Posts
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Luxe: Expensive Porn Makes Me Swoon
I am by no means a girl of extravagant tastes. More often than not, I am a cheapskate- $3 bottles of wine (hey, it's sweet and does the trick!), $10 haircuts, that sort of thing. I usually scoff at people who are preoccupied with how much they paid for the things they own and who tote and wear products solely for the well-understood price tag that goes with the brand name.
And yet, against all logic, I love porn that looks expensive.
Teaser 5 Sensual Stories by Erika Lust
Uploaded by lustfilms
And yet, against all logic, I love porn that looks expensive.
Teaser 5 Sensual Stories by Erika Lust
Uploaded by lustfilms
Luxurious. Naked bodies swaddled in mink, warm mahogany-panelled, fireplace-lit dungeons that are a far cry from the cold and barren cement rooms that usually house BDSM porn, sparkling cinematography that rivals Amelie. It's not that the porn needs to be expensive- it might as well have been shot on a shoestring budget. But that look and feel- the hardcore scene so cinematically sensual that it could follow seamlessly after the nude sketch scene from Titanic. It's a combination of content and cinematography- when there's a certain type of timeless beauty, gorgeous settings, perfect lighting, lovely costumery (if any), tasteful music, and really, really high-quality cameras and equipment. I love and enjoy my handheld-camera, shot-in-a-hotel-room look porn, too- if the content makes up for it. But I still long for that luxurious, expensive feel in my porn.
Click below for the preview of
Petra Joy's "Female Fantasies"
It's interesting, too- it seems like the folks who express this sort of aesthetic often share my same sentiments- their porn is trying to reach people on another level- it's about artistry, sex positivity, women's empowerment. Folks like Erika Lust and Lust Films, Shine Louise Houston and Pink & White Productions (who, by the way, just got some new equipment and says she finally feels "like I've produced something beautiful." . . . though c'mon, Shine, your other films weren't gorgeous?), Petra Joy and Strawberry Seductress. Their porn is drastically different than other porn out there, and while a good deal of what I'm drawn to is the fabulous cinematographic quality, it's not just the HD crystal-clear picture. It's eroticism blended with true sensuality, captured by an artist; it's a visual feast for your eyes. And it looks fucking beautiful.
Click below to see the short erotic film "French
Maid" from Coco de Mer.
For far too long, photographers have been given free license to make stunning erotica (I'm sorry, I mean, studies of artistic nudes), but people have drawn the line at video- as if you can take a picture of a naked woman with either a kodak in your basement or with a 35 millimeter camera in your studio, but when it comes down to filming her get her freak on, all possibilities of making art go out the window, replaced by the need for a money shot.
It's about time that porn started to get back some of its glamour, without having to sacrifice it all to become cheesy "softcore" that most people mock for its so-called pretentiousness ("everyone knows its just whack-off material"). Instead of trying to draw the line between art and porn- how about combining the two for the most beautiful and inspiring possibilities?
I just adore watching the artsy, avant-garde, take-me-back-in-time, Hollywood glamour and elegance and sensuality that seem to come from commercials for ultra-hip and quite expensive brands . . . particularly when they toss in a homoerotic subtext and delicious gender-bending with it. Could you imagine if the following commercials kept on going, into the realm of porn- that boy in girl drag and girl in boy drag having a pervy tryst, the lesbians adding more scratches to that back, and the sailor "boi" playing gay men with her lover. Umm. I think I'll take some time to myself.
Paul Gaultier's Le Rendez-Vous
Campari Red Passion
Campari Red's The Secret
So, honestly. I'm looking forward to more porn that looks like, well, a million bucks. Perhaps my standards are too high- particularly in a porn world that generally ignores the content I find sexy and even then, considers style secondary, if important at all. But I believe that there are gems hidden here and there- the kind of porn that lights my artistic inner romantic as well as my loins.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Updates
I'm just lolling around here on a lazy Sunday, no real desire to do anything productive and much more of a desire to waste time on the Internet.
So here are a few updates from my life, the Internet, and even just random junk.
I'm still here in Japan, taking part in a TESOL (that's Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, for all you normal folks) program at my favorite university, Tokiwa Daigaku. Going wonderfully, as usual- busy, having fun, occasionally hung-over. I swear, while I do like my regular glass of wine, I never drink as much at home as I do in Japan. It must be something about those nomihoudai's (a flat fee for 2 hours of all-the-alcohol-you-can-drink . . . can you imagine how Americans would abuse that system!?!) and every friend I made and teacher I knew last year inviting me out to go do something. My wallet is stretched to its limit, but I've been able to go a little farther thanks to the generosity of some very kind people. Thanks, guys.
On a different and more genderqueer-y note, I found out how to write my (real) name in kanji. Sorry, folks, but Gwen is only a pseudonym. And while I'd like to maintain web anonymity, the ancient Chinese character coincidences are just too cool to not mention. My real name, like that of most foreigners, has all of those pesky sounds which they can now deal with but just weren't equipped for back in the day when kanji were drifting from the Chinese mainland to the land of the rising sun. So while I can write the hard "D" sound at the end of Candy with katakana (キャンディ), no kanji exists to express that sound. If I want to use kanji, I need my whole name, Candice, and I change the pronunciation to "day", closer to its real sound instead of the spelling. Anyways, this is just background for those who don't know how to switch borrowed English into Japanese. But with the help of some Japanese friends and electronic dictionaries, whe found some kanji that works to represent my name. Interestingly enough, there's only one kanji for the sound of the first syllable of my name (kyan), and I was amazed to find that the meaning is something roughly akin to tomboy.
So here are a few updates from my life, the Internet, and even just random junk.
I'm still here in Japan, taking part in a TESOL (that's Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, for all you normal folks) program at my favorite university, Tokiwa Daigaku. Going wonderfully, as usual- busy, having fun, occasionally hung-over. I swear, while I do like my regular glass of wine, I never drink as much at home as I do in Japan. It must be something about those nomihoudai's (a flat fee for 2 hours of all-the-alcohol-you-can-drink . . . can you imagine how Americans would abuse that system!?!) and every friend I made and teacher I knew last year inviting me out to go do something. My wallet is stretched to its limit, but I've been able to go a little farther thanks to the generosity of some very kind people. Thanks, guys.
On a different and more genderqueer-y note, I found out how to write my (real) name in kanji. Sorry, folks, but Gwen is only a pseudonym. And while I'd like to maintain web anonymity, the ancient Chinese character coincidences are just too cool to not mention. My real name, like that of most foreigners, has all of those pesky sounds which they can now deal with but just weren't equipped for back in the day when kanji were drifting from the Chinese mainland to the land of the rising sun. So while I can write the hard "D" sound at the end of Candy with katakana (キャンディ), no kanji exists to express that sound. If I want to use kanji, I need my whole name, Candice, and I change the pronunciation to "day", closer to its real sound instead of the spelling. Anyways, this is just background for those who don't know how to switch borrowed English into Japanese. But with the help of some Japanese friends and electronic dictionaries, whe found some kanji that works to represent my name. Interestingly enough, there's only one kanji for the sound of the first syllable of my name (kyan), and I was amazed to find that the meaning is something roughly akin to tomboy.
How cool is that? Add in the "de" and "su" sounds that complete the Japanese version of "Candice", and the result is very interesting. There are tons of kanji for each of these sounds, respectively, but my buddies chose 出 and 州, the former which means "exit, leaving" and the latter "state". Okay, so "state" in this case refers more to a concrete demarcated land area, like the 50 American states or Japanese prefectures, but I like to be more whimsical, and call it a state as in a state of mind. If you combine all three of these, then, you get a few interesting readings. It might be leaving the state of tomboyishness- a representation of my leaving androgyny and tomboy genderqueerness to seek out my inner queer femme (as I have lately been longing to do, in a safe space)? Or is it more like I'm leaving my normal state to seek out more tomboyishness, to the point of drag and purposeful genderbending? Either way, I'm thrilled at the fact that my name isn't something trite and silly- no "beautiful child" like is so common here. It's rare and strange, just like me, 侠出州.
In other news that isn't all about me . . .
1) Butch-Boi.com is up! Members Pages are now available, which means you can participate in the forum with other hot bois and lovers of bois, and interact in a multitude of ways. Good job, Butch-Boi.com, and we look forward to more!
2) Do you belief in that old superstition about someone dying for every new child that is born? Well, it isn't that serious, but just as Butch-Boi.com has been birthed, CrashPadSeries.com is a little bit ill. She isn't dying- no way, Jose- because you can't kill something so successful and loved with such a talented and determined team behind it. But for the moment, the site is down due to its web hosting service. No more forum. No more hot sex. Just a holding page that is as depressing and yet hopeful as the old-fashioned rainbow "Technical Difficulties" that used to appear on TV's- you kept watching hoping it would disappear and the good stuff would come back. Hopefully things get remedied soon. Good luck, Crash Pad, and looking forward to your return.
That's all for now, I guess, since my brain has gone on strike until my stomach gets the late lunch it is demanding. Bye, all!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Open Up (Your Mind) With Fisting, The Illegal Pleasure!
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To Be Underage, Broke, and Horny
Turning 18 was a pretty great moment in my life.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!
3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!
Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
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