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Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sex Toy Singalong
Another collection of songs, dedicated to all those inanimate objects we put near our nether parts. Enjoy, after the jump!
1) The most famous song of all! A great viral video and a supremely catchy song you'll be humming all over the place. And it's a PSA about how sex toys are for girls AND guys! Enjoy "The Dildo Song":
2) "Vibrator" by Motorhead. I think it's great that somebody finally wrote a song from a vibrator's first-person perspective. That story definitely needed to be told ;)
3) "My Wife's Vibrator" by Dos Gringos. Pretty funny and cute . . . and accurately depicts a lot of men's fears and feelings of inadequacy regarding their female partners' sex toys.
4) Desperatehousewife72 has a lovely little parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" with "Hey There Dildo". And the video's pretty adorable. It's what you do to me . . .
5) "Nipple Clamps" by a group of kids . . . bad quality, unfortunately, but I'm still digging it.
6) Once again, The Wet Spots win at life. "Texas Annie" is not only a catchy country tune about sex toys, but it's political as well. And be sure to watch this little intro to the song as well.
7) Even though the song in this is fairly short, I must include it because I think it totally rocks for a sex toy retailer to make such a cute video. Just for that, they totally get a link. Their "Sex Toy Satire" video is hilarious. I'd totally donate if I saw a telethon like this.
8) Another original, called "Anne, Where Is Your Sex Toy?". Not sure what exactly it's about (well, okay, it's about Anne and her sex toy), but I like it. I guess it's a fun way to break the tension when you stumble across anybody's sex toy- just sing it to them later until they laugh and you can get over the embarrassment.
9) Okay, so espwish's "Young Boys With Rubber Toys" kind of pushes things to extremes, what with the incest and all, but it's nice to hear about boys with toys!
10) "Anything Can Be A Dildo" is kind of stupidly funny. I hope it goes without saying that many things can't be a dildo- or not without harming ya. But props to them for, um, pushing you to be creative with your homemade sex toys?
1) The most famous song of all! A great viral video and a supremely catchy song you'll be humming all over the place. And it's a PSA about how sex toys are for girls AND guys! Enjoy "The Dildo Song":
2) "Vibrator" by Motorhead. I think it's great that somebody finally wrote a song from a vibrator's first-person perspective. That story definitely needed to be told ;)
3) "My Wife's Vibrator" by Dos Gringos. Pretty funny and cute . . . and accurately depicts a lot of men's fears and feelings of inadequacy regarding their female partners' sex toys.
4) Desperatehousewife72 has a lovely little parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" with "Hey There Dildo". And the video's pretty adorable. It's what you do to me . . .
5) "Nipple Clamps" by a group of kids . . . bad quality, unfortunately, but I'm still digging it.
6) Once again, The Wet Spots win at life. "Texas Annie" is not only a catchy country tune about sex toys, but it's political as well. And be sure to watch this little intro to the song as well.
7) Even though the song in this is fairly short, I must include it because I think it totally rocks for a sex toy retailer to make such a cute video. Just for that, they totally get a link. Their "Sex Toy Satire" video is hilarious. I'd totally donate if I saw a telethon like this.
8) Another original, called "Anne, Where Is Your Sex Toy?". Not sure what exactly it's about (well, okay, it's about Anne and her sex toy), but I like it. I guess it's a fun way to break the tension when you stumble across anybody's sex toy- just sing it to them later until they laugh and you can get over the embarrassment.
9) Okay, so espwish's "Young Boys With Rubber Toys" kind of pushes things to extremes, what with the incest and all, but it's nice to hear about boys with toys!
10) "Anything Can Be A Dildo" is kind of stupidly funny. I hope it goes without saying that many things can't be a dildo- or not without harming ya. But props to them for, um, pushing you to be creative with your homemade sex toys?
And, once again, Josefsberg and Gurner don't have enough videos on Youtube, but listen to their Myspace song "Blow Up Doll".
Yay, sex toys! Go to your favorite shop right now and sing an ode to your cashier- they deserve it!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Public Sex: Kinky, Taboo, and . . . Unethical?
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Sunday, September 28, 2008
Why Isn't There More Celebrity Lookalike Porn?
Yes, we are a society consumed by celebrity. Everybody knows their names. Even if you don't want to, and don't know how it happened, you know who cheated on her and who had the secret backyard wedding. And more than anything else, we love drooling over them.Seems like you can't click one link on the Internet without coming across a celebrity sex tape, which certainly sound titillating, but which have quite a few limitations: shoddy camerawork, a lack [probably] of sex acts you want to see, shoddy camerawork, the stars not exactly looking the way they do in those sexy magazine spreads you jerk off to, oh, and shoddy camerawork.
Unlike Japanese media, where a celebrity may appear in adult videos after having established a career in mainstream TV (see: Kaho Kasumi, for example), it just usually isn't happening in America. Sure, we are moving more towards the mainstream celebrity for porn stars, but the reverse- a well-known Hollywood starlet performing in professional porn- is almost unheard of.
Which makes me wonder- why isn't there more celebrity lookalike porn?
Undoubtedly, there are tons of people out there who either naturally resemble our beloved famous folks, or who, with the right makeup, hair, and outfits, can be fairly passable. Professional impersonators can do amazing work, of course, but I'm simply talking about folks who don't actually use their doppleganger-status as part of their day-to-day careers. How about the secretary who always gets compliments for looking like Britney Spears in the right light, who'd like a little extra cash, and isn't adverse to doing a porn scene?
Virtually everyone, I assume, has, at one point or another, Googled a particular celebrity and found paydirt in the form of images. And celebrities quite frequently bare almost all the goods, whether in 'classy' nearly-nude photo spreads (thanks, PETA!), or unintentional 'nip slips' and paparazzi-caught-me-changing snaps. Actual explicit celebrity photos are either of the ubiquitous sites dedicated to the head-photoshopped-onto-body kind (which quite unfairly rob said nude model and photographer of their copyright) or of the sexy, but rather too in-depth Pixl Porn variety (folks who don't understand would do well to read up on it here. Unfortunately, real nude celebrity lookalikes are rare gems in the sea of fake, photoshopped [and ultimately unsatisfying] images. But what about much-harder-to-manipulate [but very gratifying] video?
These scenes are out there, of course. I've seen some random clips of pretty convincing performances (including a dynamite Christina Aguilera blowjob) . . . that I can never find again. Stumbling upon this remarkable bondage scene with a dead-on Bruce Willis lookalike (just a tad less muscular than the real thing, but other than that, perfect!) brought these thoughts back to mind.
If a fantastic site like Sinful Comics, with its ultra-realistic animated renderings of celebrities, can be alluring, and if the Celebrities section of Literotica.com is bursting full of nearly 4,500 stories (many of which, surprisingly enough, are not of the "You'll never guess what happened the day I, an unsuspecting fan, met Jessica Alba" type), then why not real, flesh-and-blood babes and studs doing naughty things? And why not all collected together?
It must be the budding entrepreneur within me, but I can't think of a better idea than to a create a site dedicated to celebrity lookalikes (with, if able to purchase the rights, other sites' and companies' scenes featuring celebrity lookalikes). Imagine- a one-stop place to find all those faces that are familiar to you and for that reason quite taboo and hot. There you'd be able to take a glimpse into the fictionalized bedroom of Brad and Angelina lookalikes, to see Scarlett and Natalie resolve all that sexual tension. How much fun could be had doing gay scenes with the lookalikes of depressingly straight male celebrities (I mean, regular 'straight guy goes gay' porn is fantastically popular; imagine adding fame to the mix!)? We could all applaud watching "Simon Cowel" get buggered. Your fantasies could come to life, and you'd no longer have to wait, hoping for a grainy celebrity sex tape.
Am I alone in thinking this would sell like hotcakes?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Boys and G0ys
It seems like every four or five months or so somebody surfaces from out of nowhere to remind me of the "g0y" movement. It's something I'd rather forget, to be quite honest.
At first glance, it seems like nothing new. People keep on coming up with labels for their own particular gender and sexual orientational crossroads- it starts as lesbian, breaks down to butches, and we add in the sexual components to get butch tops, butch bottoms, heck, even stone butches. And that's just one example. While it can be a doozy to keep track of all these terms, I generally like the creativity associated with them, the way they help to foster growing communities and battle stereotypes (helping to open up dialogues about diversity), and how they provide individuals with proud identities. Yeah . . . I'm not one of those people arguing "Why do we need labels? Who cares who you love?". I like labels and burgeoning identities.
So I really ought to be thrilled to see a new subset of the gay male, the g0y (yes, that's a zero in the middle, not an "oh", and no, I don't know how to pronounce it), who proclaims proudly that he is masculine, loves masculine men, and he doesn't have anal sex.
Only, there's more to it than that, you see.
A closer look at the g0y philosophy shows they have a lot of, shall we say, interesting ideas about gender and sex, and they come not from a place of personal preferences, but rather from a lot of theorizing and way more explanation than the above definition ought warrant. I mean, why would someone need several webpages defending and vehemently not apologizing for their personal identity in long, meandering passages?
G0y's do not only dislike anal sex for themselves- they dislike it for anyone. People who practice buttsex are labelled "phreaks" and deviants, and the reason for the practice's popularity is likened to the massive campaigns of the tobacco industry, and its affiliation with homosexuality compared to the Nazi takeover of the peaceful Indian symbol (note to the g0y's: actually, the symbol of the swastika is actually reversed, not as is). Strong words, stronger images. And all about a little anal play? Seriously? Nobody's punk'ing me?
But of course, the condemnation of anal sex is integral to maintaining a Christian front. Manipulate scripture as you will- I'm no theologist and could care less. I've heard various sources say that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah had to do with a lack of hospitality, not gay sex. I've heard some say it was all about man-on-man action, but it don't really matter, because Jesus never said a thing about guys getting together. I've heard some very smart people (okay, well, that's my subjectivity showing through) say that the Bible is reflective of the time in which it was written, and the social mores of that era, hence it can't be taken literally (moreover, there are lots of other things we have changed- women speaking out in church, for example- that wasn't in as much contention as the whole gay issue). But g0y's twist to the Word is a literal one- it's the anal sex that'll getcha sent to hell. Man-on-man lovin' is good in the eyes of the Lord, but "laying with a man as one would a woman"- nuh-uh, mister.
Funny, isn't it? I guess it all depends on your goals. If you're a gay guy longing to be accepted by God, you can tell yourself that. If you're a straight couple longing for some anal sex, though, well, you can talk your way to that, too- like the hilarious parody site Sex In Christ goes to show.
The other tenet of g0ydom is the emphasis on masculinity. Oh no, your Paul Lynde's and Buddy Cole's aren't welcome here. God only knows how they handle watching Jack on "Will and Grace". Now, I've encountered a lot of femme phobia- gay men who are squicked by the mincing and prancing and generally fun part of getting to be gay (you know, if you're so inclined). Every time I hear a gay man complain about stereotypical gay portrayals in the media, I sympathize, but at the same time, I hear those echoes of anti-femme- for effeminate gay men do exist. Some equality in representation of macho men and queens would be nice, but you can't eliminate either completely, no matter how much you wish you weren't associated with them. Your discomfort, I've always maintained, might just be your own hangup. But not so, say the g0ys. If you aren't a virile manly man, you've been brainwashed by the gays- another "phreak" delighting in your gender deviancy.
So. Do g0ys have some good points? Of course they do- that's what draws people to it in the first place (well, besides using their homophobic stances to draw in gay men in denial with self-internalized hatred). They quite correctly acknolwedge that media portrayals of gay men (or, I suppose, for them, "men who love men") are stereotypical and often negative (or at least, have negative connotations in a world that devalues femininity). And they have a very right-on view towards Christian treatments of homosexuality (discrediting the ex-gay movement, for example). And yet, the whole thing sounds like a macho Christian guy's attempt to make his homosexuality palatable with his church and his macho buddies.
I wouldn't have a problem with g0ys if they were what they proposed to be- anal-disliking masculine guys who like guys. But they're much more than that- what amounts to a cult that believes itself morally superior by separating itself from and then belittling and demonizing homosexuality. The only thing that gives me some comfort is that I still have faith in the general intelligence of women. Don't let me down, lesbians. If I find out there's a new "leZbian" subculture of girls who don't eat pussy, there WILL be hell to pay, ya'll.
At first glance, it seems like nothing new. People keep on coming up with labels for their own particular gender and sexual orientational crossroads- it starts as lesbian, breaks down to butches, and we add in the sexual components to get butch tops, butch bottoms, heck, even stone butches. And that's just one example. While it can be a doozy to keep track of all these terms, I generally like the creativity associated with them, the way they help to foster growing communities and battle stereotypes (helping to open up dialogues about diversity), and how they provide individuals with proud identities. Yeah . . . I'm not one of those people arguing "Why do we need labels? Who cares who you love?". I like labels and burgeoning identities.
So I really ought to be thrilled to see a new subset of the gay male, the g0y (yes, that's a zero in the middle, not an "oh", and no, I don't know how to pronounce it), who proclaims proudly that he is masculine, loves masculine men, and he doesn't have anal sex.
Only, there's more to it than that, you see.
A closer look at the g0y philosophy shows they have a lot of, shall we say, interesting ideas about gender and sex, and they come not from a place of personal preferences, but rather from a lot of theorizing and way more explanation than the above definition ought warrant. I mean, why would someone need several webpages defending and vehemently not apologizing for their personal identity in long, meandering passages?
G0y's do not only dislike anal sex for themselves- they dislike it for anyone. People who practice buttsex are labelled "phreaks" and deviants, and the reason for the practice's popularity is likened to the massive campaigns of the tobacco industry, and its affiliation with homosexuality compared to the Nazi takeover of the peaceful Indian symbol (note to the g0y's: actually, the symbol of the swastika is actually reversed, not as is). Strong words, stronger images. And all about a little anal play? Seriously? Nobody's punk'ing me?
But of course, the condemnation of anal sex is integral to maintaining a Christian front. Manipulate scripture as you will- I'm no theologist and could care less. I've heard various sources say that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah had to do with a lack of hospitality, not gay sex. I've heard some say it was all about man-on-man action, but it don't really matter, because Jesus never said a thing about guys getting together. I've heard some very smart people (okay, well, that's my subjectivity showing through) say that the Bible is reflective of the time in which it was written, and the social mores of that era, hence it can't be taken literally (moreover, there are lots of other things we have changed- women speaking out in church, for example- that wasn't in as much contention as the whole gay issue). But g0y's twist to the Word is a literal one- it's the anal sex that'll getcha sent to hell. Man-on-man lovin' is good in the eyes of the Lord, but "laying with a man as one would a woman"- nuh-uh, mister.
Funny, isn't it? I guess it all depends on your goals. If you're a gay guy longing to be accepted by God, you can tell yourself that. If you're a straight couple longing for some anal sex, though, well, you can talk your way to that, too- like the hilarious parody site Sex In Christ goes to show.
The other tenet of g0ydom is the emphasis on masculinity. Oh no, your Paul Lynde's and Buddy Cole's aren't welcome here. God only knows how they handle watching Jack on "Will and Grace". Now, I've encountered a lot of femme phobia- gay men who are squicked by the mincing and prancing and generally fun part of getting to be gay (you know, if you're so inclined). Every time I hear a gay man complain about stereotypical gay portrayals in the media, I sympathize, but at the same time, I hear those echoes of anti-femme- for effeminate gay men do exist. Some equality in representation of macho men and queens would be nice, but you can't eliminate either completely, no matter how much you wish you weren't associated with them. Your discomfort, I've always maintained, might just be your own hangup. But not so, say the g0ys. If you aren't a virile manly man, you've been brainwashed by the gays- another "phreak" delighting in your gender deviancy.
So. Do g0ys have some good points? Of course they do- that's what draws people to it in the first place (well, besides using their homophobic stances to draw in gay men in denial with self-internalized hatred). They quite correctly acknolwedge that media portrayals of gay men (or, I suppose, for them, "men who love men") are stereotypical and often negative (or at least, have negative connotations in a world that devalues femininity). And they have a very right-on view towards Christian treatments of homosexuality (discrediting the ex-gay movement, for example). And yet, the whole thing sounds like a macho Christian guy's attempt to make his homosexuality palatable with his church and his macho buddies.
I wouldn't have a problem with g0ys if they were what they proposed to be- anal-disliking masculine guys who like guys. But they're much more than that- what amounts to a cult that believes itself morally superior by separating itself from and then belittling and demonizing homosexuality. The only thing that gives me some comfort is that I still have faith in the general intelligence of women. Don't let me down, lesbians. If I find out there's a new "leZbian" subculture of girls who don't eat pussy, there WILL be hell to pay, ya'll.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
She's a Dirty Girl: On Being Disgusting
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Real Comprehensive Sex Education
I'm getting pretty damn tired of reading about sex-related deaths in the news, especially when, in most cases, it's entirely preventable. And that's what makes it frightening. Even more frightening, however, might be the fact that I'm not talking about sexually transmitted diseases.
As the Center for Disesase Control releases new information that statistics on HIV and AIDS have been underreported and people get up in arms about bettering sex education- something I want very much- I nonetheless start to get a little ancy.
Undoubtedly, more education is always better. And yet I can't help but think that sex education reform- prompted by the CDC's report and these studies which have shown that abstinence-only education doesn't delay sex in teenagers- will change very much.
Yes, there will finally be correct statistics about birth control and more information on preventing the spread of disease. However, the only safety issues facing teenagers are not just these two. Why are we always talking about safe sex only in terms of STD's and pregnancy? People are getting injured- and in some cases even dying- because they are having unsafe sex. And more often than not, this unsafe sex features all the condoms and clean bills of sexual health and latex barriers you could ever want.
There are countless books, magazine articles, websites, and TV shows dedicated to the art of sex help, and the questions about having sex safely (or dealing with the consequences of unsafe sex after the fact) that appear therein are not just about STD's and pregnancy. As people everywhere are exposed to more and more types of kinky fun through TV, movies, and the Internet, they often attempt them with no thought to issues of safety. And that, unfortunately, is how people end up heartbroken, injured, dead, or in jail.
Let me throw up a list of nine potential dangers that are in dire need of discussion and information dissemination:
1) Anal sex. More and more people are doing it- men and women both. And given today's youth's reasoning that anal sex doesn't compromise one's virginity (a whole 'nother can of worms) and erroneous belief that it is 100% pregnancy-proof, it's often the go-to sex for those young and unwed. Nobody is discussing the various, very real dangers of anal sex: the risk of urinary tract infection in men from performing anal sex without a condom, cross-contamination and potential infections from using objects in the vagina that were previously in the anus, using popular numbing lubes to mask warning pain, tears in the anal lining that may become infected and lead to very painful and serious fistulas (particularly in women), and the very ubiquitous emergency room situation wherein something- sex toy or other foreign object- becomes lost in your lower intestine because it didn't have a flared base (or wasn't meant to go up there in the first place).
2) Breath play. While it might seem like an obscure branch of hardcore BDSM, more children and teens are dying than anyone could expect, as the "Choking Game" remains popular, yet is rarely discussed. Erotic asphyxiation often remains a very, very, very dangerous solitary masturbatory aid for many- many times fatal. And perhaps even more frightening for the BDSM practicioner who prides him/herself on safety, the greatest danger of this act is not actually strangulation- most people who die doing this die of a massive heart attack, usually 15 or 20 minutes after they’re done.
3) Porn addiction. Long gone are the days when a teenager's- or even an adult's- porn collection consisted of some occasionally-visited dirty magazines. The Internet's seductive pull means trillions of images and videos are right at your fingertips- a load of media so massive it can become almost confusing and very hard to handle in a reasonable way. More and more kids and teenagers complain of being addicted to porn, and whether it's a true and real psychological addiction or just worried concerns over their constant usage, it's an important issue . . . that nobody is talking about.
4) Pedophilia charges. And no, I'm not talking about overly-hyped "predator" scares that make parents run to block Myspace on their computers. Rather, with cell phone cameras, the glamorous idea of taping your own sex and taking sexual pictures, and the ease of sending such through the medium of the Internet, a big problem has arisen: older teens (16, 17) are taking pictures and video of themselves, provocative, naked, having sex, just like a million other consenting adults. Whether they keep them to themselves or share them with their boyfriends/girlfriends, they are very often unaware that possessing such erotic material is illegal and can get them branded a pedophile, something that can haunt them for the rest of their lives. How can something so potentially dangerous not be warned about?
5) Constriction. And once again, in the trend of Internet-related dangers, here comes that spam e-mail trumpeting that you can get a bigger penis. Combine that with constant cheesy but reputable-looking Enzyte commercials, and guys are (more) worried about their penis size- enough so to seek out penis pumps, to try jelqing, and to otherwise constrict their wangs. Unfortunately, this can lead to rupturing capillaries and blood vessels in the penis, and even internal hemorrhaging that might lead to impotence or Peyronie’s Disease- neither good things, and definitely not something you want happening from a simple wank!
6) BDSM/kink. It's become so mainstream that everybody seems to want to try it, even if it's only lightly tying up their lover and splashing some candle wax on them. Unfortunately, novices are the ones who are bound to make more mistakes- ones that can cause lots of injuries. Using wrong (and common household) materials to bind can end up causing nerve damage, circulation problems can come from positions and not moving enough, the aforementioned breath play can kill someone, and the candles we often have at home- something pink and scented from Bath & Body Works- burn infinitely hotter and blister skin due to their chemicals for color and scents. People who want more intense/extreme acts might go even more dangerous- with the very not-to-be-done-by-amateurs e-stim- and many times die because of it. And, as often comes when participating as the do-er in extreme BDSM acts, you run the risk of causing death . . . and as if that isn't enough, you will probably be convicted and sentenced for your part in it, however unintentional it was.
7) Dangerous masturbation. People love to masturbate, and they love to make it better, sexier, kinkier. Unfortunately, especially when they're underage, teens can't get the safe sex toys to do it. That's when they get the wacky idea to use some unconvential stuff . . . though not only youngsters are doing it. Trips to the emergency room and potential long-term damage (not to mention a ton of embarrassment) await the ill-informed, from sticking your penis into vacuum cleaners or pool water jets, it's going to be bad. And it's not just the boys- one doctor reported a young woman with an acute onset of abdominal pain, who was found to have extensive pneumoperitoneum (i.e. an air embolism), which came from some Jacuzzi jet stimulation. Fortunately, it only gave her some pain- air embolisms can be potentially fatal.
8) Poppers. Schools can't seem to get enough of telling kids to stay away from the drugs- especially ones with very small risks like marijuana. But somehow they seem to gloss over poppers, or amyl nitrate, so often used in the gay community and other progressive sexual communities. Considering how dangerous and degenerative their effects can truly be, I find it apalling.
9) Alternative lifestyles. And no, I'm not talking about the textbook "gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender" cliche. All over the place, kids are getting ideas about trying different arrangements, and yet there is little, if any, discussion about polyamory, something difficult even for the seasoned and informed. As more and more younguns come out and identify as bisexual, they are often confronted with the possibility of threesomes and polyamory, and it's truly complex. Why isn't such advice about handling emotions and fostering communication about this given alongside that for two-party relationships?
I look forward to sex education getting a little bit better, but I'd much rather overthrow the whole thing and start from scratch- Carol Queen and the Center for Sex & Culture sending out licensed sexologists to discuss not only those issues of STD's and pregnancy, but all of the ways that sex can be made safer.
As the Center for Disesase Control releases new information that statistics on HIV and AIDS have been underreported and people get up in arms about bettering sex education- something I want very much- I nonetheless start to get a little ancy.
Undoubtedly, more education is always better. And yet I can't help but think that sex education reform- prompted by the CDC's report and these studies which have shown that abstinence-only education doesn't delay sex in teenagers- will change very much.
Yes, there will finally be correct statistics about birth control and more information on preventing the spread of disease. However, the only safety issues facing teenagers are not just these two. Why are we always talking about safe sex only in terms of STD's and pregnancy? People are getting injured- and in some cases even dying- because they are having unsafe sex. And more often than not, this unsafe sex features all the condoms and clean bills of sexual health and latex barriers you could ever want.
There are countless books, magazine articles, websites, and TV shows dedicated to the art of sex help, and the questions about having sex safely (or dealing with the consequences of unsafe sex after the fact) that appear therein are not just about STD's and pregnancy. As people everywhere are exposed to more and more types of kinky fun through TV, movies, and the Internet, they often attempt them with no thought to issues of safety. And that, unfortunately, is how people end up heartbroken, injured, dead, or in jail.
Let me throw up a list of nine potential dangers that are in dire need of discussion and information dissemination:
1) Anal sex. More and more people are doing it- men and women both. And given today's youth's reasoning that anal sex doesn't compromise one's virginity (a whole 'nother can of worms) and erroneous belief that it is 100% pregnancy-proof, it's often the go-to sex for those young and unwed. Nobody is discussing the various, very real dangers of anal sex: the risk of urinary tract infection in men from performing anal sex without a condom, cross-contamination and potential infections from using objects in the vagina that were previously in the anus, using popular numbing lubes to mask warning pain, tears in the anal lining that may become infected and lead to very painful and serious fistulas (particularly in women), and the very ubiquitous emergency room situation wherein something- sex toy or other foreign object- becomes lost in your lower intestine because it didn't have a flared base (or wasn't meant to go up there in the first place).
2) Breath play. While it might seem like an obscure branch of hardcore BDSM, more children and teens are dying than anyone could expect, as the "Choking Game" remains popular, yet is rarely discussed. Erotic asphyxiation often remains a very, very, very dangerous solitary masturbatory aid for many- many times fatal. And perhaps even more frightening for the BDSM practicioner who prides him/herself on safety, the greatest danger of this act is not actually strangulation- most people who die doing this die of a massive heart attack, usually 15 or 20 minutes after they’re done.
3) Porn addiction. Long gone are the days when a teenager's- or even an adult's- porn collection consisted of some occasionally-visited dirty magazines. The Internet's seductive pull means trillions of images and videos are right at your fingertips- a load of media so massive it can become almost confusing and very hard to handle in a reasonable way. More and more kids and teenagers complain of being addicted to porn, and whether it's a true and real psychological addiction or just worried concerns over their constant usage, it's an important issue . . . that nobody is talking about.
4) Pedophilia charges. And no, I'm not talking about overly-hyped "predator" scares that make parents run to block Myspace on their computers. Rather, with cell phone cameras, the glamorous idea of taping your own sex and taking sexual pictures, and the ease of sending such through the medium of the Internet, a big problem has arisen: older teens (16, 17) are taking pictures and video of themselves, provocative, naked, having sex, just like a million other consenting adults. Whether they keep them to themselves or share them with their boyfriends/girlfriends, they are very often unaware that possessing such erotic material is illegal and can get them branded a pedophile, something that can haunt them for the rest of their lives. How can something so potentially dangerous not be warned about?
5) Constriction. And once again, in the trend of Internet-related dangers, here comes that spam e-mail trumpeting that you can get a bigger penis. Combine that with constant cheesy but reputable-looking Enzyte commercials, and guys are (more) worried about their penis size- enough so to seek out penis pumps, to try jelqing, and to otherwise constrict their wangs. Unfortunately, this can lead to rupturing capillaries and blood vessels in the penis, and even internal hemorrhaging that might lead to impotence or Peyronie’s Disease- neither good things, and definitely not something you want happening from a simple wank!
6) BDSM/kink. It's become so mainstream that everybody seems to want to try it, even if it's only lightly tying up their lover and splashing some candle wax on them. Unfortunately, novices are the ones who are bound to make more mistakes- ones that can cause lots of injuries. Using wrong (and common household) materials to bind can end up causing nerve damage, circulation problems can come from positions and not moving enough, the aforementioned breath play can kill someone, and the candles we often have at home- something pink and scented from Bath & Body Works- burn infinitely hotter and blister skin due to their chemicals for color and scents. People who want more intense/extreme acts might go even more dangerous- with the very not-to-be-done-by-amateurs e-stim- and many times die because of it. And, as often comes when participating as the do-er in extreme BDSM acts, you run the risk of causing death . . . and as if that isn't enough, you will probably be convicted and sentenced for your part in it, however unintentional it was.
7) Dangerous masturbation. People love to masturbate, and they love to make it better, sexier, kinkier. Unfortunately, especially when they're underage, teens can't get the safe sex toys to do it. That's when they get the wacky idea to use some unconvential stuff . . . though not only youngsters are doing it. Trips to the emergency room and potential long-term damage (not to mention a ton of embarrassment) await the ill-informed, from sticking your penis into vacuum cleaners or pool water jets, it's going to be bad. And it's not just the boys- one doctor reported a young woman with an acute onset of abdominal pain, who was found to have extensive pneumoperitoneum (i.e. an air embolism), which came from some Jacuzzi jet stimulation. Fortunately, it only gave her some pain- air embolisms can be potentially fatal.
8) Poppers. Schools can't seem to get enough of telling kids to stay away from the drugs- especially ones with very small risks like marijuana. But somehow they seem to gloss over poppers, or amyl nitrate, so often used in the gay community and other progressive sexual communities. Considering how dangerous and degenerative their effects can truly be, I find it apalling.
9) Alternative lifestyles. And no, I'm not talking about the textbook "gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender" cliche. All over the place, kids are getting ideas about trying different arrangements, and yet there is little, if any, discussion about polyamory, something difficult even for the seasoned and informed. As more and more younguns come out and identify as bisexual, they are often confronted with the possibility of threesomes and polyamory, and it's truly complex. Why isn't such advice about handling emotions and fostering communication about this given alongside that for two-party relationships?
I look forward to sex education getting a little bit better, but I'd much rather overthrow the whole thing and start from scratch- Carol Queen and the Center for Sex & Culture sending out licensed sexologists to discuss not only those issues of STD's and pregnancy, but all of the ways that sex can be made safer.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To Be Underage, Broke, and Horny
Turning 18 was a pretty great moment in my life.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!
3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!
Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Most Amazing Porn Intro I've Ever Seen
Honestly. I'll tell ya more in the link below.
I've been spending a little bit of time lately going through my old porn DVD's and getting reacquainted with them- re-familiarizing myself with the hotness I'd forgotten they had. I had popped in an old standby, "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians", which, despite its rather uncreative name, cheesy tagline ("Do not fuck with these dykes! They hate men! They want pussy!"), and its fishy, I-sense-exploitative-fake-lezzie-porn box cover, actually houses some very hot and real, if a little dated, butch lesbian dyke action.
But what really got me was seeing, again, the "Warning" section that came up before the actual video. Once I saw it, I instantly remembered how impressed I had been with it then, and I wanted to share it with you now. Here it is, reprinted in full, word-for-word:
Warning! Mojo Home Video manufactures videos for the sole purpose of adult fantasy entertainment and to better help sexually educate the public. The video you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of sexual relations designed solely for the purposes of adult fantasy entertainment and sex education. This video presents the ideas that sex and the expression of sexual conduct are very important parts of adult relationships. This video is meant to serve as a pictoral record of the different methods and expressions of sexual conduct. There are many different sexual problems and issues, especially when it comes to the idea of sexual expressions; this video has been manufactured to help provide a forum to open these ideas of expression and to open communication. Please be advised that the fictional sexual relationships found in this video do not always exhibit intimacy, sensitivity, communication, and other traits that are most important in real life adult relationsihps. The people in this video may or may not be engaging in safe sex. Regarless of that choice, we are very strong advocates of the practice of safe sex. We strongly encourage you to educate yourself regarding safe sex before engaging in sexual activity. You can find this information very easily online or at your local library. For more information about safe sex and intimacy, you can also email us. We are happy to help!
All this scrolled down at a slow and leisurely pace so you could read it, followed by the old, usual and required standard "All models filmed were 18 at the time blah blah blah". But I've simply never seen another porn video or company, no matter how conscientious, with a warning/introduction that was even half that.
Who is/was Mojo Video? I can't find much about them in my quick and dirty Google searches. They were also the producers/releasers of some other, shall we say, interesting titles, like "Bed Bug Bitches", "World's Biggest Whores", "Amber the Lesbian Queefer", and "Bitches and Hos". Were these videos also preceded by the same great intro as "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians"? Who was the mastermind who said "Let's write the truth about our porn for viewers, and do a little education while we're at it?"? Where have you gone, Mojo?
In today's day and age, I sometimes worry that with all the consumption of porn that either has misogynistic and/or degrading and violent undertones or outright messages (particularly if said porn is not BDSM-related), the impressionable youngsters of today's age are getting a message that this is what sex is really like. Heck, it can even be nice, tame, respectful porn, and I still worry, because it rarely shows any degree of reality in terms of real, average bodies, getting to sex, negotiating sex, safe sex usage, and especially real female pleasure and what women really orgasm from. And no matter how people may scoff, underage kids (and adults!) are curious and horny as hell, and lots of them turn to the only recourse they have- porn, free and copious on the Internet- to learn about anatomy, bodies, and sex. It's hardly even easy for some adults to remember that sex doesn't usually work the way it does in porn- pizza delivery boys do not get fucked in lieu of payment and you generally have to treat a woman a certain way (polite, with respect, taking your time) to get her to bed you. I can't remember where I read it, but I know there was a survey/research done that showed that porn consumers, when polled, believed that things like anal sex, facials, and BDSM were more prevalent in the real world than those who didn't consume porn. Obviously, no matter what we may tell ourselves, we can fall prey to the idea that what we're watching is real- particularly in Gonzo-style, breaking-the-fourth-wall, cameraman talking to the actors, type of stuff that makes it feel like it's in real time, uninterfered-with, and ultimately, like it's been documented, Nature Channel style.
I wonder . . . would it change if every porn video and website out there took just a moment to tell their viewers "Hey, this ain't real, it's just a fantasy we've produced for you, so enjoy, and remember that sex outside your TV screen or computer requires a totally different approach."? It certainly couldn't hurt, right?
That's my thought for today. I'd be thrilled if I popped in another DVD and found a similar statement. Sigh. One can hope, right?
I've been spending a little bit of time lately going through my old porn DVD's and getting reacquainted with them- re-familiarizing myself with the hotness I'd forgotten they had. I had popped in an old standby, "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians", which, despite its rather uncreative name, cheesy tagline ("Do not fuck with these dykes! They hate men! They want pussy!"), and its fishy, I-sense-exploitative-fake-lezzie-porn box cover, actually houses some very hot and real, if a little dated, butch lesbian dyke action.
But what really got me was seeing, again, the "Warning" section that came up before the actual video. Once I saw it, I instantly remembered how impressed I had been with it then, and I wanted to share it with you now. Here it is, reprinted in full, word-for-word:
Warning! Mojo Home Video manufactures videos for the sole purpose of adult fantasy entertainment and to better help sexually educate the public. The video you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of sexual relations designed solely for the purposes of adult fantasy entertainment and sex education. This video presents the ideas that sex and the expression of sexual conduct are very important parts of adult relationships. This video is meant to serve as a pictoral record of the different methods and expressions of sexual conduct. There are many different sexual problems and issues, especially when it comes to the idea of sexual expressions; this video has been manufactured to help provide a forum to open these ideas of expression and to open communication. Please be advised that the fictional sexual relationships found in this video do not always exhibit intimacy, sensitivity, communication, and other traits that are most important in real life adult relationsihps. The people in this video may or may not be engaging in safe sex. Regarless of that choice, we are very strong advocates of the practice of safe sex. We strongly encourage you to educate yourself regarding safe sex before engaging in sexual activity. You can find this information very easily online or at your local library. For more information about safe sex and intimacy, you can also email us. We are happy to help!
All this scrolled down at a slow and leisurely pace so you could read it, followed by the old, usual and required standard "All models filmed were 18 at the time blah blah blah". But I've simply never seen another porn video or company, no matter how conscientious, with a warning/introduction that was even half that.
Who is/was Mojo Video? I can't find much about them in my quick and dirty Google searches. They were also the producers/releasers of some other, shall we say, interesting titles, like "Bed Bug Bitches", "World's Biggest Whores", "Amber the Lesbian Queefer", and "Bitches and Hos". Were these videos also preceded by the same great intro as "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians"? Who was the mastermind who said "Let's write the truth about our porn for viewers, and do a little education while we're at it?"? Where have you gone, Mojo?
In today's day and age, I sometimes worry that with all the consumption of porn that either has misogynistic and/or degrading and violent undertones or outright messages (particularly if said porn is not BDSM-related), the impressionable youngsters of today's age are getting a message that this is what sex is really like. Heck, it can even be nice, tame, respectful porn, and I still worry, because it rarely shows any degree of reality in terms of real, average bodies, getting to sex, negotiating sex, safe sex usage, and especially real female pleasure and what women really orgasm from. And no matter how people may scoff, underage kids (and adults!) are curious and horny as hell, and lots of them turn to the only recourse they have- porn, free and copious on the Internet- to learn about anatomy, bodies, and sex. It's hardly even easy for some adults to remember that sex doesn't usually work the way it does in porn- pizza delivery boys do not get fucked in lieu of payment and you generally have to treat a woman a certain way (polite, with respect, taking your time) to get her to bed you. I can't remember where I read it, but I know there was a survey/research done that showed that porn consumers, when polled, believed that things like anal sex, facials, and BDSM were more prevalent in the real world than those who didn't consume porn. Obviously, no matter what we may tell ourselves, we can fall prey to the idea that what we're watching is real- particularly in Gonzo-style, breaking-the-fourth-wall, cameraman talking to the actors, type of stuff that makes it feel like it's in real time, uninterfered-with, and ultimately, like it's been documented, Nature Channel style.
I wonder . . . would it change if every porn video and website out there took just a moment to tell their viewers "Hey, this ain't real, it's just a fantasy we've produced for you, so enjoy, and remember that sex outside your TV screen or computer requires a totally different approach."? It certainly couldn't hurt, right?
That's my thought for today. I'd be thrilled if I popped in another DVD and found a similar statement. Sigh. One can hope, right?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Unfairly Villainized? (Or: My Most Controversial Blog Ever)
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Saturday, May 3, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Is It Any Wonder A Girl Turns To Vaginal Sex Instead?
I really like anal stimulation.In a world where the average non-porn female seems anal-phobic, inclined to squeal "But it hurts sooooo much!" and whine and generally act like it's the most perverted act that the whole of mankind ever invented . . . I like it.
I can't even quite describe why I like it. Anal penetration is definitely different than vaginal penetration; anal has never made me gasp in that particular way, and yet I find myself craving it from time to time (oh, listen to that, I sound like a character drawn up in a bad piece of erotica, "craving anal". Lol.). But honestly, I do. It's that sense of fullness, and, oddly enough, that sense of vaginal emptiness at the same time. The way I can slip into gayboy fantasies like I don't have a vagina at all, and that my clit is really a little cock. It's the way when the lube starts to dry up and the dildo/vibrator starts to stick just a little, pulling at my skin slightly, and that extra friction is just fantastic. Heck, it's just the change of pace.
And yet I hardly seem to ever do it, and I'll tell you why: it's a hassle.
When I get up the hankering to play around back, I feel like an old woman. I groan as I haul myself out of bed to go puttering around for some lube, because I don't keep any nearby; usually I get plenty wet enough vaginally to do whatever I want and not need extra lubrication. Then I've got to apply the darn stuff, and I haven't yet found a way to get it inside me without gloopy, gloppy fingers up to the knuckle, and greasy bedsheets from where I've wiped my hands off. Then I've got to lube the toy (more greasy finger smears) and work it in. Pity on me if I haven't put enough lube, or enough deep enough; then we go through the whole process again. And it literally kills me, because 1) it's so freaking messy, 2) it's time-consuming, and 3) if I want to penetrate myself vaginally, I usually don't have to be wet; I can work it in "dry" very quickly and then let myself get warmed up and wet as time progresses. Having to wait for insertion with anal makes me impatient. Then I finally get it in; we're feeling good. Now I run to go get my underwear, because the uncomfortable contortions required to grab a hold of the dildo/vibe just don't work for me. I like to masturbate on my back, legs spread. It's just me. And when I'm having a ball, the dildo's likely to slip out, which isn't a problem with vaginal- I just cram it back in- but with anal, means I have to stop, set down whatever masturbatory aid I'm using, twist to the side to grab it, work it back in. So the underwear come on, pulled up tight to provide a barrier to keep it in at least a little. Then it's back into bed to finally have my time alone. I do, and it's always good, particularly the moments when I've masturbated clitorally almost to the point of orgasm, then let off and literally hump the dildo, and that drives me over the edge. I always find it amazing. But then . . . I have to go do clean-up. With vaginal, the toy rarely needs much. I wipe off my cum easily and it dries away fast to nothing; with anal, the toy's lube is greasy and still there, requiring something to wipe it up. And my butt feels exactly the same way. Although after all sex I usually like to throw a tissue or two down there just to mop up some of the wetness, I can go about my day with a post-orgasm vagina. I cannot with a post-penetrated anus; it's too greasy and wet and drippy feeling to enjoy. So I necessarily must go to the bathroom to clean up shop, so to speak, which completely ruins one of my favorite acts: masturbating myself to sleep as a bedtime ritual. Even if I wanted to bear it out, anal play always makes me need to go to the bathroom anyways. And though it rarely happens to me- maybe 5% of the time- sometimes you've got a little bit of the anal sex-hazardous fecal matter there, meaning now you've got to go wash your hands, and the toy (note: I'm lazy and will probably suffer for it. You should always wash your toys after you use them, anal or not, fecal matter present or not). By the time I get back and am fully done with the experience, I'm happy, satisfied, but wondering "Really? Was it worth it?".
Who knows; maybe partnered anal sex will be better, when I can let my penetrator do all the prep work and just relax and wiggle my tush invitingly. As it is, anal sex exhausts me. So mostly this is a complaint to my butt. Why can't you be more like your sister, my vagina? Why can't you self-lubricate? Why do you have to be the odd one out, the black sheep of this thing we call my erotic body? You're making it really tough on me to give you any of the love we both know you deserve. Shape up, booty.
Anyways, props, gay boys, props. I apparently have neither the patience nor the initiative to do what's needed to freely take it up the tailpipe.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Transman Sex How-To's
Just in case you missed out on Trannywood Pictures' awesome safe sex for transmen guides (sold with their films, "Cubbyholes" and "Couch Surfers"), this guy has got you covered (and he's terribly cute and funny, to boot):
Yes, Youtube sex ed is pretty cool.
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