video's pretty adorable. It's what you do to me . . .
5) "Nipple Clamps" by a group of kids . . . bad quality, unfortunately, but I'm still digging it.
6) Once again, The Wet Spots win at life. "Texas Annie" is not only a catchy country tune about sex toys, but it's political as well. And be sure to watch this little intro to the song as well.
7) Even though the song in this is fairly short, I must include it because I think it totally rocks for a sex toy retailer to make such a cute video. Just for that, they totally get a link. Their "Sex Toy Satire" video is hilarious. I'd totally donate if I saw a telethon like this.
8) Another original, called "Anne, Where Is Your Sex Toy?". Not sure what exactly it's about (well, okay, it's about Anne and her sex toy), but I like it. I guess it's a fun way to break the tension when you stumble across anybody's sex toy- just sing it to them later until they laugh and you can get over the embarrassment.
9) Okay, so espwish's "Young Boys With Rubber Toys" kind of pushes things to extremes, what with the incest and all, but it's nice to hear about boys with toys!
10) "Anything Can Be A Dildo" is kind of stupidly funny. I hope it goes without saying that many things can't be a dildo- or not without harming ya. But props to them for, um, pushing you to be creative with your homemade sex toys?
1) The most famous song of all! A great viral video and a supremely catchy song you'll be humming all over the place. And it's a PSA about how sex toys are for girls AND guys! Enjoy "The Dildo Song":
2) "Vibrator" by Motorhead. I think it's great that somebody finally wrote a song from a vibrator's first-person perspective. That story definitely needed to be told ;)
3) "My Wife's Vibrator" by Dos Gringos. Pretty funny and cute . . . and accurately depicts a lot of men's fears and feelings of inadequacy regarding their female partners' sex toys.
4) Desperatehousewife72 has a lovely little parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" with "Hey There Dildo". And the video's pretty adorable. It's what you do to me . . .
5) "Nipple Clamps" by a group of kids . . . bad quality, unfortunately, but I'm still digging it.
6) Once again, The Wet Spots win at life. "Texas Annie" is not only a catchy country tune about sex toys, but it's political as well. And be sure to watch this little intro to the song as well.
7) Even though the song in this is fairly short, I must include it because I think it totally rocks for a sex toy retailer to make such a cute video. Just for that, they totally get a link. Their "Sex Toy Satire" video is hilarious. I'd totally donate if I saw a telethon like this.
8) Another original, called "Anne, Where Is Your Sex Toy?". Not sure what exactly it's about (well, okay, it's about Anne and her sex toy), but I like it. I guess it's a fun way to break the tension when you stumble across anybody's sex toy- just sing it to them later until they laugh and you can get over the embarrassment.
9) Okay, so espwish's "Young Boys With Rubber Toys" kind of pushes things to extremes, what with the incest and all, but it's nice to hear about boys with toys!
10) "Anything Can Be A Dildo" is kind of stupidly funny. I hope it goes without saying that many things can't be a dildo- or not without harming ya. But props to them for, um, pushing you to be creative with your homemade sex toys?
And, once again, Josefsberg and Gurner don't have enough videos on Youtube, but listen to their Myspace song "Blow Up Doll".
Yay, sex toys! Go to your favorite shop right now and sing an ode to your cashier- they deserve it!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Toy Review: The Tantus G-Force Dildo
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Sunday, June 15, 2008
To Be Underage, Broke, and Horny
Turning 18 was a pretty great moment in my life.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!
3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!
Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Is It Any Wonder A Girl Turns To Vaginal Sex Instead?
I really like anal stimulation.In a world where the average non-porn female seems anal-phobic, inclined to squeal "But it hurts sooooo much!" and whine and generally act like it's the most perverted act that the whole of mankind ever invented . . . I like it.
I can't even quite describe why I like it. Anal penetration is definitely different than vaginal penetration; anal has never made me gasp in that particular way, and yet I find myself craving it from time to time (oh, listen to that, I sound like a character drawn up in a bad piece of erotica, "craving anal". Lol.). But honestly, I do. It's that sense of fullness, and, oddly enough, that sense of vaginal emptiness at the same time. The way I can slip into gayboy fantasies like I don't have a vagina at all, and that my clit is really a little cock. It's the way when the lube starts to dry up and the dildo/vibrator starts to stick just a little, pulling at my skin slightly, and that extra friction is just fantastic. Heck, it's just the change of pace.
And yet I hardly seem to ever do it, and I'll tell you why: it's a hassle.
When I get up the hankering to play around back, I feel like an old woman. I groan as I haul myself out of bed to go puttering around for some lube, because I don't keep any nearby; usually I get plenty wet enough vaginally to do whatever I want and not need extra lubrication. Then I've got to apply the darn stuff, and I haven't yet found a way to get it inside me without gloopy, gloppy fingers up to the knuckle, and greasy bedsheets from where I've wiped my hands off. Then I've got to lube the toy (more greasy finger smears) and work it in. Pity on me if I haven't put enough lube, or enough deep enough; then we go through the whole process again. And it literally kills me, because 1) it's so freaking messy, 2) it's time-consuming, and 3) if I want to penetrate myself vaginally, I usually don't have to be wet; I can work it in "dry" very quickly and then let myself get warmed up and wet as time progresses. Having to wait for insertion with anal makes me impatient. Then I finally get it in; we're feeling good. Now I run to go get my underwear, because the uncomfortable contortions required to grab a hold of the dildo/vibe just don't work for me. I like to masturbate on my back, legs spread. It's just me. And when I'm having a ball, the dildo's likely to slip out, which isn't a problem with vaginal- I just cram it back in- but with anal, means I have to stop, set down whatever masturbatory aid I'm using, twist to the side to grab it, work it back in. So the underwear come on, pulled up tight to provide a barrier to keep it in at least a little. Then it's back into bed to finally have my time alone. I do, and it's always good, particularly the moments when I've masturbated clitorally almost to the point of orgasm, then let off and literally hump the dildo, and that drives me over the edge. I always find it amazing. But then . . . I have to go do clean-up. With vaginal, the toy rarely needs much. I wipe off my cum easily and it dries away fast to nothing; with anal, the toy's lube is greasy and still there, requiring something to wipe it up. And my butt feels exactly the same way. Although after all sex I usually like to throw a tissue or two down there just to mop up some of the wetness, I can go about my day with a post-orgasm vagina. I cannot with a post-penetrated anus; it's too greasy and wet and drippy feeling to enjoy. So I necessarily must go to the bathroom to clean up shop, so to speak, which completely ruins one of my favorite acts: masturbating myself to sleep as a bedtime ritual. Even if I wanted to bear it out, anal play always makes me need to go to the bathroom anyways. And though it rarely happens to me- maybe 5% of the time- sometimes you've got a little bit of the anal sex-hazardous fecal matter there, meaning now you've got to go wash your hands, and the toy (note: I'm lazy and will probably suffer for it. You should always wash your toys after you use them, anal or not, fecal matter present or not). By the time I get back and am fully done with the experience, I'm happy, satisfied, but wondering "Really? Was it worth it?".
Who knows; maybe partnered anal sex will be better, when I can let my penetrator do all the prep work and just relax and wiggle my tush invitingly. As it is, anal sex exhausts me. So mostly this is a complaint to my butt. Why can't you be more like your sister, my vagina? Why can't you self-lubricate? Why do you have to be the odd one out, the black sheep of this thing we call my erotic body? You're making it really tough on me to give you any of the love we both know you deserve. Shape up, booty.
Anyways, props, gay boys, props. I apparently have neither the patience nor the initiative to do what's needed to freely take it up the tailpipe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
