Posts
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Two Roads
Deep personal revelations- or rather, confusion- after the jump.
I’m at a little bit of a loss. By December, assuming that I don’t punk out and fail all of my classes (which, considering my levels of procrastination lately, isn’t all that much of a stretch), I will be graduated with a B.A. in Linguistics. I will have spent four years (plus one pesky extra semester) in college, will have spent God knows how much of my parents’ money, and . . . may have nothing to show for it.
Don’t get me wrong; I love linguistics. Language has always captivated me. I know that I like it because I can go on and on about how English doesn’t have any voiced stops, not really- can you believe it?- and other people try to politely change the subject. Despite my hatred of most sciences (I loved the math behind chemistry and the cool explanations of biology but detested the requisite experimentation in each), I found an academic branch that adheres to the scientific method but doesn’t require peering through microscopes. I even managed to allay my parents’ fears and find the sub-branch that would give me a steady job (i.e. teaching). I’ve gotten just a little bit (not enough) over my intense nervousness when speaking in front of large groups, and heck, I think I could manage to teach and grow pretty good at it. I have lots of ideas, and, in honor of delusions of grandeur, I still fantasize about publishing some field-altering research on second language acquisition, becoming an acknowledged expert who can teach the bigwigs in Washington about what sort of education would best suit the bilingual children of our nation, or even going so far as to open and run my own language school, implementing my highly individualized and principled methodology to great renown.
I should be happy.
And yet, there’s something tugging at me. I’ve struggled this semester to keep up with my schoolwork, not because of my general laziness and procrastination (well, okay, that, too), but because I’m busier writing blogs, consuming and producing erotic content of various types, and generally keeping up on the online world of sex, sexuality, porn, the queer movement, and so on and so on. If I had to list my passions, so-called ‘sexology’ would come out leaps and bounds ahead of linguistics. I obviously give it priority in my life; it excites me intellectually and brings out a fiery passion you just can’t get when debating whether we really do have Chomsky’s language acquisition devices in our brains. I’ve always wanted to change the world, to make an impact, to have some weight and sway. I still long to publish a book, to see it on library shelves and know that people are reading it and my ever-opinionated thoughts are being disseminated for discussion and contemplation. I want a sexy advice column. I want to review sex toys. I want to write professional erotica. I want to help make queer porn, the kind of porn I want to see. I want to open sexuality centers. I want to lobby and protest and march for gay rights. I want to subvert the system. I want to influence public policy about sex education. I want to help make sex work safe. I want to do so much. I just don’t know if doing it on the side would be satisfying enough. Aren’t there some sort of unspoken rules about teachers not doing such controversial things? (Not that I want to shy away from controversy, but I do tend to like keeping a job).
It’s interesting . . . my best friend and I are both graduating, and our struggles in regards to the future eerily mirror one another’s. We went to school together, and she now has a completed B.A. in deaf education, something she has decided she doesn’t want to do (much to her mother’s horror). Much in the same way that I quietly went from a naïve little freshman who barely knew she was queer (much less about the big world of porn and sex radicalism) to the person I am today, she was undergoing her own transformation, from a naïve little freshman whose church work was mainly self-contained to a sophisticated, globally-thinking urban minister and missionary, fighting on the fronts of social/racial justice, poverty, and environmentalism. Her dedication, her passion, and her zeal continue to amaze me- and inspire me. I used to feel less important in my own passions, as if what I was doing/feeling couldn’t be as important as hers. I’ve since gained a lot more confidence and, no doubt due to our fascinating discussions and the help of the very provocative book “That’s Revolting!”, learned the intersections where the two meet (even if we would take different paths to try to better the life of a prostitute- me fighting for rights and decriminalization, she for proselytizing them out of the trade). But where she and I differ is in her utter devotion. She wants to throw herself into the work, regardless of condemnation from her friends and family or any care to money. Maybe I’m greedy, and maybe I care too much what others think (although I’ll argue it’s a lot harder selling “sex work advocacy” than “urban ministry” to your family), but I want some steadiness in my life, some financial guarantees. And what with any sex/porn-advocacy job at the very least usually freelance and, in today’s economy, perhaps nonexistent, I just don’t know that I could throw myself full-heartedly into it, confident I could wring a salary and a life from it.
I take a little solace in knowing that I have time. There’s still either a Masters or a teaching credential waiting before I can legally assume the title of ‘professor’. I’m trying for the JET Program for next year- a program that, if I get accepted, will send me back to that crazy beautiful land of Japan to do some hands-on teaching. I’ve justified it as a good way to save up money for grad school, to expand my resume (look, I taught abroad!), to make sure this is what I want to do. But I know my own real reason: I’m running away. I’m buying myself time. It’s what I’ve done over and over again. I’ve had people express surprise that such a quiet, introverted little thing like myself would go abroad. It used to surprise even me, but I’ve thought about it, and I think I like it so because my choices are made for me. I know who I am in Japan- I am the gaijin, the foreigner, absolved of any responsibility as I play out the cultural script set out for me and fulfill the expectations. My family and old friends are far away, and I can craft a new identity for myself. When I think about perhaps settling there, I feel an almost sense of relief, regardless of what I’d be doing. When I imagine the rest of my life in America, my anxieties increase tenfold. My best friend also wants to go somewhere else- maybe to Oklahoma with her estranged father, or Chicago, for the amazing urban ministry work they’re doing there. I’m not saying that Fresno/the Central Valley is at all alluring for us to stay, but I feel the same desperation, that same “If I move myself from here bodily, maybe it will take me where I want to be emotionally.” I can’t tell if it’s a good strategy or one of avoidance.
What a long, strange, meandering blog. Again, as always, I just don’t have the answers. Four years ago, it would have been inconceivable to imagine me trying to choose between teaching English or educating sexuality. It still feels impossible. But I know where my heart wants to go. Can I follow it?
Comments- at least the encouraging kind- are welcome.
I’m at a little bit of a loss. By December, assuming that I don’t punk out and fail all of my classes (which, considering my levels of procrastination lately, isn’t all that much of a stretch), I will be graduated with a B.A. in Linguistics. I will have spent four years (plus one pesky extra semester) in college, will have spent God knows how much of my parents’ money, and . . . may have nothing to show for it.
Don’t get me wrong; I love linguistics. Language has always captivated me. I know that I like it because I can go on and on about how English doesn’t have any voiced stops, not really- can you believe it?- and other people try to politely change the subject. Despite my hatred of most sciences (I loved the math behind chemistry and the cool explanations of biology but detested the requisite experimentation in each), I found an academic branch that adheres to the scientific method but doesn’t require peering through microscopes. I even managed to allay my parents’ fears and find the sub-branch that would give me a steady job (i.e. teaching). I’ve gotten just a little bit (not enough) over my intense nervousness when speaking in front of large groups, and heck, I think I could manage to teach and grow pretty good at it. I have lots of ideas, and, in honor of delusions of grandeur, I still fantasize about publishing some field-altering research on second language acquisition, becoming an acknowledged expert who can teach the bigwigs in Washington about what sort of education would best suit the bilingual children of our nation, or even going so far as to open and run my own language school, implementing my highly individualized and principled methodology to great renown.
I should be happy.
And yet, there’s something tugging at me. I’ve struggled this semester to keep up with my schoolwork, not because of my general laziness and procrastination (well, okay, that, too), but because I’m busier writing blogs, consuming and producing erotic content of various types, and generally keeping up on the online world of sex, sexuality, porn, the queer movement, and so on and so on. If I had to list my passions, so-called ‘sexology’ would come out leaps and bounds ahead of linguistics. I obviously give it priority in my life; it excites me intellectually and brings out a fiery passion you just can’t get when debating whether we really do have Chomsky’s language acquisition devices in our brains. I’ve always wanted to change the world, to make an impact, to have some weight and sway. I still long to publish a book, to see it on library shelves and know that people are reading it and my ever-opinionated thoughts are being disseminated for discussion and contemplation. I want a sexy advice column. I want to review sex toys. I want to write professional erotica. I want to help make queer porn, the kind of porn I want to see. I want to open sexuality centers. I want to lobby and protest and march for gay rights. I want to subvert the system. I want to influence public policy about sex education. I want to help make sex work safe. I want to do so much. I just don’t know if doing it on the side would be satisfying enough. Aren’t there some sort of unspoken rules about teachers not doing such controversial things? (Not that I want to shy away from controversy, but I do tend to like keeping a job).
It’s interesting . . . my best friend and I are both graduating, and our struggles in regards to the future eerily mirror one another’s. We went to school together, and she now has a completed B.A. in deaf education, something she has decided she doesn’t want to do (much to her mother’s horror). Much in the same way that I quietly went from a naïve little freshman who barely knew she was queer (much less about the big world of porn and sex radicalism) to the person I am today, she was undergoing her own transformation, from a naïve little freshman whose church work was mainly self-contained to a sophisticated, globally-thinking urban minister and missionary, fighting on the fronts of social/racial justice, poverty, and environmentalism. Her dedication, her passion, and her zeal continue to amaze me- and inspire me. I used to feel less important in my own passions, as if what I was doing/feeling couldn’t be as important as hers. I’ve since gained a lot more confidence and, no doubt due to our fascinating discussions and the help of the very provocative book “That’s Revolting!”, learned the intersections where the two meet (even if we would take different paths to try to better the life of a prostitute- me fighting for rights and decriminalization, she for proselytizing them out of the trade). But where she and I differ is in her utter devotion. She wants to throw herself into the work, regardless of condemnation from her friends and family or any care to money. Maybe I’m greedy, and maybe I care too much what others think (although I’ll argue it’s a lot harder selling “sex work advocacy” than “urban ministry” to your family), but I want some steadiness in my life, some financial guarantees. And what with any sex/porn-advocacy job at the very least usually freelance and, in today’s economy, perhaps nonexistent, I just don’t know that I could throw myself full-heartedly into it, confident I could wring a salary and a life from it.
I take a little solace in knowing that I have time. There’s still either a Masters or a teaching credential waiting before I can legally assume the title of ‘professor’. I’m trying for the JET Program for next year- a program that, if I get accepted, will send me back to that crazy beautiful land of Japan to do some hands-on teaching. I’ve justified it as a good way to save up money for grad school, to expand my resume (look, I taught abroad!), to make sure this is what I want to do. But I know my own real reason: I’m running away. I’m buying myself time. It’s what I’ve done over and over again. I’ve had people express surprise that such a quiet, introverted little thing like myself would go abroad. It used to surprise even me, but I’ve thought about it, and I think I like it so because my choices are made for me. I know who I am in Japan- I am the gaijin, the foreigner, absolved of any responsibility as I play out the cultural script set out for me and fulfill the expectations. My family and old friends are far away, and I can craft a new identity for myself. When I think about perhaps settling there, I feel an almost sense of relief, regardless of what I’d be doing. When I imagine the rest of my life in America, my anxieties increase tenfold. My best friend also wants to go somewhere else- maybe to Oklahoma with her estranged father, or Chicago, for the amazing urban ministry work they’re doing there. I’m not saying that Fresno/the Central Valley is at all alluring for us to stay, but I feel the same desperation, that same “If I move myself from here bodily, maybe it will take me where I want to be emotionally.” I can’t tell if it’s a good strategy or one of avoidance.
What a long, strange, meandering blog. Again, as always, I just don’t have the answers. Four years ago, it would have been inconceivable to imagine me trying to choose between teaching English or educating sexuality. It still feels impossible. But I know where my heart wants to go. Can I follow it?
Comments- at least the encouraging kind- are welcome.
Link Love (a.k.a. People Read My Blog?!?!?)
Aaaack! Despite my beliefs to the contrary, people are reading my blog (thanks in large part, I suspect, to the stupendous Jiz Lee putting me graciously on the blogroll. And it's thrilling . . . and frightening. It's just much easier to write when you think you have no audience (except for the odd commenter here and there). I got a little shocking taste of it when someone on Fetlife messaged me about my blog out of the blue. And I'm sure that's only the tip of the iceburg. So, yikes, I have readers. Note to self: must write about interesting things. Must not post any more crap.
I'm acknowledging this fact today because the aforementioned porn goddess (god? . . . okay, just supreme deity) Jiz nominated me in the blogosphere-sweeping "I Love Your Blog" award. As one out of seven (including such legendary blogs as Violet Blue's Tiny Nibbles), I can't help but protest "No!" and bow down in Wayne's World "I'm not worthy!" style. But I'm gonna try and accept the love without question. And even though I think I may have already done something like this, in the spirit of the award, I shall of course dish out my own love. (As Jiz titles her blog, "love begets love"). Sidenote: I'm eternally curious, so I tried to follow the chain of love. I got about six blogs deep before giving up, but you're welcome to follow the thread: Lil Bit nominated Shay, who nominated Radha, who nominated The Jaded Hippie, who nominated Essin' Em, who nominated Jiz Lee, who nominated lil' ol' me.
Or you could just go to the source. Unless I'm mistaken (and it happens more often than I would like to admit), The "I Love Your Blog" award began, it would seem, this August, from a sweet chick named Heather on the blog Fireflydreams, which rather surprised me; even though there's no specifications on the type of blog, I'd only seen in on sex/queer related ones, and Fireflydream's designation is "a single parent with a passion for crafts", with nary a homemade sex toy or even a penis warmer tutorial. Pretty awesome how sex blogs became part of this- only more great evidence that "we" (who are "we", anyways?) aren't a closed-off, self-contained group of perverts :)
So, for my readers and those bloggers I nominate who want to give it their own turn, here’s how it works (as with all awards, there are certain rules to follow):
1. Link to the giver. (done, above- go and read Jiz's blog, dammit!)
2. Nominate up to seven other fabulous blogs and link to them. (done below)
3. Leave messages announcing their rise to greatness. (will be doing so!)
**Note - You may have been given this already, so that means you are a GREAT blogger.
Without further ado:
Pro-Porn Activism- Renegade (and other assorted fantastic folks), I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I've looked elsewhere and have yet to find a blog so dedicated to bringing to attention the movements of the anti-porn folks and the opportunities to help, support, and promote porn. You never let a thing slip through the cracks, and your intelligent analyses, calm responses to criticsm, and righteous anger never fail to inspire me.
Sexual Intelligence- Marty, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! How is it that you're not linked on every sex-related blog everywhere? Your posts are succint and to the point and always hit the nail on the head. I feel incredibly relieved that you're in our courts patiently explaining to judges that sex and porn aren't deviant criminal activities. (Oh, and you should read his book, too, my dear readers).
World Sex News Daily- World Sex News, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Seems like every other blog regurgitates what you offer in one condensed spot. Thank you for keeping me up-to-date on sex headlines everywhere- I sound that much more intelligent and well-read when I talk about the subject, thanks to you.
Boinkology- Lux and others, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You guys manage to post some of the more interesting stuff out there, and every time I think I can get my fill of sex blogging from somewhere else, I find another new link to you and realize we are star-crossed lovers- I must always come back to you.
Bisexuality and Beyond- Sue, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You have the awesomest, no-nonsense take on bisexuality- which is to say, we get out of the way of all the basics and start the real discussions. Thanks for bringing a real bi perspective to an area littered with porn and coming out stories.
Julia Seranos Blog-Born-Blog- Julia, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You write at a level that makes other blogs look like losers, and you do it consistently and on the trans and feminist issues I wouldn't know about otherwise. And you won me over just by your description of the blog-born blog.
Capitalism Magazine- Capmag, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Every time I think I understand all the angles of a political discussion, I read you and my horizons are shattered as you come at it from a completely new but totally logical direction. I only wish you talked about porn and sex, too.
Whew, that was hard. I don't like singling out people when there are so many good folks, but that was my attempt. Go, give them love! Visit the sites! And then send out your own I Love Your Blog award.
I'm acknowledging this fact today because the aforementioned porn goddess (god? . . . okay, just supreme deity) Jiz nominated me in the blogosphere-sweeping "I Love Your Blog" award. As one out of seven (including such legendary blogs as Violet Blue's Tiny Nibbles), I can't help but protest "No!" and bow down in Wayne's World "I'm not worthy!" style. But I'm gonna try and accept the love without question. And even though I think I may have already done something like this, in the spirit of the award, I shall of course dish out my own love. (As Jiz titles her blog, "love begets love"). Sidenote: I'm eternally curious, so I tried to follow the chain of love. I got about six blogs deep before giving up, but you're welcome to follow the thread: Lil Bit nominated Shay, who nominated Radha, who nominated The Jaded Hippie, who nominated Essin' Em, who nominated Jiz Lee, who nominated lil' ol' me.
Or you could just go to the source. Unless I'm mistaken (and it happens more often than I would like to admit), The "I Love Your Blog" award began, it would seem, this August, from a sweet chick named Heather on the blog Fireflydreams, which rather surprised me; even though there's no specifications on the type of blog, I'd only seen in on sex/queer related ones, and Fireflydream's designation is "a single parent with a passion for crafts", with nary a homemade sex toy or even a penis warmer tutorial. Pretty awesome how sex blogs became part of this- only more great evidence that "we" (who are "we", anyways?) aren't a closed-off, self-contained group of perverts :)
So, for my readers and those bloggers I nominate who want to give it their own turn, here’s how it works (as with all awards, there are certain rules to follow):
1. Link to the giver. (done, above- go and read Jiz's blog, dammit!)
2. Nominate up to seven other fabulous blogs and link to them. (done below)
3. Leave messages announcing their rise to greatness. (will be doing so!)
**Note - You may have been given this already, so that means you are a GREAT blogger.
Without further ado:
Pro-Porn Activism- Renegade (and other assorted fantastic folks), I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I've looked elsewhere and have yet to find a blog so dedicated to bringing to attention the movements of the anti-porn folks and the opportunities to help, support, and promote porn. You never let a thing slip through the cracks, and your intelligent analyses, calm responses to criticsm, and righteous anger never fail to inspire me.
Sexual Intelligence- Marty, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! How is it that you're not linked on every sex-related blog everywhere? Your posts are succint and to the point and always hit the nail on the head. I feel incredibly relieved that you're in our courts patiently explaining to judges that sex and porn aren't deviant criminal activities. (Oh, and you should read his book, too, my dear readers).
World Sex News Daily- World Sex News, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Seems like every other blog regurgitates what you offer in one condensed spot. Thank you for keeping me up-to-date on sex headlines everywhere- I sound that much more intelligent and well-read when I talk about the subject, thanks to you.
Boinkology- Lux and others, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You guys manage to post some of the more interesting stuff out there, and every time I think I can get my fill of sex blogging from somewhere else, I find another new link to you and realize we are star-crossed lovers- I must always come back to you.
Bisexuality and Beyond- Sue, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You have the awesomest, no-nonsense take on bisexuality- which is to say, we get out of the way of all the basics and start the real discussions. Thanks for bringing a real bi perspective to an area littered with porn and coming out stories.
Julia Seranos Blog-Born-Blog- Julia, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You write at a level that makes other blogs look like losers, and you do it consistently and on the trans and feminist issues I wouldn't know about otherwise. And you won me over just by your description of the blog-born blog.
Capitalism Magazine- Capmag, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Every time I think I understand all the angles of a political discussion, I read you and my horizons are shattered as you come at it from a completely new but totally logical direction. I only wish you talked about porn and sex, too.
Whew, that was hard. I don't like singling out people when there are so many good folks, but that was my attempt. Go, give them love! Visit the sites! And then send out your own I Love Your Blog award.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Champion, Ya'll
Just in case you might have forgotten about it, Pink & White's mixed-martial-arts boxing real dyke porno is still trucking along towards its eventual 2009 debut (sigh . . . it seems so far away!). But nevertheless, a PG-13 trailer has surfaced, and some pictures! Just to keep you hungry for next year's main course :)
The pics are tasty, but only the trailer can satisfy your need for the fighting, the movement, the action, and . . . the DRAMA! Lol. I love the lightning-fast editing at the end.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Girls Gone Wild, Dyke Style
Isn't it about time we updated the BurLEZk Live movies? The movies (the original and its sequel) contained stripteases, performance art, and other erotic burlesque at a lesbian bar, combining real-life lesbian sexiness with the charge and thrill of live action for an audience. The movies are also more than 20 years old, and I can tell ya that if anything, we've got even more deliciously titillating performances going on in our bars and clubs now.
The whole "Girls Gone Wild" franchise has always seemed pretty dang stupid to me- it's mostly softcore (which basically means it has to be really good to make up for lack of explicitness!), it's got not-so-great principles ("We'll give you a shirt if you show us your boobs!"), and I'm just not that fond of drunken fakey chicks camera-whoring it up. And the "lesbian action"? Please.
But despite all of this, I think the general concept is solid. It takes a few of our favorite things: cute, sexy girls, reality, or at least reality-style, TV, a harkening back to our youthful days and getting to vicariously get in the pants of those girls you didn't get to sleep with back in high school and college. It's . . . fun.
I've got this great concept in my head, you see. A queer crew sets with their van and their equipment for a cross-country road trip to some of the best dyke clubs, bars, beach parties, raves, play parties, public sex spaces, and sex clubs- both the famous and the relatively unknown. We're looking for sexiness here- flashing, kissing, bump-n-grind dancing, erotic performances, maybe even the odd sex scene thrown in here and there for the gals who are feeling particularly liberated and exhibitionist. Heck, I still have Gorgeous and Gideon's lovely semi-public sex scene at Jakes On 4th in Olympia, Wa. (from No Fauxxx.com). Now imagine that in a full-fledged feature brimming with sexy bits from pride parades, Folsom Fair, IDKE . . . the list continues. Packed full of more butch, femme, boi, futch, trans, and queer eyecandy than you can get anywhere else, with a natural sort of fun, carefree joy and celebration and a strong sense of [admittedly sexy] community that you just don't necessarily get from an isolated porn.
Am I the only one feeling this? It's like porn . . . and anthropology, combined! Documenting the queer movement while bringing sexy waaaay back. Straight guys have GGW, why shouldn't dykes have their own lesbian-produced version? I'd watch it.
The whole "Girls Gone Wild" franchise has always seemed pretty dang stupid to me- it's mostly softcore (which basically means it has to be really good to make up for lack of explicitness!), it's got not-so-great principles ("We'll give you a shirt if you show us your boobs!"), and I'm just not that fond of drunken fakey chicks camera-whoring it up. And the "lesbian action"? Please.
But despite all of this, I think the general concept is solid. It takes a few of our favorite things: cute, sexy girls, reality, or at least reality-style, TV, a harkening back to our youthful days and getting to vicariously get in the pants of those girls you didn't get to sleep with back in high school and college. It's . . . fun.
I've got this great concept in my head, you see. A queer crew sets with their van and their equipment for a cross-country road trip to some of the best dyke clubs, bars, beach parties, raves, play parties, public sex spaces, and sex clubs- both the famous and the relatively unknown. We're looking for sexiness here- flashing, kissing, bump-n-grind dancing, erotic performances, maybe even the odd sex scene thrown in here and there for the gals who are feeling particularly liberated and exhibitionist. Heck, I still have Gorgeous and Gideon's lovely semi-public sex scene at Jakes On 4th in Olympia, Wa. (from No Fauxxx.com). Now imagine that in a full-fledged feature brimming with sexy bits from pride parades, Folsom Fair, IDKE . . . the list continues. Packed full of more butch, femme, boi, futch, trans, and queer eyecandy than you can get anywhere else, with a natural sort of fun, carefree joy and celebration and a strong sense of [admittedly sexy] community that you just don't necessarily get from an isolated porn.
Am I the only one feeling this? It's like porn . . . and anthropology, combined! Documenting the queer movement while bringing sexy waaaay back. Straight guys have GGW, why shouldn't dykes have their own lesbian-produced version? I'd watch it.
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