Posts
Friday, June 20, 2008
Open Up (Your Mind) With Fisting, The Illegal Pleasure!
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Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To Be Underage, Broke, and Horny
Turning 18 was a pretty great moment in my life.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!
3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!
Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Screw the fact that I could now smoke, get arrested and be tried as an adult, and vote. (Okay, well, getting to vote was pretty cool). Nah, the coolest part was the fact that now I could legally purchase all the porn and sex toys I wanted. It's the moment that everyone eagerly waits for, I think . . . you browse the knickknacks and figurines and collectibles in your local novelty shop at 16, 17 years old, just peering through that little gap in the curtains separating out all the fun adult novelties from what's accessible for you- Bettie Boop and I Love Lucy under glass. Before Blockbuster came and bought out my town's little independent video retailer, I remember those thin red curtains hanging in front of the hardcore pornography section, just sheer enough to be titillating, just thick enough to be frustrating. It's a thrill knowing that you have control of what sexual objects you can own. Which is why I feel so sorry for all the poor, sad, underage teenagers who can't. Time and time again I see questions- people asking "What can I use as a dildo?", and the answers are invariably from those who don't perceive the problem- "Just buy one online.", they say, without realizing that the underage teenager generally has no credit card (or one whose spending isn't monitored), and quite often no reliable place for the goods to be shipped without possibly being intercepted by parents. Similarly, while it would seem like it's easy to get porn, a good deal of kids struggle to overcome parental controls on the Internet, or a way to access a family computer in privacy. It's a tough world, and believe me, I know.
Sexuality is of course not defined down a line between 17 and 18, where one day past your birthday suddenly makes you aware of your body parts and lovely desires you have to do things with it. And because laws don't seem to acknowledge this fact, I'm here to help. Seriously, if I could, I'd be that old bum in the liquor store buying beer for kids . . . well, except that I wouldn't be an old bum, it'd actually be an adult store, and I'd be buying sex toys. But since I can't do that, here are some tips for being able to get your rocks off when the rest of the world seems intent on keeping you from doing exactly that.
Porn & Erotica
1) Go to the library. I know, I know what you're about to tell me: my library does not have sexy books; I've looked, and unless you find encyclopedias a turn-on, it simply doesn't. Well, you're probably right, if you're looking for copies of Playboy magazine. You probably won't find them. But many libraries do carry a surprising amoung of erotic books, particularly the classics. So it doesn't have naked people fornicating on the cover . . . but beggars can't be choosers, right? Plus it might just broaden your horizons to take in something with a little more literary recognition than "Penthouse Letters". Your library will probably carry innocent-looking books that are far from innocent- I picked up "The Story of O" and couldn't believe my luck with what its smutty pages had to offer. The anthology section, amidst its horror and detective collections, will often have one or two erotica anthologies (even a gay one if you're lucky). The erotic literary threesome- D.H. Lawrence, Anais Nin, and Henry Miller- are all likely to be on the shelves, and more that I can't even think of. So go and take a good hard look- it's FREE!
Sex Toys
1) Butt plugs! Before electric juicers came along to help lazy cooks, there was this certain kitchen tool called a citrus reamer. And every time I see one, I'm just not thinking about lemon juice . . . because they really resemble butt plugs, what with their lovely diamond shape. So why not turn your citrus reamer into, well, an ass reamer? Of course, they aren't exactly the same- most butt plugs have a flat base that allows them to stand up on their own, the same base which acts as a flange to keep your booty from sucking the toy up into your lower intestine. And these reamers obviously don't
have this
nice option, so not only do you have to play very carefully, but you also won't be able to sit and walk around with it in (well, I suppose you could walk around, if you don't mind the handle sticking out quite conspicuously from between your cheeks!). But like I said, this isn't the list for great sex toys- it's the list for things that come close, will do in a pinch, and can be legally bought by 17-and-unders. Certainly a flanged base would be preferable, but most of the varied objects that underage folks interested in anal play are sticking up their bums don't have anything resembling a base, either. I might also add that the heavy, stainless steel reamers would make fantastic Kegel exercisers- insert, clutch them with your inner muscles to try to hold it there (or see if you can hold it standing). So if you've been admiring those butt-plugs online, you might want to belly up to your kitchewares section, make like you're fixing a jug of lemonade, and ream away. (Also, I might note that a good-quality stainless steel butt plug retails for anywhere between $60-$120. A nice stainless steel citrus reamer? Roughly $10-$15. You tell me what's better!)
2) Vibrators. Considering that lots of women have their first orgasms with vibrators, it's no surpise that what most teenage girls want most is a vibrator of their very own. So where do you go if you want something that vibrates, but innocently? Well, actually, nowadays so many things vibrate: your cell phone ("Call me back!"), Nintendo game controllers (just keep ramming your Nascar racecar into the retaining wall!), electric razors (obviously, not the end with the razors, or at least remove those before trying it out), your washer or dryer (hop on and ride that thing!), and a common favorite- the electric toothbrush. Personally, I always found the bristly end of my electric toothbrush 
too pokey and the other end's vibrations too subtle, but many women swear by it. And nobody at the checkout stand will think you have intentions other than polishing those pearly whites. And also, don't forget that many stores sell "personal massagers" which, despite their suggestive name, are actually used by lots of folks to truly massage places other than their genitals- to relieve stiffness, arthritis, achy muscles, etc., etc.. To buy one of these, you don't need to be 18 . . . and they can massage you up to an orgasm very nicely. Just crick your neck, put on a grimace, and limp up to a salesperson to ask!3) Dildos. Ah, dildos, the desire of most gals and gays (and a couple of adventurous straight teen boys). People stick all sorts of things in their various orifices . . . and often end up in the emergency room or with nasty infections or a desire to just, well, not ever do that again. Believe me- I learned the hard way as well, when, after enjoying the smooth, rounded handle of my makeup blush brush, I accidentally got a bit of inner labia caught under the gold metal band. First off, ouch! Secondly, it was completely mortifying- there I was, heart pounding, as I tugged and debated calling my parents and having to show them what had happened and ask for help, or wondering whether I should grab a pair of scissors and try to cut myself loose (thank God I knew the stupidity of the latter, even then). Eventually I worked the skin loose and was able to breath a deep sigh of relief, but many aren't that lucky. So while there are tons of household items you can put in your body, you really ought to take care: find something that is smooth so it won't poke or scrape your tender insides (leave textured ridges, bumps, bloops, and whatnot for the real toys!), something that won't potentially break off inside you (why candles might not be a
good idea; you don't want bits of wax flaking off in your vagina), and something that is either clean and safe for your body or is covered in a condom/Saran wrap to keep you safe from infection. If you're using the dildoesque object anally, you preferably want it very long or with some sort of base or bigger end so that it won't get lost up your tushie. Mostly, you just want to take care. My best advice would be a time-honored tradition: phallic vegetables. They're cheap, they're all-natural (no nasty phthalates), you can throw them away when you're done, and nobody will know they're your sex toys. I also love the fact that you can grab a vegetable peeler and pare down the perfect-sized dildo for yourself- something you just can't do when it's already cast in silicone. I'd recommend firm to semi-firm stuff- cucumbers are classic, as are smaller zucchinis and carrots. Bananas are deliciously phallic as imagery, but I find them too mushy when peeled, and their edges occasionally pokey when unpeeled. But, you know, just experiment, and always house them and other foodstuffs (kielbasa sausage, hot dogs, whatever) in condoms or other protective gear. And whatever else you might happen to use- hairbrush handle, curling iron (careful!), etc., etc., just take care. And be imaginative! It isn't too hard- you start thinking about it, and pretty soon, dildo-capable objects just jump out in your vision!
4) Cock rings. Putting something tight around your sensitive bits that wasn't created specifically for that purpose seems more than a little scary, especially when you hear about stories like this and that. For right now, I'd suggest not going with metal . . . wait 'til you get some experience under your belt or can buy professional cock rings that are meant to go around your dick. But until then, you might try experimenting with rubber bands, which mimick the stretchy and flexible cock rings that newbies should be using. I only caution against the tiny, skinny, flimsy rubber bands- you don't want to have them slicing painfully into your cock, or, God forbid, any 
snapping! Instead, go for those nice, big, thick rubberbands- like the ones that come wrapped around broccoli. Wrap around cock and balls to keep blood there, letting you last longer as well as giving you that great sensation!
5) Hands-free penetration. If I had 1) more trust in my readers' mechanical capabilities, and 2) any mechanical ability myself, I'd try to explain how to make a homemade fucking machine with a few pieces of modified equipment and a lot of ingenuity. Given that I have neither and I don't want any serious injuries, I like my options for hands-free penetration. You can always turn whatever you're using as a dildo into a suction-base dildo using one of these nifty suction-cup wall hangers (found at any home goods or hardware store)- they're particularly good with disposable dildos like veggie ones, where you can make holes in them without potentially ruining a good homemade toy- just plunk a cucumber onto the hook and suction the base onto a chair, table, bathtub, wall, whatever! Another option would be a favorite of mine- the wine bottle. Well, okay, I'm 21- and before that, my parents drank a lot of wine. But you aren't at a loss- go for the similar-shaped bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider! 
(Yum!) Lots of folks like using slender (or not so slender) glass bottles like dildos, but what I love about the wine bottle is its height- which makes it the perfect length to use your crooked-up leg to push it in. You can hump your body into it or work those calf muscles to pump the slender end (or, for you size queens, the larger end) into whatever orifice you choose (seems to work best with vaginal, though), leaving your hands free for clitoral stimulation, holding some porn/erotica, text-messaging (you multi-tasker, you!), whatever. Just be sure to wash it out first.
6) Safe sex and lube. Luckily, everybody can buy safe sex stuff. Run down to your local drugstore, or heck, forgo paying for it and go to your Planned Parenthood or free clinic. But if you still worry that you'll get pointed out for it- if you're in a small town and you know Betty who rings up your condoms and KY Jelly is going to tell your Aunt Mavis who will tell your mother- there are still some options for you. You can definitely buy yourself some nice latex gloves without anyone being the wiser- to wear as is, or to be cut open to provide a nice flat surface that can be used like a dental dam. Of, if you're really hard-pressed, get out the Saran wrap! Just stretch it over whatever body part it is that needs covering, and enjoy. Only remember not to use the special new kinds made for microwaving- they are full of tiny, microscopic holes that are meant to let out steam- and will let through all sorts of germs and, potentially, diseases. As for lube, well, folks have all sorts of preferences- from some generic lotion to olive oil (!), and various other lubricants. It all depends on what you're using the lube for and what you're sensitive/allergic to. But since the type of play that pretty much requires lube is anal play, my vote for good anal lubricant would be some old-fashioned Crisco. It's thick and lasts long, and best of all, you can grab a spoonful for your butt one day and a 1/2 a cup the next for a batch of cookies. Of course, you 
MUST NOT use Crisco (or any other oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, and hand-lotions) if you want to practice safe sex; they will "eat through" latex condoms, rendering them useless in protecting you. But for some solo play- enjoy your Crisco! And also, let's not forget how well plain ol' saliva (a.k.a. spit) works- it's copious and free!Getting Your Hands On Real Sex Toys
* Dealing with deliveries. Sex toy retailers do their best to make your purchases anonymous in their plain brown paper packaging, but all that doesn't help if your parents are anxiously peering over your shoulder asking "What'd you get there, honey? Is that a package? Oooh, what's inside?" (or perhaps the more hostile "What did you order?!?"). Of course, it's great if you can send it to an understanding friend's house or something like that, but we can't always do that. But there's a great recourse: P.O. boxes. Any Post Office can offer you a P.O. Box, whether you're 13 or 35- so long as you have the money and a valid ID, student or otherwise. According to the United States Postal Office, ". . . service may be provided to minors unless parents or guardians submit a written objection to the postmaster". Which means, essentially, that if your parents don't tell the postmaster they don't want you to have it, you're in the free and clear. They're relatively cheap (starting at $10), and you can have packages delivered to the address, to be picked up later by you. Nobody's the wiser, and you win!
* Paying for it. Lately teenagers may have credit cards, but many still don't- or if they do, they're monitored by their parents. And many don't have checks, either. So what's a fledgling youngster supposed to do when they've got the cash, but can't step foot inside the store to pay for the goods? This is where money orders come in handy. You can get them anywhere, really- Walmart, the Post Office, banks, whatever. They work essentially like checks, except that you provide the dough up front. There's no age requirement- if you have the money, you're good! It's simple, effective, and many online retailers accept money orders along with checks and credit cards.
So, that's it. Youth is a precious time, but it certainly comes with its drawbacks. But I maintain that part of the charm is that scrouging around for a way to channel/release your massive doses of horniness and hormones, using what you have, and bringing all that energy into creative sex toys. By golly, boys come up with the darndest things to add some fun to their masturbation- just go browse Jackinworld. Girls should have just as many resources, and overall, kids should know how to safely approach any masturbatory aids until society acknowledges that a 16 year-old deserves access to sex toys if he/she wants them, too.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Champion: The Movie [Production Blog]
Pink & White Productions is giving you updates on their new movie, "Champion".
Yes, that's right, Pink & White Productions is busy producing their fourth feature film, "Champion: The Movie", all about MMA fighter Jessie (a.k.a. smokin' porn hottie Shawn). Yes, I'm incredibly excited. You should be, too! Work up your appetite for the film by catching little snippets on their production blog, which has updates, pictures, and, coolest of all, CLIPS!!! *Giddy squee*.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Jessica Alba Would Like More Male Nudity, Please
<---- What does Jessica Alba think is missing?I've never been that crazy about the actress- she's pretty and acts alright, but she doesn't exactly knock my socks off (though I do remember being vaguely stirred by her character "Max" on the cyberpunk series "Dark Angel" so long ago). But I do find some of her recent statements quite pleasing:
The 'Fantastic Four' actress doesn't think it is fair that men's magazines are packed with pictures of virtually nude women, while the publications she reads don't have any naked guys in them. Jessica said inan interview with Britain's GQ magazine: "Men's magazines have nipples so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? There's Playgirl but not a fashion magazine like Elle. "If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me." Although the 26-year-old star won't strip off on screen, she likes to see other people bare all in the name of entertainment. She explained: "I've said I won't go naked in any of my movies, because I don't want to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see other people strip off!"
Completely agreed, Jessica, and kudos to you for noting the unfair discrepancy, as well as for having the guts to come out and say you like to see others strip, and that you'd buy a magazine for its penis content.
The rest of the media seems enamored with her- she's got what they call sway. Maybe folks will listen to her and I can open up "Elle" and find nude hunks. Fingers crossed!
The 'Fantastic Four' actress doesn't think it is fair that men's magazines are packed with pictures of virtually nude women, while the publications she reads don't have any naked guys in them. Jessica said inan interview with Britain's GQ magazine: "Men's magazines have nipples so why don't women have a magazine where men show their penises? There's Playgirl but not a fashion magazine like Elle. "If there was a magazine like that I'd buy it. Nudity's not a big deal to me." Although the 26-year-old star won't strip off on screen, she likes to see other people bare all in the name of entertainment. She explained: "I've said I won't go naked in any of my movies, because I don't want to. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see other people strip off!"
Completely agreed, Jessica, and kudos to you for noting the unfair discrepancy, as well as for having the guts to come out and say you like to see others strip, and that you'd buy a magazine for its penis content.
The rest of the media seems enamored with her- she's got what they call sway. Maybe folks will listen to her and I can open up "Elle" and find nude hunks. Fingers crossed!
What Not To Watch, Er, I Mean, Wear
There are few things I hate, and even fewer that I hate with a passion.
Having said, that, I utterly hate the TV show "What Not To Wear". (For those not in the know, the show is about when "friends" and family volunteer or, perhaps better said, subject, the supposedly poor-dressed victim to a fashion analysis, recommendations, a makeover, and a $5,000 budget for new clothes, on the condition that everything in the old closet has to go).
My mother loves it with a passion. Every Friday night, I struggle for all of 30 seconds to stay for her sake, for that coveted mother-daughter bond. But I just can't. I have to literally, physically, haul my body from the room.
Why do I hate it so?
Maybe it's because fashion isn't exactly objective. What constitutes "fashionable" is largely based in the hands of those with the power to tell you that you look ridiculous or great. Fashion definitely isn't static- you're bound to get laughed at if you wear today something considered fashionable twenty years ago (or, in some social circles, just a month ago). And what's more, fashion is personal. Clothing is not just something you put on to hide, or more likely today, to give tantalizing teases of, your nakedness. Everything that somebody puts on is a choice and those choices include quite a bit more than just "I like this." or "This looks good.". In light of fashion's deeply personal nature, its subjectivity, and its ephemeralness, how can the show rightly counsel others?
Or maybe it's not even that which bugs me so. Maybe it's the show's very attitude. Instead of presenting itself as a helpful "Hey, maybe that's not so flattering for you, what about this?" type of show, one solving the true, un-arguable fashion faux pas of the world (socks with sandals, big, beautiful girls who hide their pretty and voluptuous shapes with jeans that give them the horror only known as "muffin top", etc.), they prey on their female victims like hungry vultures. Once they've finished picking the bones clean, they've finally arrived at their goal: a woman identical to a store mannequin- not only in dress, but in cardboard personality, too. And all with the biting, acidic sarcasm that is sure to turn a happy, bubbly, confident-in-her-own-clothes girl into a scared and beaten-down shell of herself, feeling so pathetic that she'll clamp onto any advice they give her. Hey, whatever gets you ratings, right?
These women do not come on the show voluntarily. They are not the ones who have issues with their clothing. But like most "fix it" solutions, the answer is not to treat the people who have the actual issues (those "friends" and family members who suggest the show's weekly stars)- it's to make the non-conformists fit in, lest we all have to deal with our own discomfort. I wouldn't have a single problem with the show if the gals came there saying "Hey, I know that I don't really have a good eye for fashion, and I think you do, could you give me a makeover and give me some pointers?". I probably still wouldn't find it very entertaining nighttime lineup television, but at least I wouldn't have so many hangups about it.
Everytime I hear the intro to the show, I am delighted by the "befores"- girls who relish their clothing and style choices, whether it's that one low-cut top that makes her feel sexy and confident but others tell her is too slutty, or that ratty old sweater she's had for decades that feels and smells like home and comfort, or the kind of baggy stuff she wears because it's comfortable and it hides the parts of her body she'd rather not put on display, or that one really weird print dress covered with monkeys that she keeps because it's fun and kooky and she likes how freewheeling she feels in it. It's not to say that I agree that these things are fashionable . . . oftentimes, they're utterly ridiculous or they just look plain bad. But they make these girls feel happy.
Or perhaps another pet peeve is the emphasis on femininity. As far as the show's hosts are considered, it is the goal of every woman to be the epitome of Woman, with a capital W. Time and time again, on maybe every other show, is the claim that so-and-so has lost (or more like, never had) her femininity. Without getting into a giant argument of what constitutes "femininity" (does it have to be a skirt and a floral print top?), I'm tired of women being told that if they don't emphasize their T&A that they're somehow hiding their "feminine assets". Pity the tomboy who gets plucked to be on the show- she doesn't have a chance. Any resistance is futile, because everything is countered with a rash of psychobabble analysis.
If you express discomfort in wearing snug, fitted clothes that hug your curves, you hate your body (and are forced to go through a self-love, look-at-yourself-in-the-mirror therapy session). If you don't want to give up your more revealing and snug outfits, you're a trailer trash slut. If you'd rather cover up those "feminine assets" or wear tomboyish or outright masculine clothing, you "aren't in touch with your sexy self". Disagree with the chosen outfits they've selected for you to try on? You must still be brainwashed into your old, incorrect style. And by God, if you think you ought be wearing clothing that pleases you, instead of pleasing others, well, you really are just beyond anybody's help, at that point.
I swear, I'm not anti-fashion. Heck, back in the day, I used to own a whole, stuffed-tight box full of those "girlie" magazines- Seventeen, Cosmo, you name it, and I remember pouring over them obsessively. Even though I was hardly a feminine girl and had about as much fashion sense as a rock (my daily junior high uniform: one of many identical neon-bright V-neck tank tops, a pair of denim shorts, and flat sandals), I loved flipping through the lovely pictures and reading up on this and that and oh, how lovely wouldn't it be if you paired them together? I still have that little fashionista inside of me. She (or is my inner fashion lover a totally queeny and well-dressed he?) doesn't dictate what I wear or buy, but she comes out to appreciate others' ensembles and she watches "Project Runway" religiously.
I guess I just come from a line of folks who had different ideas. Both of my grandmothers were admirable lasses- the one who adamantly hated bras and was apt not to wear them, and the other, who sewed up her own hats- outrageously loud and colorful printed material bunched into wacky shapes that almost never looked even halfway decent- and then wore them in public. I remember them fondly. There are more stories to the pictures of them than of my own mother, who will get a deserved nod and a "She always was a nice dresser." before moving on to frankly more interesting topics.Am I crazy because I don't want to pay $20 for a shirt that has somebody else's name on it- because I effectively don't want to become a walking advertisement without getting paid for it? Am I crazy because I'd rather spend an hour in a bookstore instead of at "Forever 21"? Am I fashion-unconscious because I choose function over form or because the things that I find beautiful might get described by others as "too much"? Does it make me certifiably mental to believe that there just might be more than one style or fashion that people can identify by?
I even wrote this story just to get rid of some of my frustrations over these types of shows.
All I can say is that if anybody- and I do mean anybody- tried to get me on this show, there'd be only one response: I'd look right in the camera, extend that arm and then that middle finger, and reply with a big grin: "Fuck you." And yes, I've warned everyone I know, and I'm warning you all now, too.
So go ahead, cringe when I walk by. I don't mind it, honestly, because I like whatever it is I choose to wear. Go ahead and give me some of your fashion advice. I might give you some advice, too- like to mind your own business.
The Most Amazing Porn Intro I've Ever Seen
Honestly. I'll tell ya more in the link below.
I've been spending a little bit of time lately going through my old porn DVD's and getting reacquainted with them- re-familiarizing myself with the hotness I'd forgotten they had. I had popped in an old standby, "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians", which, despite its rather uncreative name, cheesy tagline ("Do not fuck with these dykes! They hate men! They want pussy!"), and its fishy, I-sense-exploitative-fake-lezzie-porn box cover, actually houses some very hot and real, if a little dated, butch lesbian dyke action.
But what really got me was seeing, again, the "Warning" section that came up before the actual video. Once I saw it, I instantly remembered how impressed I had been with it then, and I wanted to share it with you now. Here it is, reprinted in full, word-for-word:
Warning! Mojo Home Video manufactures videos for the sole purpose of adult fantasy entertainment and to better help sexually educate the public. The video you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of sexual relations designed solely for the purposes of adult fantasy entertainment and sex education. This video presents the ideas that sex and the expression of sexual conduct are very important parts of adult relationships. This video is meant to serve as a pictoral record of the different methods and expressions of sexual conduct. There are many different sexual problems and issues, especially when it comes to the idea of sexual expressions; this video has been manufactured to help provide a forum to open these ideas of expression and to open communication. Please be advised that the fictional sexual relationships found in this video do not always exhibit intimacy, sensitivity, communication, and other traits that are most important in real life adult relationsihps. The people in this video may or may not be engaging in safe sex. Regarless of that choice, we are very strong advocates of the practice of safe sex. We strongly encourage you to educate yourself regarding safe sex before engaging in sexual activity. You can find this information very easily online or at your local library. For more information about safe sex and intimacy, you can also email us. We are happy to help!
All this scrolled down at a slow and leisurely pace so you could read it, followed by the old, usual and required standard "All models filmed were 18 at the time blah blah blah". But I've simply never seen another porn video or company, no matter how conscientious, with a warning/introduction that was even half that.
Who is/was Mojo Video? I can't find much about them in my quick and dirty Google searches. They were also the producers/releasers of some other, shall we say, interesting titles, like "Bed Bug Bitches", "World's Biggest Whores", "Amber the Lesbian Queefer", and "Bitches and Hos". Were these videos also preceded by the same great intro as "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians"? Who was the mastermind who said "Let's write the truth about our porn for viewers, and do a little education while we're at it?"? Where have you gone, Mojo?
In today's day and age, I sometimes worry that with all the consumption of porn that either has misogynistic and/or degrading and violent undertones or outright messages (particularly if said porn is not BDSM-related), the impressionable youngsters of today's age are getting a message that this is what sex is really like. Heck, it can even be nice, tame, respectful porn, and I still worry, because it rarely shows any degree of reality in terms of real, average bodies, getting to sex, negotiating sex, safe sex usage, and especially real female pleasure and what women really orgasm from. And no matter how people may scoff, underage kids (and adults!) are curious and horny as hell, and lots of them turn to the only recourse they have- porn, free and copious on the Internet- to learn about anatomy, bodies, and sex. It's hardly even easy for some adults to remember that sex doesn't usually work the way it does in porn- pizza delivery boys do not get fucked in lieu of payment and you generally have to treat a woman a certain way (polite, with respect, taking your time) to get her to bed you. I can't remember where I read it, but I know there was a survey/research done that showed that porn consumers, when polled, believed that things like anal sex, facials, and BDSM were more prevalent in the real world than those who didn't consume porn. Obviously, no matter what we may tell ourselves, we can fall prey to the idea that what we're watching is real- particularly in Gonzo-style, breaking-the-fourth-wall, cameraman talking to the actors, type of stuff that makes it feel like it's in real time, uninterfered-with, and ultimately, like it's been documented, Nature Channel style.
I wonder . . . would it change if every porn video and website out there took just a moment to tell their viewers "Hey, this ain't real, it's just a fantasy we've produced for you, so enjoy, and remember that sex outside your TV screen or computer requires a totally different approach."? It certainly couldn't hurt, right?
That's my thought for today. I'd be thrilled if I popped in another DVD and found a similar statement. Sigh. One can hope, right?
I've been spending a little bit of time lately going through my old porn DVD's and getting reacquainted with them- re-familiarizing myself with the hotness I'd forgotten they had. I had popped in an old standby, "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians", which, despite its rather uncreative name, cheesy tagline ("Do not fuck with these dykes! They hate men! They want pussy!"), and its fishy, I-sense-exploitative-fake-lezzie-porn box cover, actually houses some very hot and real, if a little dated, butch lesbian dyke action.
But what really got me was seeing, again, the "Warning" section that came up before the actual video. Once I saw it, I instantly remembered how impressed I had been with it then, and I wanted to share it with you now. Here it is, reprinted in full, word-for-word:
Warning! Mojo Home Video manufactures videos for the sole purpose of adult fantasy entertainment and to better help sexually educate the public. The video you are about to watch presents fictional accounts of sexual relations designed solely for the purposes of adult fantasy entertainment and sex education. This video presents the ideas that sex and the expression of sexual conduct are very important parts of adult relationships. This video is meant to serve as a pictoral record of the different methods and expressions of sexual conduct. There are many different sexual problems and issues, especially when it comes to the idea of sexual expressions; this video has been manufactured to help provide a forum to open these ideas of expression and to open communication. Please be advised that the fictional sexual relationships found in this video do not always exhibit intimacy, sensitivity, communication, and other traits that are most important in real life adult relationsihps. The people in this video may or may not be engaging in safe sex. Regarless of that choice, we are very strong advocates of the practice of safe sex. We strongly encourage you to educate yourself regarding safe sex before engaging in sexual activity. You can find this information very easily online or at your local library. For more information about safe sex and intimacy, you can also email us. We are happy to help!
All this scrolled down at a slow and leisurely pace so you could read it, followed by the old, usual and required standard "All models filmed were 18 at the time blah blah blah". But I've simply never seen another porn video or company, no matter how conscientious, with a warning/introduction that was even half that.
Who is/was Mojo Video? I can't find much about them in my quick and dirty Google searches. They were also the producers/releasers of some other, shall we say, interesting titles, like "Bed Bug Bitches", "World's Biggest Whores", "Amber the Lesbian Queefer", and "Bitches and Hos". Were these videos also preceded by the same great intro as "Real Butch Dyke Lesbians"? Who was the mastermind who said "Let's write the truth about our porn for viewers, and do a little education while we're at it?"? Where have you gone, Mojo?
In today's day and age, I sometimes worry that with all the consumption of porn that either has misogynistic and/or degrading and violent undertones or outright messages (particularly if said porn is not BDSM-related), the impressionable youngsters of today's age are getting a message that this is what sex is really like. Heck, it can even be nice, tame, respectful porn, and I still worry, because it rarely shows any degree of reality in terms of real, average bodies, getting to sex, negotiating sex, safe sex usage, and especially real female pleasure and what women really orgasm from. And no matter how people may scoff, underage kids (and adults!) are curious and horny as hell, and lots of them turn to the only recourse they have- porn, free and copious on the Internet- to learn about anatomy, bodies, and sex. It's hardly even easy for some adults to remember that sex doesn't usually work the way it does in porn- pizza delivery boys do not get fucked in lieu of payment and you generally have to treat a woman a certain way (polite, with respect, taking your time) to get her to bed you. I can't remember where I read it, but I know there was a survey/research done that showed that porn consumers, when polled, believed that things like anal sex, facials, and BDSM were more prevalent in the real world than those who didn't consume porn. Obviously, no matter what we may tell ourselves, we can fall prey to the idea that what we're watching is real- particularly in Gonzo-style, breaking-the-fourth-wall, cameraman talking to the actors, type of stuff that makes it feel like it's in real time, uninterfered-with, and ultimately, like it's been documented, Nature Channel style.
I wonder . . . would it change if every porn video and website out there took just a moment to tell their viewers "Hey, this ain't real, it's just a fantasy we've produced for you, so enjoy, and remember that sex outside your TV screen or computer requires a totally different approach."? It certainly couldn't hurt, right?
That's my thought for today. I'd be thrilled if I popped in another DVD and found a similar statement. Sigh. One can hope, right?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I Heart [Erotic Dyke] Art: G.B. Jones and "Tom Girls"
If you thought dyke art was nothing more than some suggstive vaginal Georgia O'Keefe paintings, boy golly, are you wrong! And if you like leather dykes, hot lesbian S/M, and beautiful sketches a la the famous Tom Of Finland, you will really, really like what's linked below!
I just discovered G.B. Jones and her fantastic drawings (which is pretty sad, since she's been around for a while). I've had only a mild interest in Tom Of Finland's work since I first discovered the sexy black and white sketches that literally drip with tesosterone . . . musclemen and porno mustaches have never been big turn-ons for me, so it was always bound to leave me disappointed. But they are pretty pieces of art, with that aggressive erotic quality that draws you in and mesmerizes you. And the guy's incredibly prolific, with over 3,500 drawings. Sigh. Why do gay men always do it better?
Calling all dyke artists! Where are you? Hello? Ello, ello, ello. (Yes, that's right, that's the echo in the giant vacuum of erotic lesbian artistry, or at least the kind I can frame on my wall).
Anyways, this is not meant to be a rant blog. It's meant to be a celebratory blog! Celebratory, that is, in my discovery of the dee-licious drawing series "Tom Girls" by G.B. Jones, which follow in the style and footsteps of Tom Of Finland, but which interest me way more (interesting what difference a pair of breasts can make, eh?). If some of these girls were sporting strap-ons, I'd be in heaven.
I don't even want to write any more. The pictures speak for themselves (although I could definitely be persuaded to write some erotic fiction to accompany them).
Calling all dyke artists! Where are you? Hello? Ello, ello, ello. (Yes, that's right, that's the echo in the giant vacuum of erotic lesbian artistry, or at least the kind I can frame on my wall).
Anyways, this is not meant to be a rant blog. It's meant to be a celebratory blog! Celebratory, that is, in my discovery of the dee-licious drawing series "Tom Girls" by G.B. Jones, which follow in the style and footsteps of Tom Of Finland, but which interest me way more (interesting what difference a pair of breasts can make, eh?). If some of these girls were sporting strap-ons, I'd be in heaven.
I don't even want to write any more. The pictures speak for themselves (although I could definitely be persuaded to write some erotic fiction to accompany them).
Before I go, though, I would like to note that G.B. Jones is a totally talented chick and I've only singled her out here for a mere few drawings. She also has several really cool films and documentaries, books and zines, and music. Look her up!
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