Sunday, April 27, 2008

Desperate: Longing To Be Feminine, Accepted

It happens so often that I simply have to blog about it: no sooner do I say that I enjoy cross-dressing men and find them sexy and empowering in their gender transgression than all of the sudden I am flooded with e-mails and messages and comments from many, many CD men. Normally I'd be thrilled to have responses from these sexy guys/gals, but there's always something about them that gets under my skin and irks me: They're just so desperate.

And yes, I know it's bad and I feel bad for it. But click below to read a little bit of my explanation.

Sometimes their desperation is outright, other times it lingers between the lines, invariably staining the entire message, however positive and sweet it happens to be. And I don't want to feel this way towards their messages, I really don't. But at the same time, I feel claustrophobic, mobbed . . . they're just so intense, I think. It's that intensity that frightens me, because when these individuals write, they are literally pouring out all of their hopes and fears to me. They bare their souls, make themselves vulnerable as they open up. They're looking for validation from me because so many other women have turned them down, called them freaks, and otherwise belittled their still-fragile, emerging feminine selves. It's a cloying neediness that suffocates me; they come on me too strong, too fast. It's a lot of pressure, and I'm disappointed in myself that I buckle under that pressure. I don't respond to their eager messages. I just can't.

I've never received similar responses from anyone other sexual minority; not gay men, not lesbians, not bisexuals, not FtM transguys, not MtF transgirls, not BDSM afficionados, no one. I don't rightly know what makes cross-dressing men react this way, and more importantly, I don't know what makes me react in my way. I do like crossdressing men, don't I? I find the juxtaposition of their masculinity and femininity arousing; I find their gender transgression taboo and erotic, and I find them to be on some level sacred and beautiful in their strength to do something that society so shuns and degrades. Finding power and satisfaction in femininity is empowering, be you male or female. So why do I feel like running in the other direction when these dream boys contact me?

These are just some of the messages I've gotten. As you'll see, the guys are kind, nice, polite, exuberant. I can't find fault with them, and yet my own mental blocks remain. I hope to one day get past them.

Subject: Now that's HOT!
Message: I just read your answer to my question about favorite fetishes that you have. WOW, like I was too embarrassed to mention that I have a growing fetish for role playing as a woman. I have a high feminine side and haven't found anyone at all that's interested in guys that have no inhabitions towards dressing and acting like a female. I really hope that we can chat and share ideas.Your friend,Chase

Subject: I read your reply to a fellow Tg looking for females that understand her.
Message: I have met other genetic fermales that saw me as the perfect sex mate. I have the mind of a woman. And the equip. of a man. She said I had the best of both worlds. I said to her that it's a living heck instead.She is married w/ three kids. My morals kept us apart.I don't know why but I felt that I should stop to say hey and tell you what I did. I didn't mean any harm. But somehow you put a smile on my face with your reply of accepting TG m to f's.I've had sex with both sexes and I still prefer women hands down. Men are just to rough for me. They get so rammy all of the time. I find women to be more sensual. The sex seems to flow so much more smoothly. I like it best when the sex last half of the night and sometimes into the morning. Plus women don't have a beard that scratches you and women don't snore either. That is so annoying. Please feel free to email me if you like. I so love to talk. Josie.

Subject: Re your response to my question
Message: Hi GwenI'd like to get to know a woman who really wants to understand a guy who loves his fem side. You will understand me being cautious in speaking to someone about my cross dressing.....please tell me a bit more about u.Regards paul(a)

Subject: Hello
Message: Hi Gwen,I hope it's ok that I email you. I have read some of your posts about dressing men as women, and I wanted to say hello. I'm a hetero guy who fantasizes ALL THE TIME about what it might be like to dress as a woman. If you're interested in chatting, I'd love to talk to you about it. I'm very "normal and conservative" in real life - this is definitely a secret of mine.I hope this email finds you well.David

Subject: Thanks for being so open minded about crossdressing guys!
Message: Hi,I just wanted to say I really like that you are so open minded about crossdressers. It gives guys like me hope that there are actually females out there who might be accepting that we like to dress a little feminine every now and then.Thanks again! I can see why you are a top contributor. :)Alan

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