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Showing posts with label bad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad. Show all posts
Saturday, June 7, 2008
What Not To Watch, Er, I Mean, Wear
There are few things I hate, and even fewer that I hate with a passion.
Having said, that, I utterly hate the TV show "What Not To Wear". (For those not in the know, the show is about when "friends" and family volunteer or, perhaps better said, subject, the supposedly poor-dressed victim to a fashion analysis, recommendations, a makeover, and a $5,000 budget for new clothes, on the condition that everything in the old closet has to go).
My mother loves it with a passion. Every Friday night, I struggle for all of 30 seconds to stay for her sake, for that coveted mother-daughter bond. But I just can't. I have to literally, physically, haul my body from the room.
Why do I hate it so?
Maybe it's because fashion isn't exactly objective. What constitutes "fashionable" is largely based in the hands of those with the power to tell you that you look ridiculous or great. Fashion definitely isn't static- you're bound to get laughed at if you wear today something considered fashionable twenty years ago (or, in some social circles, just a month ago). And what's more, fashion is personal. Clothing is not just something you put on to hide, or more likely today, to give tantalizing teases of, your nakedness. Everything that somebody puts on is a choice and those choices include quite a bit more than just "I like this." or "This looks good.". In light of fashion's deeply personal nature, its subjectivity, and its ephemeralness, how can the show rightly counsel others?
Or maybe it's not even that which bugs me so. Maybe it's the show's very attitude. Instead of presenting itself as a helpful "Hey, maybe that's not so flattering for you, what about this?" type of show, one solving the true, un-arguable fashion faux pas of the world (socks with sandals, big, beautiful girls who hide their pretty and voluptuous shapes with jeans that give them the horror only known as "muffin top", etc.), they prey on their female victims like hungry vultures. Once they've finished picking the bones clean, they've finally arrived at their goal: a woman identical to a store mannequin- not only in dress, but in cardboard personality, too. And all with the biting, acidic sarcasm that is sure to turn a happy, bubbly, confident-in-her-own-clothes girl into a scared and beaten-down shell of herself, feeling so pathetic that she'll clamp onto any advice they give her. Hey, whatever gets you ratings, right?
These women do not come on the show voluntarily. They are not the ones who have issues with their clothing. But like most "fix it" solutions, the answer is not to treat the people who have the actual issues (those "friends" and family members who suggest the show's weekly stars)- it's to make the non-conformists fit in, lest we all have to deal with our own discomfort. I wouldn't have a single problem with the show if the gals came there saying "Hey, I know that I don't really have a good eye for fashion, and I think you do, could you give me a makeover and give me some pointers?". I probably still wouldn't find it very entertaining nighttime lineup television, but at least I wouldn't have so many hangups about it.
Everytime I hear the intro to the show, I am delighted by the "befores"- girls who relish their clothing and style choices, whether it's that one low-cut top that makes her feel sexy and confident but others tell her is too slutty, or that ratty old sweater she's had for decades that feels and smells like home and comfort, or the kind of baggy stuff she wears because it's comfortable and it hides the parts of her body she'd rather not put on display, or that one really weird print dress covered with monkeys that she keeps because it's fun and kooky and she likes how freewheeling she feels in it. It's not to say that I agree that these things are fashionable . . . oftentimes, they're utterly ridiculous or they just look plain bad. But they make these girls feel happy.
Or perhaps another pet peeve is the emphasis on femininity. As far as the show's hosts are considered, it is the goal of every woman to be the epitome of Woman, with a capital W. Time and time again, on maybe every other show, is the claim that so-and-so has lost (or more like, never had) her femininity. Without getting into a giant argument of what constitutes "femininity" (does it have to be a skirt and a floral print top?), I'm tired of women being told that if they don't emphasize their T&A that they're somehow hiding their "feminine assets". Pity the tomboy who gets plucked to be on the show- she doesn't have a chance. Any resistance is futile, because everything is countered with a rash of psychobabble analysis.
If you express discomfort in wearing snug, fitted clothes that hug your curves, you hate your body (and are forced to go through a self-love, look-at-yourself-in-the-mirror therapy session). If you don't want to give up your more revealing and snug outfits, you're a trailer trash slut. If you'd rather cover up those "feminine assets" or wear tomboyish or outright masculine clothing, you "aren't in touch with your sexy self". Disagree with the chosen outfits they've selected for you to try on? You must still be brainwashed into your old, incorrect style. And by God, if you think you ought be wearing clothing that pleases you, instead of pleasing others, well, you really are just beyond anybody's help, at that point.
I swear, I'm not anti-fashion. Heck, back in the day, I used to own a whole, stuffed-tight box full of those "girlie" magazines- Seventeen, Cosmo, you name it, and I remember pouring over them obsessively. Even though I was hardly a feminine girl and had about as much fashion sense as a rock (my daily junior high uniform: one of many identical neon-bright V-neck tank tops, a pair of denim shorts, and flat sandals), I loved flipping through the lovely pictures and reading up on this and that and oh, how lovely wouldn't it be if you paired them together? I still have that little fashionista inside of me. She (or is my inner fashion lover a totally queeny and well-dressed he?) doesn't dictate what I wear or buy, but she comes out to appreciate others' ensembles and she watches "Project Runway" religiously.
I guess I just come from a line of folks who had different ideas. Both of my grandmothers were admirable lasses- the one who adamantly hated bras and was apt not to wear them, and the other, who sewed up her own hats- outrageously loud and colorful printed material bunched into wacky shapes that almost never looked even halfway decent- and then wore them in public. I remember them fondly. There are more stories to the pictures of them than of my own mother, who will get a deserved nod and a "She always was a nice dresser." before moving on to frankly more interesting topics.Am I crazy because I don't want to pay $20 for a shirt that has somebody else's name on it- because I effectively don't want to become a walking advertisement without getting paid for it? Am I crazy because I'd rather spend an hour in a bookstore instead of at "Forever 21"? Am I fashion-unconscious because I choose function over form or because the things that I find beautiful might get described by others as "too much"? Does it make me certifiably mental to believe that there just might be more than one style or fashion that people can identify by?
I even wrote this story just to get rid of some of my frustrations over these types of shows.
All I can say is that if anybody- and I do mean anybody- tried to get me on this show, there'd be only one response: I'd look right in the camera, extend that arm and then that middle finger, and reply with a big grin: "Fuck you." And yes, I've warned everyone I know, and I'm warning you all now, too.
So go ahead, cringe when I walk by. I don't mind it, honestly, because I like whatever it is I choose to wear. Go ahead and give me some of your fashion advice. I might give you some advice, too- like to mind your own business.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Far From Harmless: Porn From The Other Side
Let's stop sugar-coating it- porn ain't always pretty. Take an in-depth look in link below.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a sex-positive, feminist porn enthusiast. I own a lot of porn, I watch it, I advocate it, I talk about it, I share it with others, I advertise it, I think about it, I make some of it, I research it, I read about it and poll others on what they think. Years into my foray into the world of erotica, I'm still deliciously porn-curious, still angered and inspired by the controversies, still seeking statistics on when, how, what, where, and why we watch porn, as well as deeper psychological analyses on how we process it and what drives us. Porn is my passion, and, if it weren't obvious (if it isn't obvious, please, go and get your hearing and vision checked, maybe a catscan, too), I'm also ridiculously pro-porn.
But I'm also open-minded. The definition of open-minded, just in case you were forgetting, is not 'tries all sorts of new things', 'does what others consider stupid/dangerous/unconventional', or anything of that sort- those are the kind of definitions that are often touted in response not to true close-mindedness, but rather an attitude or stance that is unpopular, conventional, old-fashioned. Being open-minded, instead, is about being open to various possibilities and about equally evaluating any and all information before making up one's mind.
And while I believe that Americans and a lot of the rest of the world have some serious issues about sex (of which I am, of course, not immune) that they unjustly let poison their thoughts, feelings, and opinions on all matters of a sexual sort, that does not mean that I can simply dismiss them as "sex-negative" or call them prudes and be done with it. That is not being open-minded in the least, though it may certainly be the easier route. Not facing tough- and oftentimes real and important- criticisms by dismissive name-calling may leave your theories and self-esteem intact, but often at the cost of not truly defending your position. Instead of opening up a positive discussion and exchange of ideas, it only fosters stereotyping and widens the chasms that first separated us in the first place.
So I want to talk about the bad parts of porn. They're certainly there, and anybody who comes forward to try and whitewash the industry, to make excuses for things that oughtn't be excused, and otherwise insist with a tight-lipped grin that porn is a universally positive experience for all involved is lying or in serious denial. On a whim before my flight to Japan, I picked up Pamela Paul's "Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families". I got it as a challenge- hah! I'll read this and rip this thing to shreds on my Amazon.com review! (this was pre-blog, people). It's good to get to know your enemy, I figured, and it certainly beats reading a trashy lesbian romance novel for 12 hours (okay, so I did that, too). And while the book infuriated me- I scribbled notes in the margins, I gasped and moaned and screeched at the book "You ridiculous woman, can't you see . . .", I came back to it later and re-read. And while none of my anger at her presentation and the conclusions she drew have disappated, I've looked back at some of the evidence and statistics she's presented and realized . . . she's right. So here goes:
Porn can be a wonderful thing. Porn can be educative, teaching watchers not only how to have sex in explicitly instructional videos, but also showing anatomy and how people generally have sex, as well as demonstrating different techniques and positions that can be used. Porn can give us a glimpse into worlds that we would otherwise have no way of experiencing: anybody who watches a type of porn that portrays sex they do not or cannot have is necessarily entering a foreign sexuality that would otherwise not be accessible, and I think that's something powerful- both educative and enlightening; it broadens our perceptions. Porn can be a powerful tool for rallying together a minority community and validating that identity as sexually attractive and worthy, as has been seen for bears (gay men, not the animals!), BBW and BHM communities, transpeople (just take a look at how FtM visibility has increased with Buck Angel getting some AVN limelight), and for so many others. Porn can allow us to safely explore desires without hurting ourselves or anyone else- while *certainly* not a guarantee of someone's sexuality, it can be an indicator and it's much better than "experimenting" with someone solely to see if you like that type of sex- why treat other human beings like sexual guinea pigs? Porn can help open up our sexual creativity and it can certainly help erase our inhibitions and shame and help us to grow as sexual beings. Porn can help us take out our sexual frustrations and is a nice companion with solo sex. It can spice up partnered sex. For the people who perform in porn, it can be equally positive: it can let them experience things they otherwise might not be able to (for example, using a fucking machine or having the best experts weilding electrostimulation tools on you so that you don't shock yourself to death), it can be a wonderful experience for exhibitionists, it can allow them to express their sexuality on film. And I'm probably forgetting a billion other ways in which porn can be positive and beautiful.
Now for the negative. I often think that porn is blamed for a lot of terrible, sad things that happened . . . but weren't actually the porn's fault. But I'm not going to go into that right now; this will be about the actual porn problems. Porn consumption can definitely negatively affect the viewer. Porn addiction is certainly a problem for many men and women, and its consequences can and have lead to failed marriages and have been the breaking point in relationships. People who watch porn too often may start to over-sexualize those around them, and not in a good way- becoming too focused on sexual aspects and evaluating people only on those terms. Likewise, someone who watches porn without understanding that it is a fantasy and [usually] not true to real-life sex practices can definitely get the wrong impression of what safe sex entails, how men and women and transpeople and whoever else get together (note: handymen and pizza delivery boys do not get it as often as you might think), how to treat a person, in particular a woman, the idea that women just cum in buckets when you give them absolutely no foreplay and then shove it in and out for half an hour, the idea that all men have 10" penises that can shoot a half a cup of semen 12' across the room after an hour of pounding sex. Porn can be somewhat desensitizing, and some people may want more and more so-called 'hardcore' porn to get the same reaction out of them. And for the people who work in porn, well, it can often be a bad environment, full of drugs, potentially dangerous situations, possible STD risks, and, depending on the studio in question, psychologically and emotionally damaging. There's a reason why there are so many pornstar autobiographies that don't have wonderful things to say about their line of work- because it often isn't a glamorous dream job, and there are horrible aspects to it. Porn has caused a lot of problems for a lot of people, and though I vehemently disagree, I can't say I don't sympathize with the wife who can't get her husband to have sex with her because he'd rather be online, or the young pornstar who was abused and mistreated in her scene- and not as something she had agreed to. This is the sort of thing that is evil, and instead of realizing that it's addiction and abuse that are bad things the world over, we see them in porn and scream "Porn is bad!".
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a sex-positive, feminist porn enthusiast. I own a lot of porn, I watch it, I advocate it, I talk about it, I share it with others, I advertise it, I think about it, I make some of it, I research it, I read about it and poll others on what they think. Years into my foray into the world of erotica, I'm still deliciously porn-curious, still angered and inspired by the controversies, still seeking statistics on when, how, what, where, and why we watch porn, as well as deeper psychological analyses on how we process it and what drives us. Porn is my passion, and, if it weren't obvious (if it isn't obvious, please, go and get your hearing and vision checked, maybe a catscan, too), I'm also ridiculously pro-porn.
But I'm also open-minded. The definition of open-minded, just in case you were forgetting, is not 'tries all sorts of new things', 'does what others consider stupid/dangerous/unconventional', or anything of that sort- those are the kind of definitions that are often touted in response not to true close-mindedness, but rather an attitude or stance that is unpopular, conventional, old-fashioned. Being open-minded, instead, is about being open to various possibilities and about equally evaluating any and all information before making up one's mind.
And while I believe that Americans and a lot of the rest of the world have some serious issues about sex (of which I am, of course, not immune) that they unjustly let poison their thoughts, feelings, and opinions on all matters of a sexual sort, that does not mean that I can simply dismiss them as "sex-negative" or call them prudes and be done with it. That is not being open-minded in the least, though it may certainly be the easier route. Not facing tough- and oftentimes real and important- criticisms by dismissive name-calling may leave your theories and self-esteem intact, but often at the cost of not truly defending your position. Instead of opening up a positive discussion and exchange of ideas, it only fosters stereotyping and widens the chasms that first separated us in the first place.
So I want to talk about the bad parts of porn. They're certainly there, and anybody who comes forward to try and whitewash the industry, to make excuses for things that oughtn't be excused, and otherwise insist with a tight-lipped grin that porn is a universally positive experience for all involved is lying or in serious denial. On a whim before my flight to Japan, I picked up Pamela Paul's "Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families". I got it as a challenge- hah! I'll read this and rip this thing to shreds on my Amazon.com review! (this was pre-blog, people). It's good to get to know your enemy, I figured, and it certainly beats reading a trashy lesbian romance novel for 12 hours (okay, so I did that, too). And while the book infuriated me- I scribbled notes in the margins, I gasped and moaned and screeched at the book "You ridiculous woman, can't you see . . .", I came back to it later and re-read. And while none of my anger at her presentation and the conclusions she drew have disappated, I've looked back at some of the evidence and statistics she's presented and realized . . . she's right. So here goes:
Porn can be a wonderful thing. Porn can be educative, teaching watchers not only how to have sex in explicitly instructional videos, but also showing anatomy and how people generally have sex, as well as demonstrating different techniques and positions that can be used. Porn can give us a glimpse into worlds that we would otherwise have no way of experiencing: anybody who watches a type of porn that portrays sex they do not or cannot have is necessarily entering a foreign sexuality that would otherwise not be accessible, and I think that's something powerful- both educative and enlightening; it broadens our perceptions. Porn can be a powerful tool for rallying together a minority community and validating that identity as sexually attractive and worthy, as has been seen for bears (gay men, not the animals!), BBW and BHM communities, transpeople (just take a look at how FtM visibility has increased with Buck Angel getting some AVN limelight), and for so many others. Porn can allow us to safely explore desires without hurting ourselves or anyone else- while *certainly* not a guarantee of someone's sexuality, it can be an indicator and it's much better than "experimenting" with someone solely to see if you like that type of sex- why treat other human beings like sexual guinea pigs? Porn can help open up our sexual creativity and it can certainly help erase our inhibitions and shame and help us to grow as sexual beings. Porn can help us take out our sexual frustrations and is a nice companion with solo sex. It can spice up partnered sex. For the people who perform in porn, it can be equally positive: it can let them experience things they otherwise might not be able to (for example, using a fucking machine or having the best experts weilding electrostimulation tools on you so that you don't shock yourself to death), it can be a wonderful experience for exhibitionists, it can allow them to express their sexuality on film. And I'm probably forgetting a billion other ways in which porn can be positive and beautiful.
Now for the negative. I often think that porn is blamed for a lot of terrible, sad things that happened . . . but weren't actually the porn's fault. But I'm not going to go into that right now; this will be about the actual porn problems. Porn consumption can definitely negatively affect the viewer. Porn addiction is certainly a problem for many men and women, and its consequences can and have lead to failed marriages and have been the breaking point in relationships. People who watch porn too often may start to over-sexualize those around them, and not in a good way- becoming too focused on sexual aspects and evaluating people only on those terms. Likewise, someone who watches porn without understanding that it is a fantasy and [usually] not true to real-life sex practices can definitely get the wrong impression of what safe sex entails, how men and women and transpeople and whoever else get together (note: handymen and pizza delivery boys do not get it as often as you might think), how to treat a person, in particular a woman, the idea that women just cum in buckets when you give them absolutely no foreplay and then shove it in and out for half an hour, the idea that all men have 10" penises that can shoot a half a cup of semen 12' across the room after an hour of pounding sex. Porn can be somewhat desensitizing, and some people may want more and more so-called 'hardcore' porn to get the same reaction out of them. And for the people who work in porn, well, it can often be a bad environment, full of drugs, potentially dangerous situations, possible STD risks, and, depending on the studio in question, psychologically and emotionally damaging. There's a reason why there are so many pornstar autobiographies that don't have wonderful things to say about their line of work- because it often isn't a glamorous dream job, and there are horrible aspects to it. Porn has caused a lot of problems for a lot of people, and though I vehemently disagree, I can't say I don't sympathize with the wife who can't get her husband to have sex with her because he'd rather be online, or the young pornstar who was abused and mistreated in her scene- and not as something she had agreed to. This is the sort of thing that is evil, and instead of realizing that it's addiction and abuse that are bad things the world over, we see them in porn and scream "Porn is bad!".
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